Posted in Relationship

Why Then I Feel So Crappy?

Mohen told me that he finally called Tasha after so long.

He said they talked innocently enough, catching up about what has been going on and all that. Mohen mentioned me and she was excited enough to talk about me, so he said.

She asked him whether I like him and he said maybe. She said that I was funny and she liked talking to me. She was telling him that I must be really smart because I like to read and study. She knows that we are staying together and all that. She didn’t sound jealous, so he said.

I mean, I don’t what the fuck is up with me about Tasha.

I wanted her to hang out with us, I wanted her to feel that she has a family by being with us and all that. I want her to feel like she has a sister by having me but when now that Mohen has finally gotten back in touch with her, I feel so crappy because I know that somehow deep in me, I didn’t really want this to happen.

When I don’t think too much about it, I want her to hang out with us at malls, having lunch coffee and smoke. Then I think about how it would feel like when she is really physically with us, I would hate and I would regret the day I ever invited her into my family and it will make me feel worse because by then it would be too late for me to ask her to leave.

I don’t know why I am so hooked on this girl that I don’t know, that I have never met, that I have never even imagined I would have  a soft spot for her.

I am afraid of myself of what I would do because I love Mohen, Eros and us, as a family. I want to give Tasha a family but why the heck it has to be mine. I don’t dare to lose Mohen to someone else and as much I feel that she wouldn’t be evil enough to rob them away from me, it’s a chance I dare not to take and all on top of this apprehension, I want nothing more than for her to hang out with us.

Someone please slap me.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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