Too Many Too Little

I’ve had at least 4 things planned as my blog post.

But I haven’t had enough time to sit and commit to writing them that all I can do was scribble the ideas and thoughts and points in my notebook.

Eros and Sophia are down with fever this week and soon after Damien got it too. Then I got it as well because I’ve been staying up late to sponge-bath them and clean up after they’ve thrown up and all. On top of that I think I got food poisoning or at least a very bad diarrhea from something I must’ve eaten.

I really miss being able to write every night before I go to bed but right now even as I write this, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open.

Damien is in his 6th week now and going through his second growth spurt so he’s cluster feeding at night. I’m thankful that it’s at night because at least I get to sleep while he nurses away. But it drains so much of my energy that I don’t have much left for the next day.

I know that once they’re older and when we’re back home and I’ve establish a routine or a schedule for all 3 of them, I will be able to blog and write as often as I did or at least more frequent than what I’m doing now.

Now I’m off to bed as I need to sleep before Damien wakes up for his marathon feed.

Tested

It’s day 22 and I think I’m about to have a mental breakdown.

Last week, I found out there is a small tear on my cesarean scar. Before that one corner of the incision hurt really bad that I doubled over each time I tried to get out of bed. It felt like someone was punching my sides whenever I moved in a wrong angle.

Then after a few days, I felt something wet at my scar and when I touched it, I yowled in pain for it felt as though my skin was tearing. When I looked at my fingers, there were some blood and pus. Of course I went straight to the doctor when I found out it was bleeding because I knew it was a sign of cesarean scar infection and I didn’t want it to get worse.

Then the fever started and I wasn’t able to get out of bed much. The doctor asked me to lie down as long as I can to avoid further tearing of the scar. She gave me antibiotics to stop the infection. Slowly the pain faded and there was lesser and lesser bleeding or pus coming out of the scar.

But because of that, my milk supply took a dive.

I have no idea why. It was safe for me to breastfeed Damien even though I was on antibiotics and I did breastfeed him during the time I had the fever. It was just somehow my body was making less milk. Due to that, Damien was constantly crying and fussing at my breasts because of the slow flow of my breastmilk.

Finally my mother said he needs to be supplemented with formula.

Everyone knew how hard I tried to not let Damien have any formula and I fought tooth and nail the first few weeks to get through all the engorged breasts and cracked nipples just so I could exclusively breastfeed Damien.

Mohen looked at me when my mother said that he knew I wanted to say no. But I also knew that there is no way I could make Damien full with the condition I was in.

So, finally I gave in.

And now, even after a week and I’ve recovered from the fever although not the muscle pain of the incision (infection’s gone away though, thank God), my supply is still low.

I’ve drank like a whole tank of water, I tried herbal remedies to increase milk supply, I drink fenugreek tea because it is believed to help boost milk supply, I try to relax and rest as much as I can but my milk is still so slow it comes out in trickles. Every time Damien nurses now, he tugs at my nipple and fusses because he can’t get the milk out fast enough to make him full.

I cry each time I had to supplement him with formula. It was like every gulp he drinks from the formula is killing me and I feel terribly guilty. Even with pumping, I can only squeeze out a few ounces.

The only comfort I have now is that Damien has the chance to breastfeed when he wakes up for his midnight feed. Since he sleeps for a few long hours at night, my milk has a chance to store up a little and it’s flowing quite fast for him to nurse and fall asleep on breastmilk alone. I know that some breastmilk is better than none (related article: Partial Breastfeeding) but it kills me to know that I can’t breastfeed him exclusively anymore.

I remembered how my milk supply was high during Eros and Sophia’s time but I wasn’t completely resolved to fully breastfeed them. I had no health issues that caused my milk supply to dwindle but I didn’t fully take advantage of the situation. And now, when I’m determined, things turned out differently.

I will try to stay positive so that my milk won’t go away completely. I know that I will give Damien as much chance to breastfeed as possible and will not resort to formula all the time to supplement him.

It’s frustrating that I’ve tried, I’ve bled, I’ve cried so much that first few weeks only to let up now.

But I will try to keep at it for as long as I am able.

Pushed

As I’m writing this, Damien is breastfeeding. He has been cluster feeding today that I thought I would lose my mind.

