I Thought I Was

It’s day 14 today.

I don’t feel any better about breastfeeding. I think there might be something wrong with my milk supply. I remembered distinctly when I was breastfeeding Sophia past year that my supply was a lot more than what it is right now for Damien. I have a feeling I have a low milk supply.

I remembered the time when Sophia was sleeping, my milk would “restock” itself and when I tried to squeeze it out, it would sometimes came out in spurts. This time around, when I squeeze my breasts, only a slow trickle will flow. I am so afraid because I really want to breastfeed Damien and I do not want to resort to formula just so he’ll have enough to eat.

I don’t even have much milk letdown this time. If I were to nurse Damien on one breast, I will only have a small amount of letdown on the other breast. I used to soak my nursing pad the last time I nursed Sophia.

I have no idea why this time around my milk supply is low. It seems to be so much when my milk came in last week and I was happy because I thought I’m the type blessed with abundant milk supply, the way I was with Eros and Sophia.

My mother said because I’m worried about my family and how Mohen needs to cope with all the family financial. Of course I can’t help but worry. I can’t make myself not to think about it. I know how hard it is for him to make ends meet so I can’t stop thinking about our situation. As much as I try to put the thought away while I breastfeed, it’s still hard to pretend like nothing is wrong.

I’ve been trying to correctly latch Damien for days. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I think I’ve read and seen videos on correct latch like a million times but still I can’t get him to properly suckle on my breasts. Instead I can feel him gumming my nipples and it’s so painful when he starts to nurse that sometimes I’m terrified when he’s awake for a feed.

My friends all tell me that both of us are learning and I shouldn’t beat myself up too hard over it.

But I can’t help but want to get it right because one, it’s mighty painful when he nurses and second, I feel like a complete failure for not being able to get it right even after 2 weeks and third, each time it hurts during nursing, I entertain the thought of feeding him with formula (yes, as much as I am resolved to not offer him any).

And it’s been two days now I feel pain on my cesarean incision.

It’s just at the beginning of the incision where there’s like a knot or something but it’s burning and feels like little electric shock pulses whenever I move in the wrong direction. I have to make sure that I press the spot and move in a right angle so the pain won’t send me reeling back onto bed.

I know the incision is not ripped or open because it’s absolutely clean and there’s no weird stuff coming out of it but I hate the pain because it limits my movement so much.

The thing is, I know I need to rest but with a 4 year old toddler and a 1 year old who is still in diapers, it’s hard to get as much rest as I needed.

I still have to look after them when my mom is occupied with something and sometimes I need bathe them and change Sophia’s diapers. I know that I’m not supposed to lift anything heavier than my newborn but it’s just crazy not to look after them when there’s no one else to help you.

I knew I was very apprehensive when we conceived Damien because I was afraid that I might not be able to cope.

I know that I can do this once the pain is over and my cesarean scar heals or when Damien finally knows how to latch.

But until then, I feel like a total failure.

Pushed

As I’m writing this, Damien is breastfeeding. He has been cluster feeding today that I thought I would lose my mind.

Although there’s that bond everyone is talking about when it comes to breastfeeding, I feel cluster feeding really does push a mother’s sanity to the edge. I have not left the bed, much less left the room for the whole day except to go the bathroom to wash my face because I feel like if I breastfeed for a minute longer, I will probably gouge my eyes out.

Damien sleeps for long hours.

I know how newborns are not really supposed to be doing that but his max is about 4 hours so that’s sort of acceptable according to our doctor. Even so, I try to catch him during his REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and wake him up for a feed after 3 hours. Neither of my two kids slept as long as Damien does when they were newborns so I’m always anxious about letting Damien sleep.

It’s weird that I have to wake up a sleeping baby when everybody knows babies love to sleep. My mom doesn’t believe in waking up newborns to feed because she said they will wake up if they are hungry. But I know that if I don’t wake Damien up my breasts will swell because the milk is not drained and he is supposed to be doing that. I guess it really is about being cruel to be kind sort of situation when it comes to waking up a sleeping newborn for a feed.

The things is, I’m afraid Damien might have jaundice because the whites of his eyes are tinged with yellow albeit barely noticeable. And I know jaundiced babies are sometimes too lethargic to wake themselves up for a feed thus missing the vital nutrients they need to combat the jaundice at this early stage of life.

I’m bringing Damien for a check up tomorrow. I just really hope he is okay.

Nipple Shield – Product Review

I haven’t done product review in a while so I would like to review something that I’m currently using.

