Posted in Motherhood

This Might Be Why

I think by now a lot of people know that I love to read. I mean, it’s one of the things that people notice about me. So naturally when I got pregnant and going through a phase as important as pregnancy, I read up on as much as I can. One of the books that has become my bible is the timeless What To Expect When You’re Expecting. My mom read it when she was carrying me, I read it when I was carrying Eros and I’ve told all my expecting friends to get this book and so far none has not send me a thank you note for introducing the great book to them.

So when I started feeling different, depressed or moody, I always read up on why these changes are happening to me. I can know that there is something different with me because I’ve always been attuned to my body and the way I feel. By reading up on them, I simply put a name to my condition so I know what I’m going through.

When I was carrying Eros, I didn’t have much pregnancy maladies except for occasional weepy episodes during the first trimester when my body was getting used to having a baby growing inside it. I was not moody but I sure was emotional over every little thing. I cried over someone voted out on American Idol, I cried reading a touching excerpt someone posted on the Internet, I cried when Mohen didn’t call me during his usual break time, I cried when he doesn’t talk to me before he goes to bed, I cried because he was talking to me because I felt so annoyed with voices – I cried over everything.

Me pregnant at 32weeks and 3days with my first.

But as soon as the first trimester was over, I was the epitome of beautiful pregnancy. I enjoyed every single bit of being pregnant with my first baby. Despite gaining so much weight, I felt every bit sexy and beautiful. I love how my skin was glowing and how glossy my hair is.

I thought if this is how great pregnancy is, I wouldn’t mind doing it at all! I was, of course, rather apprehensive when we knew we were pregnant but I thought if I don’t do it now, I would have to do it 5 years down the road. And during my first pregnancy, I was glad that I decide to stay pregnant.

At the time I was about to deliver Eros, I was 245lbs (98kg), which means I gained about 95lbs (38kg) throughout the 9months. I know it was way too much but my appetite was blooming when I was carrying Eros and I ate nothing but dairy, sandwiches, fresh cut fruits, yogurts, ice creams, muesli bars and fruit juices.

Even with my body as large as a Hindenburg I wasn’t feeling fat at all. I felt

36weeks pregnant. Minutes before going into operation room.

fabulous. I felt how I feel pregnant moms supposed to be, what more with me being a first-time mother. Sure people thought I gained a tremendous amount of weight but mostly put it on me being pregnant so I don’t feel anything wrong with it either.

After all the fuss of delivering and welcoming a newborn, I started telling myself that I need to lose weight. I need to seriously shed this pounds that I’ve gained so much during pregnancy.

It wasn’t hard for me because I really wanted to do it. So unlike my previous stints in dieting, I stuck to this routine and manage to slowly lose weight. It was great to see how I can finally fit into my old jeans again and feeling how the ones I bought right after delivery was starting to slip off my waist.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

One of the main reasons I wanted to lose all those weight was because I can literally feel how hard it was for me to move about swiftly. Especially when I have a baby to take care of. Although I didn’t drop to my old size overnight, it didn’t affect my confidence at all.

I was still very happy over being a new mom, having a great partner in taking care both me and our son and I still feel beautiful if not sexier.

The acme of my weight-loss regime was when I was able to bring down my weight lower than I was before I was pregnant with Eros. It has always been my proudest achievement when friends asked me how much weight I lost because it was so obvious I was much skinnier than I ever was.

I mean, ever since a little girl, I’ve always been that chubby one. Skinny and me is like water and oil. Everyone who knows me will describe me as “that bubbly and loud chubby girl” when they talk about me to others.

But not anymore. During my adult life (pre-pregnancy), the “lowest” weight I’ve ever been at was at 150lbs (60kg). After having my first baby, I was so into losing weight and enjoyed seeing my body getting smaller, I managed to bring myself to 140lbs (56kg).

Proud of my new figure!

Now being pregnant for the second time, I learnt the hard way that it wasn’t as rainbows and butterflies as it was with my first one.

We were pregnant the second time after I’ve resigned from my job. I decided it was about time I focus on my family’s well-being and Eros’ development as I was doing 17hours daily at the office and hardly get to be with my son except on weekends. I think we conceived Sophia about 4 months after I’ve resigned and since I’m at home and Mohen is doing pretty well, we decided to keep the baby.

I was excited to feel all glowing and beautiful again after almost 3 years not being pregnant. What I wasn’t prepared for, or even thought of was that when I was pregnant with Eros, there wasn’t any other child to take care of, there wasn’t much laundry to be done, there wasn’t much meals need to be prepared, there wasn’t any spilled milk to clean up or breadcrumbs to dust.

Sadly, with this second pregnancy, I am feeling anything but pretty.

To be honest, I feel fat, ugly, unattractive and sometimes I think I smell.

I don’t know if it’s the feeling of now being domesticated at home has left me feeling as such but the sunshine and happiness of pregnancy that was so abundant in my first one was sure absent with this second one. I mean, sure there were times when I feel absolutely great and to some extent pretty but it wasn’t as often as I did with my first pregnancy.

I was really proud with how much weight I lost.

Most of the times I’m stressful and perhaps bordering on depression. I felt so alone, that I had to do everything on my own. Especially with Mohen at work, I felt like I had to be pregnant and take care of Eros as well. I know it’s not an onus job because every mother of a second child does it so I know I wouldn’t die doing it. There was once or twice in which I thought I felt suicidal but of course I brushed the thought off immediately because I couldn’t possibly imagine leaving Eros behind just because I was depressed.

It’s all probably hormonal imbalance, especially with so many things to do at home while I’m pregnant and me feeling unattractive. And I think the reason why I feel unattractive is that I don’t go out as much as I did when I was working, there is not much need for me to do my hair up all the time and wear make up from morning to night.

Although I do dress up sometimes just to make me feel pretty and look good when Mohen comes home, I don’t need to be doing it everyday. I just make sure that I always look presentable, clean and smell good when he’s home. Other than that all my power suits and mini skirts and satin blouses are just hanging there in the closet.

You may think it’s shallow for me to feel this way but as a woman, especially one that gained so much weight and then managed to lose it into a figure that she wanted and was happy with and then gained weight again no matter what the reason is, I feel it’s a big enough reason for me to feel depressed. Sure I’m aware of all the bodily changes in the third trimester but somehow I felt like I wasn’t quite satisfied having a figure I worked hard for long enough before I was pregnant again.

I don't feel attractive at all with this second pregnancy. And I think it shows on my face how I feel.

Most of the times I’m just sad that my body changed so much so rapidly when it took me long to lose all the weight I’ve gain in my first pregnancy. Perhaps it teaches me now not to gain so much weight when pregnant but I can’t help how much I put on. Although I can control what I eat but I’ve always love to eat and I love to eat more when I’m pregnant. Sigh..

I’m not in anyway regretting being pregnant but I wished it didn’t bug me so much about gaining weight again. My mom feels I’m superficial for letting such trivial thing to bug me and cause me all these frustration but I can’t say that I can be as indifferent to it as she can. Her argument is always that I should be grateful that at least I’m pregnant where there’s a lot of people who wants to be pregnant but can’t. I know this but to hear it and feel as low as I am, it just makes me feel worse.

I’m annoyed that I get more stretchmarks now than I did before, I’m frustrated that my hair isn’t as glossy as it was when I was pregnant the first time.

I know I have a chance to lose weight again after this but you can’t blame me for thinking that these might be why I’m so easily frustrated and feeling depressed with this pregnancy.

Then again, maybe my mom is right. I shouldn’t let such thing bother me so much and concentrate on the baby instead.

I shall get back in shape soon enough!
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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

One thought on “This Might Be Why

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