To be honest I don’t know if I’m writing this to you for you or because I needed to talk to myself.
Sometimes it feels better talking to yourself as though from a different person’s point of view. Although it’s probably not a good idea to tell your friends that your mommy talks to herself sometimes.
I don’t really know what I want to tell you but I feel that you would understand me so much more. Maybe because you’re a girl too, or maybe because you’re my daughter or maybe because I simply believe you would understand me.
I’m going through a very rough phase at the moment in my life.
And all I can think of is how I don’t want you to feel the way I’m feeling right now. Even though it makes me cry every night and each time I think about it, which is all the time so technically I’m crying all the time, I cry harder thinking that you might one day feel how I’m feeling.
I know I can’t stop you from making your own mistakes.
As a matter of fact, I would prefer if you make them because you would know how much pain your heart can take and how people can really hurt you if they want to. But then again, at the same time, I wouldn’t want you to feel that kind of pain because I think, not only you as my daughter, but any girl shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel.
As much as I don’t want to admit it, the things that I went through made me who I am today. Sure I wished some of the things didn’t happen but when in retrospect, I’m glad they happened. I can’t put a stop to my life and neither can I put a stop to yours and what you would feel when you grow older.
Your father and I didn’t plan to have a second child but when you happened, we were excited to know that we’re going to have a little girl. And I thank God that I’m blessed with a daughter for without even you knowing it, you changed so much of my life from today onward.
I want to protect you from the men that are going to hurt you. I want to shield you from the pain you will feel when you got your heart broken for the first time. I want to hear your story when you told me about the first heart you broke. I want to be there for you, for all time.
I want to be there for you because I know how much it hurts to go through the pain alone. I don’t ever want you to feel like you don’t have someone to talk to or no one can understand you. Maybe I can’t truly understand you but it means so much for us when someone is there to just listen.
The world is beautiful as it is painful. It’s silly, I know but that’s how it is. I can’t wait for you to see the world so you can taste the sweetness of falling in love, the bitterness when you’re missing him (or her), the pain of heartache, the joy of laughing with someone you love – everything.
But I am so scared of the pain and hurt the world can cause you.
I realized there is nothing I can do to stop them from knocking on your doors and there is no spell to rid of them from you.
I just want you to know that no matter what you choose to do, or who you choose to be, I will always be here to listen to you even though I may not always agree with you.
Because I love you. And that’s what you do when you love someone.
Grow up strong, grow up wise, Sophia. Make the mistakes I made but keep your chin up and remember I’m always around.