I’ve been feeling extremely angry for the past few days.
I blame the heat because it has been seriously hot and humid where I am and I don’t function well in heat. I don’t. At all. I get irritated easily, I get pissed of at almost anything and everything.
But deep down, I know that it’s not really the heat. I mean, it helped to make things worse, that’s for sure. But it wasn’t entirely its fault.
It’s just that for the past few weeks I’ve been feeling like the lousiest mom on Earth. I’ve been yelling a lot, I’ve been really short with Mohen, and what I hated the most was, I even woke up feeling angry. Yeah, that was the first thing that I felt the moment I open my eyes. Then the whole day just went from bad to worse in like matters of seconds.
Of course my kids were at the ugly end. I can see it in their eyes and faces that they have no idea why am I yelling. I even felt that they distanced themselves from me.
It sucks. It feels like the worst kind of punishment I could ever face. And if it couldn’t get any worse, I felt like it was my fault. And I know it is.
I’ve been working so hard to make ends meet because most of the times we don’t even have two pennies to rub together. So my work has taken my attention away from my kids because I had to take in as much work as I can so that we’ll have enough to buy food and pay for bills at the end of the month. The suckiest part is, I hate the feeling of having to work while my kids are left to entertain themselves. I couldn’t even catch a break with my deadlines being really close between projects what more to sit down and play with my kids.
I read somewhere that you should always choose your time with your kids because there will always be time for work.
But if I do that, I would end up doing my work when the kids are asleep and I will only go to bed around 5am and by 8am, they’re awake. I guess that is why I’ve been waking up feeling really, really angry. It’s not about me being angry that I don’t have enough sleep; I’m just angry because of the situation I’m in and I literally feel like I have to do everything and there’s not enough of me to go around.
I try not to yell at my kids most of the time, but sometimes, I just can’t help but lose it. And obviously I feel like the lousiest and most useless mom on Earth. I know I’m not the only one running a home on my own, but sometimes I feel how can other moms do it.
Most days, I feel like just curling under my covers and shut my eyes real tight and pretend I don’t have to get up and cook or clean or do my work. How can I do that? My kids don’t feed themselves. And once I decided to just sleep in, I heard my kids in the kitchen trying to get some cereal because it’s almost noon and they were hungry. At that very moment, everything in my just crumbled. I cried and cried I felt like stabbing myself. They don’t have to be pushed to that extent just because I’m the hopeless one.
Most of the time, I’m okay.
I can push on and get through the days without thinking how I feel. But sometimes, because I’ve been bottling it up for weeks, I just lose it.
It feels selfish for me to say this because I feel like I shouldn’t. But sometimes, I have been taking care of everyone I feel like no one is taking care of me.