Posted in Motherhood, Parenting, Relationship

Ugly Me

I seriously can’t believe how crazy things are now that I’m doing everything on my own.

Even now, when all 3 of my kids are taking their afternoon nap, I feel like I’m hyperventilating because I’m afraid they might wake up sooner than I expected and then I will lose the chance of having some time for myself to finally write or even do anything for me for that matter.

I’m starting to think that I’m not cut out for this. I know there’s a lot of mothers who are able to do this day in day out and I thought I was able too but now that I think about it, I seriously have doubts about myself.

Most of the times I feel like screaming. I feel like I don’t have any control anymore. My house is a mess. I’m not dumb enough to keep it tidy when Eros and Sophia are awake because they’re just going to thrash the place again. But by the time they’re asleep and I was finally able to put Damien to sleep, I am so tired that all I could was cry because I literally feel that all control that I had over my house, all control I had over my schedule and housework, is just slipping through my fingers.

And it has made me into such an ugly person.

I would yell, I would lose my patience, I’m on the verge of spanking my kids, I’m just about ready to put my head through a wall or jump off a building. Most of all, I hate the person I’ve become ever since I became a mother of 3. And I hate that. Because I know I should not be this way, I know this is not me. I know that I should be able to handle a lot more if I want to be a mother of 3.

And because of that, I feel like I’m not able to this at all after all.

Damien has trouble sleeping. Or more like he has start to spend more time waking than he does sleeping. This puts me in a crazy situation because when he doesn’t sleep, he wants to be carried. He hates the baby carrier, he hates babywearing, he hates the cradle – nothing works for him. Except if I hold him in my arms. When I’m holding him in my arms, that obviously leaves me with only one free arm. And it’s with this arm I need to prepare snack for Eros and Sophia, to change her diaper, to bring him to the toilet, to put away the toys they left in the hallway, to put the laundry in the machine.

I literally felt spent. I know it sounds like all I do is complain because hey, if other women can do it, why not me?

It’s so overwhelming and sometimes I don’t know where to start to establish a routine so that we all fall into that schedule again so that I will have time to manage everything again. I don’t really entirely mind if I don’t have time for myself because it has been 3 years since I last did anything for myself and plus, I’m not that desperate to have an out for myself. Yet.

I just want to have time to do everything I need to do with my kids and home.

I know that Damien is just 7 weeks old. He barely knows himself so I can’t expect him to have a routine yet. I know Eros wants attention now that he has to share it with his two younger sister and brother. I know Sophia is just turning one and everything and anything is exciting and new for her and I don’t want to stunt that.

But sometimes I wish my kids would just keep quiet so that I can finish one thing before they start to fight or spit or cry or puke or fall or climb or slip again.

However, I am very lucky to have Mohen because he has been nothing but understanding and supporting.

I know most of my friends whose husbands or partners won’t even bat an eyelid if their child is crying while she cooks in the kitchen. I know most husbands or partners will choose not to have any part in taking care of their child at all. All they know is the food is on the table if it’s lunchtime, or that the clothes are all dried out and ironed before they go to work on Monday.

Mohen helps me bathe Eros and Sophia, change their diapers, feed them their meals, took them out to the park when they’re getting too restless, and even help me to feed Damien when I needed a shower because believe it or not, I once went 2 days without a shower ever since this whole 3 kids things began. He helps me to mop the floor and scrub the bathroom and that is more than I would ever expect from him and it has helped me tremendously.

Yesterday, I was nursing Damien in the living room. Sophia was trying to climb onto the TV cabinet to get to the remote I placed at the top shelf. Eros was jumping up and down on the couch and I kept telling them to stop. I didn’t shout because I promised myself that I won’t but I guess I was starting to lose it. Mohen was in the kitchen, putting his coffee mug away and I guess he heard me telling the kids a few time because he came in front quickly. I kept quiet because I know he’s going to get the kids to stop doing what they were doing. But instead he came to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead and he hugged me.

And I just cried. Because I feel that everything is crushing me and I can’t handle it any longer.

He said it was okay and said it was the phase where Eros and Sophia will do exactly everything I tell them not to. He said I need to relax and try to see that it’s okay to lose control sometimes. That I need to breathe more and let things happen.

I’m lucky to have someone like Mohen who not only understands and supports me, but someone who sees my flaws as part of my perfection in being a mother and most importantly, someone who sees me as just a human.

All I have to do now, is tell myself the same thing.

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

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