Damien has been breastfeeding for a full week now and I’m so happy that we haven’t introduced to him a single drop of formula. Although I never feel that breastfed babies are superior to formula-fed babies, I’m just happy because I’ve always wanted to exclusively breastfeed since Sophia.

I attempted breastfeeding with all 3 children of mine and I used nipple shield at the earlier stages of breastfeeding.

I used nipple shield the first time with Eros because my nipples were rather short then and he couldn’t latch on properly. With Sophia was because she was nursing so often my nipples were sore and cracked and with Damien it is simply because I used it with Sophia and it made breastfeeding so much easier.

There is, of course,  a wide range of nipple shields sold but I’ve used only 3 brands so far and so my review will be based on these 3 only.

1. Pigeon Rubber Nipple Shield 

I used this when I was breastfeeding Sophia. What I like about this nipple shield is that the tip of the shield where the nipple should be isn’t hardened like some nipple shield. The texture is consistent all over so it’s very pliable and fits into the baby’s mouth perfectly. Because it’s made of rubber, it needs to be washed with soapy water immediately after use or otherwise milk deposits will gather and accumulate on the inside of the nipple shield. I ruined one because there were several occasions I forgot to wash it right after use during midnight feeding. Although it’s a little big and the color is not at all conspicuous (as it is the color of latex rubber), I used it for quite some time as Sophia adapted to it immediately.

 

2. Anakku Silicone Nipple Shield

 

I am currently using this when breastfeeding Damien. Unlike the Pigeon rubber nipple shield above, this one has its tips hardened so your baby may have a little difficulty at first in adapting it into his/her mouth. I like how the rest of the shield is and how it fits perfectly to your areola, giving it a firm grip and do not come off during breastfeeding. However because of the hardened tip, it may take some time before your teat can fully fill the nipple area. It can cause a little discomfort for the first few seconds but once steady suckling is established, you can hardly feel that you’re wearing a shield.

 

3. Avent Nipple Shield

I used this when I was trying to breastfeed Eros. Avent carries two types of nipple shield – a soft one and a hard one. We bought the soft one as it was our first time trying out a shield. For me, it is still hard for an infant’s mouth. Although the silicone is of a good grade, this is a shield that I liked least. I find that it slips off easily and my son had a hard time adjusting the hardened tip into his small mouth.

Using nipple shield is entirely up to the mother.

Some lactation consultants swear off nipple shield like the plague because it doesn’t help the baby to natural suckle and learn to breastfeed on his own. However, for breastfeeding mothers with sore, cracked or inverted nipples, nipple shields are a heaven sent.

For me, I find it useful in the early stages of breastfeeding, those first few days home from the hospital when your milk just coming in and your breasts are engorged to the size of melons. But once my child has gotten the hang of breastfeeding, I discontinue using them.

What do you think of nipple shield and have you ever used them? Share your experience and which one do you like best!

 

The Last Lap. Again.

Runners will run their last lap with any last ounce of energy and speed they have in them to win the race.

That, is of course, easier said than done in my case. Not that I have any intention of doing any running at this stage. I can hardly get out of bed without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes, thank you very much.

But with less than 2 weeks to go, it does feel like running the last lap where the finishing line is just there at the end of the horizon that you can almost feel yourself collapsing after you’ve crossed it. I can see the labor room, the bustling nurses and sound of electronic beeping coming from machines and whatnot and the highly anticipated shrill cry of the prize after the race – the baby.

Sophia is doing well and progressing as she should during her gestation. There weren’t as many complications as Eros’ was and there were less false alarm scares with her.

But then I think it’s because it’s the second time around for me, I don’t know.

Other than knowing pretty much what to expect, I don’t freak out that often when a stomachache spell lasted more than 20minutes or that my back feel like someone just put a sledgehammer right through it or that I feel drowsy all of a sudden and there’s this burning itch in my chest that just won’t go away.

Eros on the day he was born.

My previous last lap was nerve-wrecking with every other slight cramp is timed and recorded. I tread each step with care and watch out for any sign at all that indicate the baby is ready. At the point, no matter how much I’ve read on being prepared, I have no idea what to expect.

Sure the book explain which part of your body will feel the pain and how the pain is like but it didn’t and couldn’t possible make you feel the pain. So I can only imagine what it would be like. So nervous I was at that time, I was even scared to go to the toilet just in case I mistake my bowel movement for labor.

It’s a heck a lot more relaxed this time around, I’m glad to say.

Even Mohen is not a bundle of nerves. He was calm enough during our first time and when my water broke, he didn’t panic and took me to the hospital serenely enough. I don’t know if he was going wild inside to keep himself from freaking out as well but thanks to him, I was relaxed and didn’t panic.

