Posted in Relationship

Of Love or Lust

I recently spoke to an old friend whom I have not seen for several years.

Our conversations fell into place easily enough, assuring me that we’re closer than we think because despite not seeing each other for a long time and for the occasional random comments on each other’s Facebook status, we’re still able to chat as though we’ve just seen each other last week.

We talked about my kids (for she is not married), her new job, my writing career (read: attempts) and many other usual desultory things people who have not seen each other for a while talk about. She seems to be doing well and she looks happy from what I can see. I know her enough before this to know she had had series of unpleasant life episodes. But I guess from the way she was talking and laughing, I guess she’s doing fine.

Then she dropped the bomb by asking me how should she come clean to her family about being a lesbian.

Now, if you have read my posts before, you know that I have absolutely nothing against homosexuality. If at all, I support gay rights just as I ardently support other causes I believe in.

What surprised me was that because I knew she was a straight.

But to be safe, I confirmed this with her because maybe, like many closet homosexuals, she pretended to be heterosexual just so she could fit into those around her.

She said that she was straight before, just as I knew her. But she decided to be a lesbian because she has had enough with men who always ended up cheating on her or treated her badly. I knew one of her ex boyfriends who used to hit her and I was the one who told her to walk away, which to my relief she did. But I also know that she had few other relationships after that boyfriend so it couldn’t be because of that guy she decided to be a lesbian.

I asked her why did she decide to be lesbian?

She said again she had enough of men who did nothing but treated her badly.

I told her that maybe she hasn’t found the right one yet. I mean, there are after all still a lot of men out there so it’s a bit early to rule out all of them.

She nodded, agreeing to what I say. But she said she couldn’t bear to take risk anymore by going out with men again.

Then I told her that women could easily cheat on her too. Because for me, who a person is, is genderless. They cheat because they want to. Not because they’re men or women. Switching to women just because most men she was with ended up cheating on her doesn’t seem like a good enough excuse for me to turn homosexual.

I explained to her that homosexuality is not about what happens or what has happened in a relationship.

A person is a homosexual because they know it in their hearts that they are not meant to love a person of a different sex. They know they don’t get attracted to someone of the opposite sex and they feel secure and comfortable with someone from their own sex just the same way heterosexuals find comfort and love.

I told her that you don’t turn lesbian because you’re tired of c***s. If she’s afraid that her men might stick it in someone else instead of her, get a dildo. It wouldn’t cheat on her.

You would probably expected her to slap me but thank goodness she knows me enough to know that I always tell the truth this way. So she laughed real hard but I could see the hint of tears in her eyes so I know this is also hard on her.

For me, she was nursing a broken heart. She thought she could take a break from men by being with women. I made no judgement on that because everyone heals differently. If she feels she could heal by being with a woman, by all means, she should do it.

But I don’t agree for her to say that she has turned into a lesbian.

It doesn’t take 5 bad relationships with men to turn a woman into a lesbian.

Okay, maybe it does. Heck, maybe it takes just even 1 bad relationship to convince a woman enough to never trust or love men again.

But somehow, I can’t get my head around the idea of “turning into a homosexual”.

I always believed it’s something you’re born into. Some of my homosexual friends said they know they’re different the moment they can think and/or remember. So when someone told me they have suddenly decided to be a homosexual, I get a little reserved. Of course I can’t make any judgement on that because maybe I have never had any bad relationships to convince me enough that men are just useless and decide to turn into a lesbian.

Most of my friends who “turned into a homosexual” are rather promiscuous. Please note that this is strictly from my observation. It may or may not have anything to do with it but it seems to me that they might be basing their relationship on lust. Because the ones whom I know are originally homosexual, for lack of a better word, are most of the times rather conventional. They may have one or two past relationships, but each relationship tend to last for several years. And the ones who just turned homosexuals, tend to have many brief relationships.

I’m not saying this as a general rule but I do believe in the balance of probabilities. But if I’m absolutely proven wrong, then I’m truly sorry.

I told my friend to do what she feels is right. I said that her instinct on who to love, a man or a woman, can and will not be suppressed. So I said that maybe, even if she is in a relationship with a woman, she will feel that something is amiss (and I’m not talking about something anatomical here) in the long run. But if ever she didn’t feel that way, then perhaps, her homosexuality is genuine.

She seemed conflicted after that. I wouldn’t want to be the one changing her mind because she is after all in a relationship with another woman. And that woman is treating her kindly. So if she found out that I told my friend to rethink her decision as a lesbian, I would probably be seen as a home wrecker. I told her to just trust her instincts.

I never had any experience the way my friend has. Although I can easily get attracted to beautiful girls, I know that is just my lust talking and not my heart. I know it in my heart that I love male and I don’t think I could love a woman the same way that I love men.

But then again, who am I to know that?

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Author:

A feminist mother of 3 who thinks she can write.

2 thoughts on “Of Love or Lust

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