Posted in Relationship

I Get This Buzz In My Head

Sometimes when I’m not really thinking about anything in particular, I get this  buzz in my head when I think of Mohen.

It has been almost 3 years that we’re together and yet it did sometimes feel like we just got together a few months back. Of course when Eros is around the reality hits harder than I imagine. But when it’s just me and him, it makes me feel like it’s just the two of us. That is why I love being with Mohen all the time. And I like spending time alone with him, just talking about silly things that don’t make any sense.

Although sometimes I wonder if he still feels the same way when he was first with me. I don’t know if he change but I think when it comes to certain things, he did. I would like to think that I don’t change but I think I would be lying if I say I didn’t. But I think I didn’t change the way I feel about him or treat him compared to the first time we got together.

I know that now when we argue, I tend to be more angry and vocal and rude to him compared to the last time. I wasn’t the type that argue much in a relationship because, honestly, I never really did care much about it back then. Whenever I had some rough time with whoever it was I was with, I took the easy way out and walked away either from the fight or the whole thing altogether.

But I don’t change the way I feel. I don’t change the way I show to him how  much I love him. And these are the things that I think he changed from. It just feels different. And for a woman who can even notice if he blinks his eyes differently, I sure as hell noticed many things that were different from last time.

When I think of this things it squeezes my heart and give me that buzz in my head. I don’t know what it is but it’s not something that I like very much. I can’t tell what it is that is bothering me. When I asked, of course he would say that I am being ridiculous.

It’s great sometimes not to have him around because I get my space. But I miss him too easily and wishes him near me again. But I think he loves his space too much still for me to be around him all the time.

I don’t want us to fall into this routine where we simply tolerated each other’s presence.

I want us to want to be with each other and not just have the other person to be stuck with.

I don’t know. I can’t think because of this buzz in  my head.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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