For the past few days, I thought I was really losing my touch in staying positive with what my kids throw at me.
I know that during the early stage of being a mother, I sucked at it. I didn’t want to have anything that has to do with motherhood. I know now that I’ve changed. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to stay sane with 3 kids.
I know in my heart that my kids are just being kids because what they are doing are just the things you would expect a toddler to do – smearing spaghetti sauce on the table, trying to chew crayon, pulling each other’s hair, screaming at the top of their lungs for no reason – basically the things that I’ve tuned myself to get used to.
I hate to admit that for the past few days, I’ve turned into such a “Screaming Mom” that I feel totally embarrassed with myself.
I know that it’s my fault that I lose control. I know that it’s my fault that I’m less tolerant of what they are doing. I know how damaging it is to scream at your child and every time I yell, this quote I once read started echoing at the back of my mind:
“The way we talk to our children will be their inner voice.”
Do I really want their conscious to resonate my screeching voice? Do I want the image of me screaming comes to their minds when they think of me? Of course not. Far from it.
But deep inside, I feel like I’m doing this all by myself.
I feel like I have to do every single thing by myself. From the moment I open my eyes, I have to start moving and doing all the work until the moment I finally lay down for bed again. There seems to be no rest, there seems to be no opportunity for me to sit and catch a breather without my kids calling for me again. It’s as though my kids are wired to know that whenever Mommy sits down to rest, that is the best time to start fighting or ask for another cookie when two seconds ago before Mommy sits down I already said no to more cookies.
For the first time, I felt like I have to take care of everyone. But no one is taking care of me.
I felt a pang of guilt because I know I’m supposed to give myself selflessly to my family. But I felt was it too much to ask if I have one moment to myself without anyone asking anything? I know I could get Mohen to take the kids out for a few hours just so I could take a nap or catch the CSI episode I miss or just even sit and do nothing.
But Mohen has been going through hell as well at his work and I feel like I don’t want to be a burden to him by asking him to take away the kids for a moment. I know they’re his kids too but I just can’t do that. And I feel both of our situations have put a strain on our relationship. We still laugh and talk like we always do but somehow, I can feel the tiredness and exhaustion simmering underneath.
I have enough riding on my shoulders without adding “Mommy Guilt” but I really do feel guilty for losing my temper at my kids. I know it’s not their fault at all and I know they just want my attention while still do their toddlers’ things.
For the first time, I can’t breathe.