Although there’s that bond everyone is talking about when it comes to breastfeeding, I feel cluster feeding really does push a mother’s sanity to the edge. I have not left the bed, much less left the room for the whole day except to go the bathroom to wash my face because I feel like if I breastfeed for a minute longer, I will probably gouge my eyes out.

Damien sleeps for long hours.

I know how newborns are not really supposed to be doing that but his max is about 4 hours so that’s sort of acceptable according to our doctor. Even so, I try to catch him during his REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and wake him up for a feed after 3 hours. Neither of my two kids slept as long as Damien does when they were newborns so I’m always anxious about letting Damien sleep.

It’s weird that I have to wake up a sleeping baby when everybody knows babies love to sleep. My mom doesn’t believe in waking up newborns to feed because she said they will wake up if they are hungry. But I know that if I don’t wake Damien up my breasts will swell because the milk is not drained and he is supposed to be doing that. I guess it really is about being cruel to be kind sort of situation when it comes to waking up a sleeping newborn for a feed.

The things is, I’m afraid Damien might have jaundice because the whites of his eyes are tinged with yellow albeit barely noticeable. And I know jaundiced babies are sometimes too lethargic to wake themselves up for a feed thus missing the vital nutrients they need to combat the jaundice at this early stage of life.

I’m bringing Damien for a check up tomorrow. I just really hope he is okay.

Nipple Shield – Product Review

I haven’t done product review in a while so I would like to review something that I’m currently using.

Damien has been breastfeeding for a full week now and I’m so happy that we haven’t introduced to him a single drop of formula. Although I never feel that breastfed babies are superior to formula-fed babies, I’m just happy because I’ve always wanted to exclusively breastfeed since Sophia.

I attempted breastfeeding with all 3 children of mine and I used nipple shield at the earlier stages of breastfeeding.

I used nipple shield the first time with Eros because my nipples were rather short then and he couldn’t latch on properly. With Sophia was because she was nursing so often my nipples were sore and cracked and with Damien it is simply because I used it with Sophia and it made breastfeeding so much easier.

There is, of course,  a wide range of nipple shields sold but I’ve used only 3 brands so far and so my review will be based on these 3 only.

1. Pigeon Rubber Nipple Shield 

I used this when I was breastfeeding Sophia. What I like about this nipple shield is that the tip of the shield where the nipple should be isn’t hardened like some nipple shield. The texture is consistent all over so it’s very pliable and fits into the baby’s mouth perfectly. Because it’s made of rubber, it needs to be washed with soapy water immediately after use or otherwise milk deposits will gather and accumulate on the inside of the nipple shield. I ruined one because there were several occasions I forgot to wash it right after use during midnight feeding. Although it’s a little big and the color is not at all conspicuous (as it is the color of latex rubber), I used it for quite some time as Sophia adapted to it immediately.

 

2. Anakku Silicone Nipple Shield

 

I am currently using this when breastfeeding Damien. Unlike the Pigeon rubber nipple shield above, this one has its tips hardened so your baby may have a little difficulty at first in adapting it into his/her mouth. I like how the rest of the shield is and how it fits perfectly to your areola, giving it a firm grip and do not come off during breastfeeding. However because of the hardened tip, it may take some time before your teat can fully fill the nipple area. It can cause a little discomfort for the first few seconds but once steady suckling is established, you can hardly feel that you’re wearing a shield.

 

3. Avent Nipple Shield

I used this when I was trying to breastfeed Eros. Avent carries two types of nipple shield – a soft one and a hard one. We bought the soft one as it was our first time trying out a shield. For me, it is still hard for an infant’s mouth. Although the silicone is of a good grade, this is a shield that I liked least. I find that it slips off easily and my son had a hard time adjusting the hardened tip into his small mouth.

Using nipple shield is entirely up to the mother.

Some lactation consultants swear off nipple shield like the plague because it doesn’t help the baby to natural suckle and learn to breastfeed on his own. However, for breastfeeding mothers with sore, cracked or inverted nipples, nipple shields are a heaven sent.

For me, I find it useful in the early stages of breastfeeding, those first few days home from the hospital when your milk just coming in and your breasts are engorged to the size of melons. But once my child has gotten the hang of breastfeeding, I discontinue using them.

What do you think of nipple shield and have you ever used them? Share your experience and which one do you like best!

