Today has not been a good day. At all.
I don’t know if you’ve tried it but sometimes, trying to stay and be positive all day everyday can be pretty darn exhausting. And I think it’s extra exhausting when you’re a mother.
Maybe it’s because I expect everything to be under my control. Maybe I expected that I should know how to handle things. Maybe because I just feel better when I know certain things run the way I planned them.
But then again maybe because I’m just really tired and mentally drained now having taken care of my sick kids for one week straight.
Both of them had the bug that is going on around my area for weeks.
My eldest son has the stomach flu bug where he lost his appetite for everything and will only take his formula or a few slices of toast. My daughter has congested nose and can’t breathe properly when she’s sleeping so she’s always waking up during the night.
Then the fever hit my son.
Staying up all night for several days in a row to sponge bath him every hour so the fever will break has really made me a bitter and snappy person during the day. On top of that, him refusing to eat anything or rejecting his medication just made my temper worse. I know he is not eating because he’s lost his appetite due to that flu but when he doesn’t even want to take him medication, it just made me angry because I know it’ll slow down his recovery.
I know I shouldn’t be angry and it wasn’t as if my son was doing it on purpose but I’ve been so exhausted and worn out that I just can’t help but snap at him. It was at least a good thing that my daughter doesn’t have the fever because otherwise I would probably really lost it.
It isn’t fair for them, I know because they count on me to take care of them.
And each time I get angry or snappy and started to yell, I feel like I’ve let them down. I can’t imagine how tough it must be for parents who have kids with serious illnesses or terminal diseases.
How hard it must be for them, how frustrating to see your kids sick that way and how helpless you feel for not being able to make them better as soon as you want them to be.
Probably it sounds selfish for you because it sounded as though I wanted my kids to get better just so I will have less work and less worry. But it’s not.
It’s about me hating myself when I’m not the “positive mom” that I should be. I know I’m only human who is allowed to have an off day sometimes but I feel like I shouldn’t. Especially when my kids are sick.
For me, I feel like I get really tested as a person and know my worth as a parent when my kids are sick. They really teach me what being a mother is all about.
Sure you can be all cuddly and loving and supportive and spend long hours with your kids during playtime and all. But you’ll know your limit and beyond as a parent when your kids are sick and you had to be with them all the time.
It’s not easy when you have to do it all on your own.
I know I have Mohen with me but most of the time, he’s either away because of work or he’ll be busy with something else, leaving everything to me. He pitches in some time but it isn’t always enough and isn’t always the full support and help that I need. I will not even talk about how many fights and talking over we’ve had over this issue here because I know I can rant about that for hours.
I guess I just hate being tired.
I know I need to allow myself to be and feel tired and worn out but I just can’t. I know I need to recognize my limit and work with my strength so I won’t burn out like this again but I just have that desire to be that perfect, positive mother I imagine to be.
Or maybe I just really need a break after working as full time mommy for 3 years.