Something somewhat scary happened today.
(straying thought – first 3 words start with “s”. it’s called something in literary terms…can’t remember what…)
Right after the meeting, he said that I did a lot of talking. I looked at him and he smiled and said that’s good (I know it’s not because he has this sarcasm in his eyes). Then he said to give him some space.
I knew it right away something was definitely wrong. I didn’t want to ask so much while we were smoking but I feel like I wanted to hear what was wrong. What I got was totally unexpected.
He told me that she was asking for me several times. As though brushing off his presence there and could not wait for me to join the meeting. He felt belittled, he felt humiliated. He felt unimportant.
To be in a room with so many important people, and yet to be brushed off over someone else, is a terrible feeling. As a matter of fact, I think it is more than terrible. I don’t know. I have never been brushed off before.
Even if I had, I was too indifferent to notice it. I am more defensive and belittled when someone is targeting on my personal traits directly. Telling me I am not good in this way, I am negative when it comes to this or that. That I can’t take because I feel like you are trying to change me. I know that sometimes I have to know how to maneuver around people are hard to work with. But I couldn’t care less.
But to be brushed off, or ignored, or belittled, or looked down upon?
I think that is entirely something else. If it didn’t hit him hard the way it did today, he would simply be pissed and not did what he did today. There were times I count of it on one hand and still have fingers left. So I know this is something else.
Yet, all the while, I can’t help but feel that somehow I am to blame for most part of it. I know he meant it honestly when he said that he didn’t blame me at all or felt one moment I was standing in his way, but somehow I am blaming myself for this too.
I can’t disguise who and what I am and I know that he is that one person that knows this truly. And still, I feel like he is secretly or at least subconsciously blaming me because I think he is honest when he said that he didn’t blame me. Consciously at least. But still, if I know him as much as I said I do, then what happened today was because of he felt and not because he blames me. The reaction was different when he blamed me over something and it wasn’t as if he never blamed me over something before. So I can very well distinguish it between anger to himself and annoyance towards me.
If I was there earlier, this could’ve been prevented. Maybe she can think that way but to actually show it in front of him is really too much to take. Perhaps maybe he can use this to work on himself better. I can see that he meant it when he said what he wanted to make sure of. So maybe it is a very cruel wake up call. Ok, maybe not wake up call because he has always been, well, up and about with himself. More of like harsh reminder for him to pull up his socks and buckle up.
It was very humble of him to use me as a benchmark but I honestly feel that I am keeping him down because I have a very strong and dominant presence/personality. I know that time and time again, I have overshadowed others without having any intention of doing it. And least of all, I don’t want to be doing it to him.
I know he is going to work on this. I know he felt like he was slapped across the face because that will be exactly how I would’ve felt had I been in his shoes.
I guess twice is enough for him.