You know how sometimes people say they hate when Christmas comes around because it reminds them of all the times they had with their family and how remembering those times sucks because they have now fallen out with their family and there is nothing worse than remembering happier times in your miserable times? Or how the singles usually hate the holidays because they don’t have anyone to spend it with and no reason to buy those nice gifts because they have virtually no one that special to give it to?
Well, Raya is actually pretty much the same ball game too.
Sometimes I hate the festive seasons too because the nearer it gets, the suckier I sometimes feel. I mean, I tend to have this undulating mood swings when it comes to something big or important.
For example, on the day before the dance finals that I worked so hard for, I felt as though I just want to get it over with just so I wouldn’t have to practice so much anymore. Or that I hate the fact that I don’t have the same motivation as on the day of the auditions. I feel as though I am just performing for the sake of having someone to perform fifth during the finals. I didn’t have that X factor in me in wanting to go out there and bam!
Just like Raya.
The night when we went out to buy baju for Eros, I was pretty excited because it was his first Raya and I know he would look really cute in his smallish baju and all. But other than that I don’t feel the hype that I felt before. I have, frankly, lost my mood for Raya ever since I was 17 and I don’t know why. I have been trying to find that contributing factor but I can’t seem to place my finger on it.
It wasn’t as if I was single, and yes we have establish that fact clearly. And it wasn’t as if I was feeling sucky without a family because now, my family is Mohen and Eros – the 2 most important thing in the world so it didn’t matter to me if I don’t have anyone else as long as these 2 men are in my life.
I don’t know. I really do sometimes hate the festive seasons.
Maybe I won’t be hating Christmas as much because by then, it will really just be the 3 of us and I definitely can’t wait for that!