I think he did that for me, even if he was panicking. I mean, he must’ve felt something as well. He can’t be all that cool and composed over the birth of his first child, can he? Either he wants to jump for joy or pace the floor incessantly, he kept it under wraps. He was there for me the way he was expected to and handled everything else other than the birth for me like how he was meant to.

As I write this, I have never really thought about it then.

Eros is a natural with the camera even at 2 days old.

I was so wrapped up in delivering and having Eros that I think I didn’t really thank Mohen for being there for me. We were together at every step of the way but I didn’t take the time to really say how glad I was to have him around.

I know he gave without asking anything in return but I must remember to thank him when I see him tonight when he comes back from work. We are going through this again very soon and I don’t want him to think that I don’t appreciate him being around or doing anything he can to make me feel better.

We have yet to get much of Sophia’s things ready, to be honest. Other than the things that are still very usable from Eros’ time, we’re only going to get more items for her next week.

And I don’t feel bad about it. Hang on – I mean, I feel bad to some extent, thinking that we don’t go all out to get everything new for Sophia the way we did for Eros but with so many things still can be used and knowing what to expect and get for a newborn, I’m surprised at how relaxed we are this time around.

I think this is what my mother meant when she says you get better with each children. You make all the mistakes you can with the first, you do a couple more with the next and correct yourself as more children comes along and finally get the idea of what the hell is going on with the last one.

Our first glimpse of Sophia.

For me, with Sophia, I would like to think that we are more prepared and mature to receive her.

I feel that she would be in better hands now that I know what breastfeeding is, how much a baby can poop, how to make a newborn feel better if she is colicky or understand the tone of her voice when she cries or whimpers.

I feel good to know that I am not as scared now as I was with Eros. I’m happy to realize that this time around I can look for signs of post-partum depression, having to go through one with my first baby. I’m glad now that I don’t feel awkward being up to my elbows with diapers and vomit and enjoy to be doing it at that for I realized those things didn’t matter when you’re bringing up a person into this world.

Deep inside, I think Mohen feels the same way about being a parent. Sure he has less domestic worries like I do because he has to think about finances now that there are more mouths to feed but I’m certain he’s looking forward to feel like a father to a newborn again.

I may not be running to my finishing line but I’m sure as hell getting there fast.

Bringing Eros into this world was one of the best things Mohen and I have ever done.

If You Don’t Have A Baby, Then Don’t Stare

I don’t know why people love to stare.

There are, of course, endless possible answers to that question. People stare because they are curious, people stare because they see something different, people stare because someone beautiful just walked past, they stare because someone deformed is sitting across from them in the hospital waiting room, they stare because they want to look and sometimes people stare because they like to stare.

I am not talking about paranoid people who thinks that the world is constantly staring at them because unless you are a celebrity or someone who looks like she just stepped out of Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot, then you have my pity, but staring as in locked in a fixated gaze towards something and not bother making any effort to conceal the fact that you are downright staring.

I mean, I thought our mothers have taught us that it’s rude to stare. It makes people you stare at uncomfortable, it makes you look like someone who was born yesterday and everything amazes you and of course, it makes you seem rude, even if you are the nicest person on earth.

I’m not saying that you can’t look because at the end of the day, people with eyesight tend to be curious. But there is a fine line in looking at what’s happening to going beyond the boundaries of personal space by flat out staring.

This morning was my ObGyn check up. There are a lot of pregnant mothers and toddlers around, especially it being a combined O&G and Pediatrics clinic. I was reading, waiting for my turn when a very young mother walked in and sat in the empty seat next to me. The lady that accompanied her went to register her visit with the nurse.

As she slowly make herself comfortable in the chair, for clearly I can see that she isn’t, I noticed how she has got to be the frailest young mother I have ever seen. She is still wearing thick woolen socks, so that means she must’ve just given birth about a month or so. Her child was also very small and already started to make huffing and puffing sounds. Quickly she brought her child to her breasts and the baby began suckling hungrily enough. Out of motherly instinct, I glanced to see if the baby latched on right because if she isn’t, I know she is going to start crying and it is frustrating to hear a hungry baby’s cry and there is nothing more frustrating than to hear a hungry baby’s cry in a clinic while waiting for your turn.

After a few minutes, the registry nurse called out to this young mother who just fallen into rhythm of breastfeeding her baby. My ears pricked for I know this isn’t a good sign. The young mother passed her child to the lady accompanying her and hobbled her way to the registration counter. The nurse led her into a chair and started talking, about what I can only imagine but it sure isn’t a short conversation for the nurse settled herself comfortably in her chair, placed her elbows on the table, laced her fingers together and begin to address the young mother.

