Posted in Motherhood, Parenting

I Learn To See In The Dark

In retrospect, there were a lot of things I’m doing now that I would never imagine I could.

Having a new baby has made me realize that not only Eros has taught me many things, but I come to terms that I am still very new at this. So I sincerely believe that I will get better in time and that no one except me that is gawking at the fact that I need to be a goddamn god mother in just under 2 months.

1. I can see well with the lights out – Before, I kept turning on the lights in the middle of the night so I could see where I was going in the room when Eros needs a change or another feeding. Although I knew where everything was, I had to turn on the lights because I didn’t want to knock things over and startled Eros. Now I can snaked my way around the room, nocturnal style, without even kicking Mohen’s backpack that he left the night before by the baby’s hamper.

2. Crying doesn’t necessarily means he’s hungry – I kept feeding Eros whenever he cries before, thinking for sure that he’s hungry and needs to be nursed. Now I learn to decipher his cries and I know the cue when he’s hungry, when he wants to be cuddled or simply crying to get my attention to be picked up because he’s bored in his crib.

3. Having one arm to do things is a gift – I always wonder how they do it when I see moms at shopping malls cradling their baby in one arm, pushing the stroller with the other while having a cell phone sandwiched between the ear and the shoulder. Now I can do all that without even thinking how I do it. I can soothe Eros while he cries in one arm and set up the changing table with the other while pushing the swing out of the way with the toe of my foot. I don’t entirely feel like a Wonder Woman but it sure does make me feel kind of, well, super.

4. Mohen’s magical ability to pacify a hysterical Eros just by holding him is a bless – I used to resent Mohen for being able to just calm our Eros just by holding him and cooing him a little when I tried in vain everything in the world and exactly everything Mohen did. I learnt now that Eros doesn’t hate me but a 80days old baby has a very short attention span so he’s bored with me quicker than I thought he would and being with Mohen is just his way of taking a short break from one face and learning of another. Now, whenever Eros cries with anything that I did and Mohen takes over quickly, I accept that as a break for me as well and not teaching Eros to favorite one parent than the other because if I keep forcing myself to calm Eros, I get more agitated and who Eros seems to have a strong sixth sense, cries even louder.

5. No matter how much other takes care of Eros, he always wants me at the end of the day –Eros has now taken to the habit to sleep in the nook of my elbow, nestled comfortably in my left arm. Sure it hurts my back and breaks my shoulder but the sight on him sighing contedly and smiling sometimes make me not want to put him down. If someone were to take him away Eros would wail at the top of his lungs and will not be still until he’s in my arm again. This would not work with everyone else except with me. I would’ve to wait for him to be soundly asleep, usually about 45minutes after feeding before I can gingerly move him back into his crib. Sure 45minutes is really long when you have a 4.5kg baby in your arm but it clenches my heart as though Eros just wrapped his fingers around it that sometimes, I wish I don’t have to put him down even though I have one basket of laundry to sort and his bottles to clean.

It really has been just 80days after Eros was born. Most of the times I feel like it has taken me long enough to learn about how to take care of a baby by now. But when I looked back and realized it’s hardly been 3 months and of course, being a perfectionist and an obsessive compulsive person, I pushed myself too hard to the point of me being frustrated with myself for no solid reason.

A person once told me that it takes a lifetime to learn how to be a parent.

I couldn’t agree more.



A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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