Posted in Motherhood, Parenting

I Thought I Was

It’s day 14 today.

I don’t feel any better about breastfeeding. I think there might be something wrong with my milk supply. I remembered distinctly when I was breastfeeding Sophia past year that my supply was a lot more than what it is right now for Damien. I have a feeling I have a low milk supply.

I remembered the time when Sophia was sleeping, my milk would “restock” itself and when I tried to squeeze it out, it would sometimes came out in spurts. This time around, when I squeeze my breasts, only a slow trickle will flow. I am so afraid because I really want to breastfeed Damien and I do not want to resort to formula just so he’ll have enough to eat.

I don’t even have much milk letdown this time. If I were to nurse Damien on one breast, I will only have a small amount of letdown on the other breast. I used to soak my nursing pad the last time I nursed Sophia.

I have no idea why this time around my milk supply is low. It seems to be so much when my milk came in last week and I was happy because I thought I’m the type blessed with abundant milk supply, the way I was with Eros and Sophia.

My mother said because I’m worried about my family and how Mohen needs to cope with all the family financial. Of course I can’t help but worry. I can’t make myself not to think about it. I know how hard it is for him to make ends meet so I can’t stop thinking about our situation. As much as I try to put the thought away while I breastfeed, it’s still hard to pretend like nothing is wrong.

I’ve been trying to correctly latch Damien for days. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I think I’ve read and seen videos on correct latch like a million times but still I can’t get him to properly suckle on my breasts. Instead I can feel him gumming my nipples and it’s so painful when he starts to nurse that sometimes I’m terrified when he’s awake for a feed.

My friends all tell me that both of us are learning and I shouldn’t beat myself up too hard over it.

But I can’t help but want to get it right because one, it’s mighty painful when he nurses and second, I feel like a complete failure for not being able to get it right even after 2 weeks and third, each time it hurts during nursing, I entertain the thought of feeding him with formula (yes, as much as I am resolved to not offer him any).

And it’s been two days now I feel pain on my cesarean incision.

It’s just at the beginning of the incision where there’s like a knot or something but it’s burning and feels like little electric shock pulses whenever I move in the wrong direction. I have to make sure that I press the spot and move in a right angle so the pain won’t send me reeling back onto bed.

I know the incision is not ripped or open because it’s absolutely clean and there’s no weird stuff coming out of it but I hate the pain because it limits my movement so much.

The thing is, I know I need to rest but with a 4 year old toddler and a 1 year old who is still in diapers, it’s hard to get as much rest as I needed.

I still have to look after them when my mom is occupied with something and sometimes I need bathe them and change Sophia’s diapers. I know that I’m not supposed to lift anything heavier than my newborn but it’s just crazy not to look after them when there’s no one else to help you.

I knew I was very apprehensive when we conceived Damien because I was afraid that I might not be able to cope.

I know that I can do this once the pain is over and my cesarean scar heals or when Damien finally knows how to latch.

But until then, I feel like a total failure.



A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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