I was ovulating last week.
Now I am not sure if I am pregnant again. Somehow I am not happy. I wouldn’t say not happy but I am not overthrilled or excited about it. Come to think of it, I am not happy.
It’s not that I mind babies or going through the whole midnight bottle, mewling and spitting baby at God’s forsaken hour. I am just not ready for a second child. Heck, I don’t think I’m even over the first one, to be frank.
I went through post-partum depression with Eros. It really is something that I don’t want to go through again. I was lucky because I detected the symptoms myself, thanks to all the reading and mental preparation I put myself through before Eros was born. Up to today, I do feel sometimes the depression has not really left me. I don’t know how long exactly post-partum depression should last but I think there is no “should” in it for me to ask that question.
Probably if I were to have another baby, I wouldn’t go through it again. But probably the depression will be worse what more now that I am less prepared to have a baby than I was the first time with Eros. I don’t know and I don’t want to find out. I would rather have a second baby when I sincerely feel that I want a baby. I don’t want to keep this baby (if I really am pregnant, that is) just because for the sake of keeping it.
Very big part of me says that I am not pregnant. Small part of me saying that maybe I am. Tiny part of me saying I think so…Another part of me saying, Oh God what if??
I can’t say in what sense I am not ready to have another baby but I just can feel it that I am not ready yet. Truth be told, I don’t even want to know what it is that makes me feel that I am not ready.
Of course there is this other part of me thinking that it would be nice if Eros can have someone else around the house other than myself. I don’t know if I can handle having a newborn while Eros himself still demands a lot of attention. With his hyperactive energy, I just wouldn’t want to be screaming my head off at Eros while I nurse the newborn. Or worse feel guilty for Eros for scolding him just because I need to take care of the new baby. Or hate the newborn because I couldn’t pay attention to Eros anymore. On top of that, my relationship with Mohen is probably going to strain again just the way it did when Eros was born. Perhaps not, because we learnt from the last one but then again, I don’t want to know if that will happen or not.
I am not saying that I want to definitely know how the future will go because come on, even that sentence already sound absurd. But as much as I know that I can’t know what the future holds, I am still not ready at all to be indifferent towards it to make me bold in facing it.
More than anything I am scared to have another baby. This is perhaps more of an experience for someone who has never had a baby and not for someone who is going to be visited by the stork the second time. When Eros was conceived, it happened to quickly for me to even grasp that I was pregnant. It was totally unplanned and we decided to stick with it. To be brutally honest, Mohen wants to keep the baby when we first learnt that we were pregnant. I didn’t want it back then.
With the second time around, I am more aware of what it is to be pregnant, what it is that I can or might go through and all of those things, God’s honest truth? Scared the daylight out of me. I’m not in the situation now where I can be mentally strong to face all that. I can take care of a baby and I’m proud to have brought up Eros to where he is now all this while. But it’s the emotions and mental state of mind that I might be going through really, really scares me.
I am going to have a test done tomorrow to find out whether I’ve been worried for nothing or there is going to be something really big and important that I need to decide.
Whatever it is, I hope I am strong enough for either.