Posted in Motherhood

Claw Me Out!

I am such an emotional wreck these few days.

I’m in the midst of my third trimester now (34weeks at this point) and already I am tired of lugging around this enormous duplex that other people call body. I snap way too easily at way too tedious a thing, I have no patience, am clumsy as though I have forgotten how to use my fingers, every part of my body aches, I can’t sleep at night without tossing and turning for at least 2 hours and I feel like walking around naked all day because all of a sudden my house has an internal heating system that doesn’t seem to have an ON/OFF function anywhere.

The worst part is Eros is getting the ugly part of the deal.

I lash out at him too easily and then get weepy because I scolded him for something that he has been doing since before I was pregnant. Just because I’m almost 9months pregnant his habit of throwing his toys when he’s bored with them seems more irritating now than it was in January. I’m seething with anger all the time that I had to walk away or bit my tongue so I’ll stop myself from yelling at Eros again or even fear that I might hit him.

I know he’s scared of me now and he even looks at me differently because he knows I am not the same person I was many months back. No matter how many times I promise myself that I won’t yell or scold him again, I ended up doing it even before that promise sinks in. Even though I apologized to him and hugged him after that, I felt that he doesn’t trust me anymore or that he is restraining himself from me.

My mother said it’s because I am not pious enough to have patience, that I don’t give in to God that much and therefore I feel all these negative emotions taking control over me. I don’t know, maybe she is right. Maybe I am short-tempered because I don’t pray when I am brimming with anger, maybe I don’t pray for patience, I don’t use the opportunity He gives me to practice patience, maybe I let my emotions take control so much that I forget to be a mother to Eros.

The thing is, I know why I get so easily irritated.

I can’t sleep at night, my feet hurt, I miss Mohen because he has been working his usual long hours, Eros still needs to be taken care of, the lunch and dinner still needs to be prepared, the laundry needs to be hung out, the house needs to be cleaned because Eros still makes a mess, I keep dropping things and it’s not easy to bend down to pick them up, I feel so fat and having difficulty to toss about in bed doesn’t make me feel better and on top of that I keep feeling like there’s this thing crawling underneath my skin that keeps making me feel as though something is trying to gnaw its way out but couldn’t. No matter how much I showered or changed into looser or more comfortable clothes, it just won’t go away.

I am not anxious about the birth or delivery. I know what to expect. I know how things are coming along for the preparation and what more needs to be done before the day comes because this has been planned when we first learnt we were pregnant. But I wasn’t prepared at all for this irritable feeling I am feeling every second. I hate that I am snappy and shouting so easily, I am annoyed at everyone that no matter what they say, I always have an inward retort.

Eros has not been eating well for these past few weeks. He lost his appetite so much so that he lost weight and developed coughing and flu. Whenever he coughs in his sleep, he will sometimes throw up because the phlegm is congesting his throat. I had to lug out of bed and clean it up. I know I can’t yell at him because it’s not his fault but I can’t help but feel why it has to happen now? Why does he need to stop eating this month? Why can’t it happen when I was able to move faster and rush to his room the moment I heard him cough so I can sit him up a bit and ease the phlegm away? Why does it have to happen now when it takes me about 5 minutes to get out of bed and hobble to his room only to find the bed was already messed up with vomit?

I realized that all these should’ve made me stronger. It should’ve teach me that it’s not easy to be a mother and it’s even tougher still to be a stay-at-home mother with a 3year-old-toddler. But I don’t feel stronger at all.

I feel weak, I feel helpless, I feel useless, no matter what I do, everything seems to disagree with me and most of all I feel guilty for not behaving the right way to Eros. He knows I am different but he doesn’t really know why. He knows I have something going on because he knows The Tummy but he doesn’t understand why that should changed me. I never expected him to know and yet I still yell at him for being himself.

I don’t want Sophia to be here earlier than she should but I can’t wait for this pregnancy to be over just so that I can do things the way I did them before. I know that probably with Sophia, more challenges will come when it comes to me handling 2 live babies at the same time and I don’t even dare to begin to imagine how I will juggle with that next.

It took me about 2 years to get used to Eros and finally learning what it takes to manage his quirks and habits. I don’t want to be irritable and snappy for another 2 years now with Sophia is around and with the need to teach Eros how to handle his sister’s arrival. I know this must be what parents of more than 1 child go through but I don’t want to be an ugly person for the most beautiful beings in the world.

I really, really thought I am a much stronger person than this.

I just hope that I am not wrong and it really is the pregnancy hormones and physical changes limitation that are effecting me.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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