Five seconds later the baby cried.

I don’t know if you’ve heard a newborn’s hungry cry before but if you ever do, then you know what I mean when I say you can only imagine how such a little thing can have such strong lungs to pierce high Heavens with her shrill cry. The lady that was holding the baby during the young mother’s absence started to fidget. She too was getting uncomfortable. She rocked the baby back and forth, shushing and kissing the baby to comfort her but we both know that those are not going to work.

I registered the baby’s cry indifferently while I read because one, I know the baby is hungry and there is nothing I or anyone in the clinic, except her young mother, can do about it, and two, it’s a pediatric clinic so crying babies, vomiting toddlers and maniacal preschoolers are what the place is about. There is no point in me getting all jittery and fussy about it.

Then I started to notice out of the corners of my eyes heads started turning.

A glance to see if the baby is okay, is fine and even tolerable as a sign of sympathy and courtesy. But to blatantly turned and looked with scrunched eyebrows is, sir, down right, rude. You don’t have to extend your necks like a meerkat to see what’s going on. It’s a baby crying in a pediatric clinic. What, did you think it was a mother biting her baby’s cheek to see if the baby is breathing?

Okay, so you turned and looked with this annoyed look on your face, as though your peaceful wait in the plank-hard chair was interrupted by this little infant’s cry. But to repeatedly turn and look, is that something you think will make the baby stop crying? I may not be staring at you to know that you turned several times to look but I can very well know even out of the corners of my eyes while I continued reading. You are, after all, still within my periphery of vision.

It irritated me so much because not only the men turned and stare but even women too. I mean, are you not mothers too? Don’t your child ever cried that way before? Was your child clapping when he is hungry and needs to be fed? For one second, I felt that had I no self control, I would’ve taken the baby and offered her to the starers and asked them to try to do something to make her stop crying, if her crying disturbs them so, thank you very much.

I looked up to look at the young mother for I know how she must’ve felt. Sure enough, she was fidgeting in her chair and looked over her shoulders every other second to check on her baby, who was still being rocked by the other lady, whom I assume is the baby’s grandmother. Then my eyes trained on the nurse who was still talking. Can she not hear that the baby is crying? I mean, I know it’s her routine and probably Mozart to her ears, but surely she has enough sense to let this young mother go and feed her baby for a few minutes. What can possibly be so important that the conversation can’t be resumed shortly after?

After what seemed like an endless concert of crying and shushing, the young mother finally stood up and tried her best to quickly walk back to her bawling child. You would’ve thought that those that stared before would’ve had their fun of staring at the baby, but no. They continued now to stare at the mother, with daggers flying out of their eyes, as though it is her fault that the baby is crying. Probably some of them was secretly accusing her for not feeding her baby enough or wondering what is wrong with her baby that it kept crying so much and so loudly.

The young mother looked like she was about burst out crying. For the second time she struggled into her seat and brought her baby to her breasts. I then realized that she couldn’t get her baby to properly latch. This, for non breast-feeders, means the baby couldn’t hold on correctly to suckle on the mother’s nipple that it kept slipping out from the baby’s mouth and therefore the baby’s sucking motions didn’t extract any amount of milk from her mother’s breast. Only after about 5 tries did the baby latch on right and was able to gulp away hungrily and once again the clinic was thrown into silence.

But I felt the oppressing air from the starers for still, some of them turned to look. Feeling that I had to do something for the poor mother next to me for I think she had enough, I openly stared back at the people who occasionally turned to look. The baby has quietened down so there was no reason at all now to look. Thankfully, no more turned to stare after that and the young mother was able to I think, finally breathe easy. She even leaned back in the seat and cradled her baby closer, as though she was afraid her child might slipped away from her breast again.

Excessive instinctive staring is, I think, a disorder.

You can look but you don’t have to stare. What more in a situation where you should have enough common sense to accept whatever it is that is happening. I mean, you wouldn’t stare at a bereaved mother at her son’s funeral, would you? I can’t begin to comprehend what makes people think they have the right to stare at an obviously young and first-time mother who can barely walk and is trying to comfort her child, whom she only got to know in less than 3o days.

You should never stare because no matter how hard you think it is for you to endure a passing situation, it is the person that you stare at who is going to go home with whatever it is you think is afflicting them.

If you really can’t help yourself, then instead of staring, you can offer a comforting smile, or perhaps strike a light conversation just to ease things up for you.

I just hope your light conversation wouldn’t turn into an interrogation.