 

Tit For Tat

I was thinking of writing about breastfeeding rights (again) last few weeks because I came across (yet another) article about how mothers are still having issues about being able to breastfeed in public.

Then I thought there’re already so much written on it that maybe if I do, it’s just going to be another disgruntled mother’s rant about breastfeeding and no one would really care.

Then I realized that it’s not.

I realized that it’s not going to be just another mother’s disgruntled rant about breastfeeding in public because mothers are still taking the brunt of hostility towards breastfeeding. It is still hard for many people to detach sexual association when it comes to women’s breasts.

That is why it is easier and more comfortable for most, not only for men but some women alike, to think of breasts as sexual objects rather than their other functional purpose.

I saw this photo on Facebook.

A friend shared it and everyone thought it was funny and naturally sexually insinuated comments followed.

At one glance it looks like a finger was holding the labia of a woman’s shaven vagina open.

Upon closer look it obviously is not.

It’s just a sideways photo of a man hooking his finger at one corner of his mouth.

The fact that this photo was not offensive to so many disgusts me. What’s worse is that when I tried to report this photo as inappropriate, the page was unavailable. Apparently it has got something to do with time-out issue or link broken or something like that.

I have made several reports of inappropriate contents material on Facebook before and there was no problem. But this one, even after several hours, the page was still unavailable. It could be of real issue but I find it annoying.

Then today, two of my friends on Facebook were voicing out their dissatisfaction about how they still feel chided for breastfeeding in public. Some of the comments they received said that most men are okay with breastfeeding in public.

As long as nursing cover is used. Or otherwise women should go to a nursing room.

And I thought, What does that got to do with anything?

Some babies do not like to be covered at all. Like Sophia. She hates having her head covered while I breastfeed her. She likes to look around and tug at things near her when she nurses. And for some women it’s just too bushing to go to a nursing room when your baby wants to be fed right away.

It’s just amazing (and pathetic) to know that people are so used to breasts if they’re behind low-cut blouses with plunging necklines or bursting out of the push-up bra but not when there’s a baby suckling from them.

Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeds in public while chatting nonchalantly with friends.

I admit that some women do have more modesty than others where they do feel shy about breastfeeding so openly in public.

For these women, maybe the issue of breastfeeding in public isn’t so pronounced because they can understand why they don’t need to do it in public but I’m sure as mothers, they too would feel the pang of criticism towards other women who choose to breastfeed in public.

It caused an uproar when Facebook deactivated accounts of mothers who posted photos of them breastfeeding their child on the grounds that these photos contained inappropriate content. When the same mothers got their account back and posted photos of them in bras and/or skimpy tops just to prove their point, you guessed it! Facebook didn’t do anything about it.

You can see why these mothers are enraged, can’t you?

Shouldn’t photos of girls in bras or in one of those slit-down-the-middle tops to show off cleavage or even the ones who used their arms to cover their nipples be the ones that are taken down? Shouldn’t the accounts of these girls get deactivated instead of the account of breastfeeding mothers?

When I commented on the “labia” photo above on my friend’s wall, one of the replies I got was that our society is sick so I should just deal with it. I can’t believe that I should just “deal with it” when it comes to women being disgraced and made into obscene jokes.

Breast Milk Baby doll by Berjuan Toys

I  just read that the Breast Milk Baby doll is causing quite a stir. The concept of a doll making suckling sound when placed at the chest is thought to be creepy.

Kids need to be exposed to breastfeeding so they learn that there is nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to hide about and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the act of breastfeeding, either at home or publicly.

The more kids learn how natural breastfeeding is the less sexual connotation is associated with breasts and hence making them accept and indifferent towards breastfeeding women in public.

Multi-tasking Breasts Campaign Posters – The Independent

As much as people are aware about breasts being functional in breastfeeding, to accept their multi-tasking concept is perhaps a little too much when it’s being done in public.

It shouldn’t be.

If people can see girls go out in skimpy clothes, then they can very well accept a decently clothed mother breastfeeding her child on a bench in a shopping mall.

Good Moms

My Why

I’ve been trying to complete my book for almost a year now.

I’ve read enough about real-life stories of aspiring and published authors alike and I know that writing doesn’t happen in one night. And most of the time it’s a work in progress.

