Damien Emil Mohen was born on November 28th, 2012.
That’s just 17 days after my daughter turned 1. That’s just another 2 months and 26 days before my eldest son turns 4. That’s just another 6 months and 19 days before Mohen and I are together for 5 years.
To say that I wasn’t apprehensive the day before Damien was born is to lie through my teeth.
Sure I was super excited throughout the whole 9 months. In fact, I didn’t know why I was so excited with this birth compared to my first two. Well, I did know why partially, at least.
I didn’t fully breastfeed with my first two children and it was a something that I regretted even until today, even when I have another baby to compensate for not breastfeeding earlier.
With Eros, I didn’t try hard enough. He wasn’t the type of baby who knew how to latch on immediately after birth. While with Sophia, even though her latch was perfect, she got hungrier than what my breastmilk could provide. So when we started supplementing her with formula, she developed a taste more towards the creamier (and obviously sweeter) milk compared to my own.
Damien so far has not been on a single drop of formula ever since he was born.
Although my breasts look and feel and weight like watermelons, I am completely resolved to breastfeed him for as long as I can. Last night Damien slept longer than usual and my breasts feel like they were going to explode because the milk wasn’t drained. When he woke up and nursed, I was crying as though someone was sawing my feet alive. And the thought of asking Mohen to go and get formula crossed my mind.
But when I thought of the regret that I still carry from Eros and Sophia and how terrible it made me feel for not breastfeeding them, I managed to push the thought away and continue to nurse Damien even though I have never cried as hard as I did last night.
I guess this time around, many things are simpler for me. Well, maybe not simpler. But perhaps I’m able to tell myself to bite my tongue and get on with it.
Like doing the housework and taking care of Eros and Sophia while Damien sleeps.
I managed to muster my strength and bathe Sophia on the third day home from the hospital. I’m still unable to carry her since I had a cesarean for Damien, but it was great to be able to bond with her again after having gone a week being at the hospital.
Sure I haven’t started cooking or cleaning the house and all that yet but to be able to do the laundry and put them away after I breastfeed Damien and while Sophia plays with her toys and while Eros watches TV feels like a huge accomplishment for me at this point.
As scared as I am still to go through my days with 3 children, I’m glad I feel good about doing this.
At least I know I won’t buckle that easily.