I’ve been so tied up with so many things like you wouldn’t believe.
Okay, perhaps that was stretching the truth a little. Or perhaps not.
But what I know is one thing and it is this – There was more than once where I thought I didn’t sign up for this to have gone through this every.single.day.
I know that nobody really sign up for parenthood, unless the ones who really want to be parents and have kids. I’m not saying that I regret having kids because they literally are the best thing that happened to me. But for someone who never really wanted to be in a relationship let alone a serious one with kids at that, I sometimes feel like I’m not cut out for it.
Maybe it’s just my preconceived notion of me being a bad mother, or maybe it’s just me looking for an easy way out to explain my incompetence as a parent.
What I know is also, I feel suffocated almost all the time. It’s been 3 months since we’re home and everything sometimes run smooth but most of the time they don’t. Mohen kept telling me that it doesn’t last forever and I know he’s right. And for the millionth time he kept assuring me that I’m doing a great job otherwise our kids will be sick or starving or anything worse than that.
But I constantly feel that I need to do more. That I need to be better.
I wake up every morning with the determination not to scold or yell or lose my temper but 3 hours into the job, already I’m screaming at something.
Damien is very attached to me.
He will comfort nurse most of the time. And if I were to unlatch him before he’s done, he’ll throw a tantrum and almost as though he resets his clock back to 00:00 and I’m stuck to nursing him for another 2 hours. All the while I’m nursing him, I kept running in my mind the list of things that I could’ve done if he wasn’t nursing this long.
Because of this also, Eros and Sophia are taking the brunt of my resentment.
I felt like I’ve paid less attention to them now. I feel that I kept scolding them for being kids because I have no control over the house anymore. Everything is in a mess and nothing gets done. By the time everyone is really sleeping for the day, it’d be midnight and when I’m done with all the housework, it’s almost 2am. And then Damien wakes up again for nursing. I’m fine with him waking up at 3am onward because I get to sleep while breastfeeding him. But I knew that if he hadn’t nursed so much in the afternoon, I could’ve gone to bed much earlier.
I do not resent breastfeeding. I’m loving it because now it has come easy and naturally, unlike our first 3 weeks after Damien was born. But I just really wish that he would give up comfort nursing. I tried giving him a dummy but he hates it. He would prefer me as a binky to fall asleep. I mean, I know I’m his mother but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t use me as a pacifier as much.
And I feel crappy for feeling such way.
I mean, I am his mother, for God’s sake right? I need to be there for him at all times, I need to love and care for him the way he needs me, I need to attend to his every need until he is old enough to be more independent than he is now.
But I also need to look after Eros and Sophia who needs more attention and understand more about hurt and feeling deserted. And right now, I literally feel I am hurting and deserting them.
The only thing that kept me going is the thought and hope one day Damien will outgrow his attachment once he can roll over or sit up or crawl because he will have more things to explore than just being with me.
In the meantime, I would have to really learn to be a better parent and not be spiteful toward myself.
Because when I’m spiteful and resenting how I am handling the situation when I know I can and should do better, I lash it out on my kids.
And they deserve so much more than that.
Because I am their mother. And I did sign up for this when I decided to have them.