There are enough quotes and anecdotes about writing for everyone to know that writing may not necessarily comes that easily. Heck, even wordpress offers you quotes on writing each time you have successfully posted a new post.

The thing is, the more that I write, the more that I realized that I can’t bring myself to really write my book because it’s turning out to be about all the grudges that I’ve hold against Mohen all this while.

I don’t think it’s really because I have something to share. It’s just because I need to get things off my chest. Which is something that I’ve been doing here anyway. So if I can let off some steam through my blog, why should I write a book.

The thing is, writing a book is different. And I know it.

It’s a book.

For a bibliophile like me, the word “book” itself already feels…magical and the phrase “I’m writing a book” just send chills down my spine.

Sometimes I think just because I’m experiencing something and I feel it bottling up in me that doesn’t mean I need to exactly write about it. Maybe other people are feeling the same way about their life, their partners, their ups and downs but they are not writing books about it.

They deal with it.

Well, maybe this is the way I deal with it.

Like Mohen said, I am at my best when I write. I can say certain things the exact way someone is feeling. I have enough guts to say what others only dream of sharing with someone. I am able to make people see with what I write.

I know I am not writing for fame. I know I am not writing just so I can be a best-selling author.

I write because that’s all I know. There is nothing more to me than writing and if I don’t write, I don’t feel complete. I feel like I’ve been locked up in a basement for a long time.

Maybe it’ll be a good thing for me to write this book.

I have personally known 3 other women who are going through the same thing I am going through and experience almost all the things I write about. Maybe they know 3 other women who are in the same situation as we are. And that 3 know another 3.

So maybe there is a chance for my book to reach them and make them feel that for once, there is something out there that make sense to them because someone is writing about it.

I know I owe this book to myself because not only I have been wanting to have a book published since I was 10 but also because while I know that I can’t be the only one who feels this way, what if I am the only one (or, to be less pompous, at least one of the few) that dare enough to write about it.

I know I have to write this book.

If not for anything else, it’s for me.

Related articles

• Why I Write (cristianmihai.net)

Handmade Baby Block

So I’m really into this sewing craze at the moment!

I was looking for things to do because there wasn’t much housework to be done today. I didn’t feel like making another of those monogram letters although I did feel like sewing something.

There were a few bells that I saved from Sophia’s old baby rattle and as I was looking around inside my sewing kit box, I thought I could use them for something tonight.

So after a few minutes of making sure that I have enough material, I made my very own (and first!) handmade baby block!

Took me about 2hours to complete it because I handstitched it. If you were using a sewing machine, then this wouldn’t take you more than 30 – 40 minutes tops, depending on your sewing skills, of course.

This shouldn’t be really hard, I think, even if you’re a beginner. In fact, I think if you’re a beginner, this would probably be one of the simplest thing to try.

1. Cut 6 pieces of fabric into squares. You can have them as big or as little as you like.

2. Sew the pieces together with their right sides facing each other.

3. Continue to sew to attach the fabric together to create one long piece. Sew the ends together so you’ll have something like this.

4. Now sew the top of the block, starting at one corner and making your way around the 4 sides of the fabric.

5. Once you got all the sides done, turn the block right side out and put your stuffing inside. As you can see, I already got the polyester stuffing I was talking about last week! Yay, me!

You can also put in bells or any noisy toys here along with the stuffing. I put in the bell I saved from Sophia’s rattle.

6. Close up the final side of the block with the ladder stitch or the invisible seam.

Here’s Sophia with her new baby block. She loves to shake it and dance to the jingle of the bell!

Make Your Very Own Teething Biscuits

Preparation: 2minutes
Cooking time: 1minute

 

I went to the store today to get formula for Eros and Sophia.

I saw Farley Rusks’ teething biscuits that Mohen always get for Eros and thought of getting it for Sophia since she loves to chew almost everything now from pillow to rubber toys to my mobile phone to her blankie.

Then I remembered seeing a post on my Pinterest about making your own teething biscuits for your teething babies and figured I give it a go instead of buying it off the shelf.

It takes less than 5 minutes and Sophia loves it! I love how it was something I made for her and not a manufactured baby food.

Ever since I’ve become an SAHM, I do pay more attention to the food I give to Sophia. When I was working, I didn’t really have time to prepare homemade food for Eros so we ended up buying a lot of manufactured baby food for him.

