“For a second there I thought I saw twins.”
When my ob-gyn said that, I didn’t know whether to smile or panic.
I have always had this gut-feeling that I always trust. 9 out 10 times, when I have a hunch about something, it always turn out to be right. Sooner or later, no matter how long it is, it will prove itself to me that my hunch was right all along.
So when my period was late, I knew I was pregnant. It’s just that I wasn’t ready at all to be pregnant was the reason why I delayed a check up. I was giving myself that room for doubt in case my period is late for that month. For the record, my period has been late only once and that was when I found out I was pregnant with Eros. So I know in my hearts of heart that I am only kidding myself.
The thing is, I am ready to have a second child but I don’t think I’m ready to be a mother of two. I don’t know if that’s ironic or just plain doesn’t make sense but that was how I feel. I really want the feeling of being pregnant, having a baby in my belly while an older one is running around the house making me laugh. But I didn’t want the juggling of handling a newborn while having to baby the first one still.
If I were to wait for my eldest to be old enough to take care of himself, he’ll be a loner and probably wouldn’t know how to socialize very well. I know the importance of having a sibling and the benefits – you know, having someone to fight with, someone to share a secret with, someone to blame, someone to play tag with – pretty much all the fundamental elements of socializing can safely be said are borne by having a sibling.
Plus my son is getting bored with me at home. He wants me around but he doesn’t want me around that much. He’s only going to be 3 but he’s already acting like he’s 16. So it would probably do me good to hone my skills with a newborn since it has been almost 3 years since I last burped a baby or wake up at 2am for a midnight feed.
Now I’ve been carrying my second child for almost 6months. I am more comfortable with my pregnant body compared to how I was reacting to it the first time. I know what it is that I feel when my belly just did a turbulence roll or why I get heartburn sometimes. I don’t panic or check the pregnancy book every 5 minutes. My belly didn’t get in the way as much as it did the first time because I know now how to manage it so that it gets out of the way when I’m doing housework.
As a matter of fact, it makes me feel more like a woman now that I’m going to have a second one. Like I’ve been doing this for years and it’s second nature to me. I didn’t embrace this pregnancy as much as I was when I was carrying Eros, that I must honestly say. Maybe because I didn’t want to be pregnant yet, maybe I thought I wasn’t ready to be a Mommy to a newborn all over again, maybe I was just scared in case I will make the mistakes that I did when bringing up Eros.
I know being a mother is a lifetime lesson and no matter how good I am with them or how many kids I will have, there will always be something that I need to learn. I guess I’m just not ready to learn more new things as yet because I am still learning with Eros.
But I think I’m not scared for me. I’ve never been scared of mistakes. Not until I start having a child. I am afraid of what I do or didn’t do is the reason how my son is today. Maybe he always throw things because I once threw a toy away in rage and he remembers, maybe he always scream because I always yell at him when I am angry.
I don’t want to think that I made mistakes on my child.
And I don’t want to repeat them with a second one because I think I might do it all over again without me realizing it. I am still fixing my mistakes with my first so how could I cope with a second? I will never forgive myself if my mistakes are the reasons my children can’t be what they want to be or what they can be.
People always say I think too much. Sometimes I think they are right.
Maybe the reason why women can get pregnant over and over again is because there is always something to fix about yourself. You pick up where you left off with the last one and start new with the new one. You practice the old tricks and learn new trades. You get better and better and better even though it takes you a lifetime to learn.
I’m not scared for me because I’m not having a baby.
The baby is having me. And she puts all her expectation in me.
Even you have to agree that that’s a lot of pressure.