Posted in Children, Motherhood, Parenting

So This Is What It’s Like

I can’t believe how tied up I’ve been ever since my daughter was born.

When I had her for the first few weeks, I thought I was able to cope after all because she wasn’t as demanding as how I thought newborn would be. But now, as she grows older (Sophia is 3 and a half months now), she is becoming more active. She spend less time sleeping and she’s nursed on demand and well, she is demanding all right.

There was once where I had to spend 4 hours straight feeding her. I’m not sure if she can’t get full on breast milk, or she just likes to cling or what. All I know is each time I try to break her off, she would wail and would only stop crying when I take her to my breast again. Even a dummy wouldn’t work.

Although breastfeeding does get easier and not painful anymore like it was the first few weeks after I had her, it’s tiring me more now than it ever did. Sometimes I feel so guilty because I couldn’t really pay attention to my toddler son. I can see that he wants my attention again. I’m thankful the sibling rivalry is not so apparent now but there were times I had to let Mohen handle our son while I nurse Sophia.

The only thing that I can applaud myself for is how well I can juggle between housework, cooking, looking after Eros while my daughter sleeps and squeeze in a little writing. After all this years, I’ve finally have a publisher that agrees to publish my book. This means that I need to spend any spare time on writing so I would complete my manuscript on time. But I feel that it happened at the most inopportune time.

When I had all the time in the world to write, there wasn’t a single publisher that’s interested. Now that I have 2 kids and more work on my hands, I need to write the book. Of course I try my level best to get some writing done but it’s such a working progress at a minimal pace that I get frustrated.

Sometimes I get so tired at the end of the day (which is usually the only time I get to sit down and write) I can only get 3 paragraphs out. My eyelids feel like lead hanging from them and still I push on. I want to push on because I want to feel that whenever my book is done, I know how hard I worked for it and how hard I tried to complete it so it will be something I’m really proud of.

But most of the times I get so tired that I feel like I want to stop writing and continue when I’m truly back on my feet again. But then I also know that if I were to do this, then when “I’m back on my feet”, I would probably lost so much momentum, I would’ve to start all over again and wouldn’t that be worse?

On the good side, I didn’t feel as stressed out as I did having a new baby the way I was when I first had Eros. I’m more cautious now with how I feel because I know where it can lead me, I’m more patient now because I understand my kids and their behavior better, and I’m more calmed now in handling whatever challenges thrown at me. Or at least for these past few months.

I know that it gets easier as my kids grow because they will less demanding and more independent than they are now but sometimes I feel like that time is so far into the future I’m afraid I might break down before I can even get close.

It’s good that I get to write here again. It’s been so long that I don’t know how I’m going to continue blogging the way I used to.

But like everything else I’ve face, I’m sure I’m going to get through this just fine.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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