All you need is a slice of bread and your baby’s favorite spread.

Here’s how you make your very own homemade teething biscuits for your baby.

Cut the crusts off a slice of bread.

Flatten the bread with a rolling pin. Or if you’re like me and couldn’t really be bothered with all the fancy kitchen utensils, you can flatten them with your fingers! Just make sure your fingers are, of course, clean.

Then I spread the flattened bread with Heinz Vanilla Custard dessert. She loves to eat this on its own so I thought she would love it on the teething biscuits too.

You can put any spread you want – applesauce, blueberry jam, honey or even squished banana. Just remember to spread it very lightly because it’s just to give the teething biscuit flavor.

Roll the bread as tightly as you can and pinch the end to seal it.

All you got to do now is pop the bread into the microwave. Set it to high and microwave for about 50seconds. It should come out hard but if it’s still soft, just heat it up for another 10seconds.

It would be piping hot when it comes out from the microwave so let it cool off on a rack for about 5minutes.

Once cooled, the bread should be rock hard and ready to be nibbled by your teething little monster!

Here’s Sophia enjoying the teething biscuit.

Here’s Eros with Sophia while she munches away.

Sometimes If I Could Just

Today has not been a good day. At all.

I don’t know if you’ve tried it but sometimes, trying to stay and be positive all day everyday can be pretty darn exhausting. And I think it’s extra exhausting when you’re a mother.

Maybe it’s because I expect everything to be under my control. Maybe I expected that I should know how to handle things. Maybe because I just feel better when I know certain things run the way I planned them.

But then again maybe because I’m just really tired and mentally drained now having taken care of my sick kids for one week straight.

Both of them had the bug that is going on around my area for weeks.

Eros is real good at being the toddler that he is.

My eldest son has the stomach flu bug where he lost his appetite for everything and will only take his formula or a few slices of toast. My daughter has congested nose and can’t breathe properly when she’s sleeping so she’s always waking up during the night.

Then the fever hit my son.

Staying up all night for several days in a row to sponge bath him every hour so the fever will break has really made me a bitter and snappy person during the day. On top of that, him refusing to eat anything or rejecting his medication just made my temper worse. I know he is not eating because he’s lost his appetite due to that flu but when he doesn’t even want to take him medication, it just made me angry because I know it’ll slow down his recovery.

I know I shouldn’t be angry and it wasn’t as if my son was doing it on purpose but I’ve been so exhausted and worn out that I just can’t help but snap at him. It was at least a good thing that my daughter doesn’t have the fever because otherwise I would probably really lost it.

Eros and Sophia being silly with each other

It isn’t fair for them, I know because they count on me to take care of them.

And each time I get angry or snappy and started to yell, I feel like I’ve let them down. I can’t imagine how tough it must be for parents who have kids with serious illnesses or terminal diseases.

How hard it must be for them, how frustrating to see your kids sick that way and how helpless you feel for not being able to make them better as soon as you want them to be.

Probably it sounds selfish for you because it sounded as though I wanted my kids to get better just so I will have less work and less worry. But it’s not.

It’s about me hating myself when I’m not the “positive mom” that I should be. I know I’m only human who is allowed to have an off day sometimes but I feel like I shouldn’t. Especially when my kids are sick.

For me, I feel like I get really tested as a person and know my worth as a parent when my kids are sick. They really teach me what being a mother is all about.

Sure you can be all cuddly and loving and supportive and spend long hours with your kids during playtime and all. But you’ll know your limit and beyond as a parent when your kids are sick and you had to be with them all the time.

It’s not easy when you have to do it all on your own.

I know I have Mohen with me but most of the time, he’s either away because of work or he’ll be busy with something else, leaving everything to me. He pitches in some time but it isn’t always enough and isn’t always the full support and help that I need. I will not even talk about how many fights and talking over we’ve had over this issue here because I know I can rant about that for hours.

I guess I just hate being tired.

I know I need to allow myself to be and feel tired and worn out but I just can’t. I know I need to recognize my limit and work with my strength so I won’t burn out like this again but I just have that desire to be that perfect, positive mother I imagine to be.

Or maybe I just really need a break after working as full time mommy for 3 years.