Posted in Motherhood

Another Visit?

I was ovulating last week.

Now I am not sure if I am pregnant again. Somehow I am not happy. I wouldn’t say not happy but I am not overthrilled or excited about it. Come to think of it, I am not happy.

It’s not that I mind babies or going through the whole midnight bottle, mewling and spitting baby at God’s forsaken hour. I am just not ready for a second child. Heck, I don’t think I’m even over the first one, to be frank.

I went through post-partum depression with Eros. It really is something that I don’t want to go through again. I was lucky because I detected the symptoms myself, thanks to all the reading and mental preparation I put myself through before Eros was born. Up to today, I do feel sometimes the depression has not really left me. I don’t know how long exactly post-partum depression should last but I think there is no “should” in it for me to ask that question.

Probably if I were to have another baby, I wouldn’t go through it again. But probably the depression will be worse what more now that I am less prepared to have a baby than I was the first time with Eros. I don’t know and I don’t want to find out. I would rather have a second baby when I sincerely feel that I want a baby. I don’t want to keep this baby (if I really am pregnant, that is) just because for the sake of keeping it.

Boys and Cake

Very big part of me says that I am not pregnant. Small part of me saying that maybe I am. Tiny part of me saying I think so…Another part of me saying, Oh God what if??

I can’t say in what sense I am not ready to have another baby but I just can feel it that I am not ready yet. Truth be told, I don’t even want to know what it is that makes me feel that I am not ready.

Of course there is this other part of me thinking that it would be nice if Eros can have someone else around the house other than myself. I don’t know if I can handle having a newborn while Eros himself still demands a lot of attention. With his hyperactive energy, I just wouldn’t want to be screaming my head off at Eros while I nurse the newborn. Or worse feel guilty for Eros for scolding him just because I need to take care of the new baby. Or hate the newborn because I couldn’t pay attention to Eros anymore. On top of that, my relationship with Mohen is probably going to strain again just the way it did when Eros was born. Perhaps not, because we learnt from the last one but then again, I don’t want to know if that will happen or not.

Baby toes

I am not saying that I want to definitely know how the future will go because come on, even that sentence already sound absurd. But as much as I know that I can’t know what the future holds, I am still not ready at all to be indifferent towards it to make me bold in facing it.

More than anything I am scared to have another baby. This is perhaps more of an experience for someone who has never had a baby and not for someone who is going to be visited by the stork the second time. When Eros was conceived, it happened to quickly for me to even grasp that I was pregnant. It was totally unplanned and we decided to stick with it. To be brutally honest, Mohen wants to keep the baby when we first learnt that we were pregnant. I didn’t want it back then.

With the second time around, I am more aware of what it is to be pregnant, what it is that I can or might go through and all of those things, God’s honest truth? Scared the daylight out of me. I’m not in the situation now where I can be mentally strong to face all that. I can take care of a baby and I’m proud to have brought up Eros to where he is now all this while. But it’s the emotions and mental state of mind that I might be going through really, really scares me.

I am going to have a test done tomorrow to find out whether I’ve been worried for nothing or there is going to be something really big and important that I need to decide.

Whatever it is, I hope I am strong enough for either.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

6 thoughts on “Another Visit?

  1. Every pregnancy is different. Just because you had PPD last time doesn’t mean you’ll get it again. I recommend breastfeeding (without suppliment bottles) which has been said to decrease the odds of getting PPD and I found to be a wonderful bonding experience.
    I had three babies in three years and nursed them all. You don’t need to be superwoman. Babies are wonderful.

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  2. Can I just say what a relief to search out somebody who really knows what theyre speaking about on the internet. You definitely know how you can convey a difficulty to mild and make it important. More folks have to learn this and perceive this aspect of the story. I cant believe youre not more widespread because you definitely have the gift.

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  4. oh dear … i know what you mean. so many things to consider having another baby at home … time, finances, childcare etc etc etc … i just had my second girl in Oct … she arrived 29 weeks and was in the NICU for 52 days. the labor was a traumatic experience not knowing if she would make it plus the hospital didn’t find a ventilator for our little girl until i was 8cm dilated. i would never wish that kind of trauma, body and mind, on anyone.

    but thank goodness, she’s home now and feeding well πŸ™‚ little Maia is our miracle baby!

    i hope everything will straighten out for you whether it be positive or negative … you should know by now already i guess πŸ™‚ we females are resilient beings, (i found that out with baby Maia) , we will find a way to get thru whatever that’s thrown upon us, esp if it involves our loved ones πŸ™‚ stay strong and be well.

    p/s btw … i am NOT stalking you πŸ™‚ just in case you’re thinking why i’m everywhere on your blogs and being such a busy body πŸ™‚

    saw in one of your posts that you and your other half are dancers? what form do you do? i use to dance professionally as well, commercial shows … now i still choreograph, tho limited to company staff . since the babies came, i’ve sort of taken a back seat … at this moment you can call me a fat, unfit, semi retired choreographer ;P … most of the time, i’m just at home making art and jewelry … my other passion πŸ™‚

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    1. Hey, it’s okay. It’s nice to know you check out my other blogs and give thoughts to my thoughts. I write mostly for myself as a form of expression because I have been writing since I was 10 and really want to be a writer one day. So to have someone read what I write and give their thoughts without me asking, is a rewarding feeling.

      Well, so yeah, we are not pregnant. Although we are planning for a second one by the end of the year. I’m a very OCD kind of person so it’s not that I am that scared to have a baby. It’s just the prospect of me not knowing what happened and suddenly had to deal with it scares me to the core.

      Oh, we have not been dancing for a long time! What you say is right. When Eros comes along, it was rather difficult for us to go to classes or competitions and things. I mean we can put him up at a babysitter or something but I hate feeling guilty while dancing because I know my son is at someone else’s house.

      I used to teach Salsa many years back. My boyfriend used to dance the traditional Indian dance, which is super hard! Even I can’t move my body as languidly as he can! LOL. Now we just do modern dance and a little merengue.

      Maia is such a sweet name! I am really really hoping for another boy should we conceive this December!

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