Posted in Relationship

Hurm… Hurm… Hurm…

So the talk or rather, the explanation that I gave to Mohen sort of, I think to some extent, improve our relationship.

I don’t know whether it got better because now he knows that I don’t care and I don’t control his actions anymore or it got better because now both of us feel free and not obligated to one another like how we used to although we are of course still obligated to each other.

He did however admitted that he now feels abandoned because I have chosen to ignore his actions and not care about what he does with other girls. Does this make sense to you?

I mean, first he said that he couldn’t care less if I were still the way I was before when I encounter this problem with him. Then when I chose to ignore and not care about what he does, he feels guilty about wanting to go out with girls because he knows that no matter what he does, I will not care and I will still love him like there is nothing wrong. Now he tells me that he feels abandoned because there is no one that cares for his action anymore.

Now, I think, he has got me confused!

There were a few things that I sort of thought about after I have made the decision to not care about his actions and ignore whatever he chooses to do with other girls.

I realized that it sounds so wrong as a wife to not care about what her husband actions are with other girls.

As a wife, I have all the right in the world to be angry, to be suspicious, to be jealous, when my husband is having too close a relationship with another woman. Especially when the woman is someone who gives me the bad feeling.

I don’t care what I have to explain to others when they ask me whether I don’t worry about Mohen because I don’t think I need to explain to them anything. But what about what I tell myself?

I know that I am able to automatically shut off any part of my emotions once I chose to but what about what’s going on on my mind?

What’s going on on my mind when one day Mohen comes home and tells me that he just went out with a girl for a beer and then they kissed before they left each other for the night. Even I am imagining this now literally, it doesn’t bother me and I am to some extent a little worried that I am not in the least manner worried.

I mean, I should be worried, right?

I am after all his wife and what kind of wife doesn’t react when her husband told her that he just kissed another woman?

Am I being this ignorant just so I wouldn’t care or hurt about what Mohen’s actions are when it comes to other girls? Am I being selfish, only thinking about my own hurt when all the while, Mohen could be hurting (although this to me does sound a little far-fetched) as well since he doesn’t have a wife that cares about what he does anymore?

I seriously don’t know if what I am doing is downright suicidal or something else altogether that I don’t even know what to call it.

I think, at this moment, I just want to see how this all played out first.

I am allowed to change my mind in the future. This was my decision, so who to say I can’t make changes.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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