I try to be a good mother.
Motherhood is something I believe should come naturally to all women, whether you want to have a baby or not.
But it’s not. It’s an art that you have to learn, it’s a mystery you have to unravel and it’s a lifetime lesson that needs fine tuning every now and then. It’s ironic I know, because I think almost everyone would think that every women should know how to be a mother because isn’t that a woman’s job since the beginning of time?
When you have a baby for the second time, it should get easier with parenting. Yeah, it should. But it’s not necessarily true at all time. Sometimes maybe it’s harder, especially if your baby is born with a different condition than your first.
I was lucky that it is easier for me. Although my second baby is fussier than my first – she wants to be held more, she wants to cuddle after she nursed, she will wake up at the slightest noise; but I was more prepared this time around to handle a baby than I was the first time.
I don’t know why I’m writing this but I guess I want to share how I really feel about being a mother and even though I look happy being one on the outside, it’s always a struggle on the inside for me to appear the way I do to my friends. Some of them even see me as a new mother figure they look up too and respect. As much as this is very flattering, it also gives me a sense of guilt because I feel I’m not being honest with them about how motherhood really was and is for me.
Truth is, most of the times I don’t know why I want to be a mother.
I’d like to think that I’m now prepared to have a family and raise kids but by having doubts, though occasional; why I want to be a mother, I’m afraid that maybe there’s still this one part of me, deep inside, that I’m not really ready. I find myself thinking about the things I can do if I don’t have a baby, the money Mohen and I would have to spend if we don’t have to save for the children, I wish Mohen and I can still go out just the two of us. See, I don’t wish to do things a single person does, like go out on a girls’ night out or hit the latest club in town, I just want to spend time with Mohen.
It makes me think whether it is really the stress of motherhood that makes me feel this way or it’s just that I need more time with Mohen and still can be a mother just the same. Most of the time I suspect it’s the latter but sometimes I can’t help but wonder.
Sometimes when I change my baby or give my son a bath, I don’t find joy in them. I find those things to be chores and not something that I willingly do. Sure there are times when I’m excited to feed Eros, breastfeed Sophia and play with them and these are the good days, when I’m all up in the mood but when the days that I feel down or not up for it, I get tensed and snapped at everything. I know in my heart that it’s none of my kids’ fault and it’s mine, because I can’t manage my feelings better.
I had post-partum depression and although I feel like it has completely gone away, I can’t help but wonder if some of the brooding dark feelings still lurks about, waiting for a second chance to bloom into the malicious depression that it was 3 years ago. Each time I had a negative thought, I push them away, thinking how I was when I had PPD and determined not to be at that place again. Most of the times it worked because I believe I’m better at identifying my feelings but I’m just scared if it might take hold of me again.
When I imagine my life without my kids, I would be thinking about the things I can do. But then this overwhelming feeling would just rush in and I started crying because truthfully, I don’t know how I’d do without them now. As much as I want time for myself and daydream about the things I did before, I realized that they are so apart of me now that if they’re not around, my life wouldn’t make sense anymore. Obviously I can’t get rid of my children now now that they’re in this world but I imagine if I were to leave them and make a life of my own, I know my life will be meaningless.
Sure I can do all the things I want, go places I want to see, date people and all that but I will always have this dark cloud following me that says I abandon my children just to do this?
I don’t know… Maybe it’s because my children are still young and they need 150% attention right now. Maybe when they’re older and much more independent I would be able to do the things I want again. It’s just a matter of time and me having a lot of patience.
I know I love my kids because I’m always finding for ways to be a better mom, find out as much information about parenting, children’s nutrition and all that. I think if I don’t give two hoots about my children, I wouldn’t bother trying to be a good mother.
It’s just sometimes… It’s so hard and all I want is to do cry and not feel guilty for feeling this way towards my children.