My mother always say that I don’t want to take care of my own son.
It’s not that I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like it has become more of a duty to me rather than something that I want to enjoy.
I thought that when I have a baby, I want to be able to enjoy the moment that I am going through while taking care of him. But now I feel as though I am forced to take care of him.
I know that the tension and the crazy crying is part of the experience but I didn’t know it was going to feel as sucky as this.
There were times that I feel like I can take the crying and there were times that I feel like I just want to pretend like I can’t hear anything and let Eros cries until he is tired. When I think about that, I feel like I shouldn’t be a mother because I would rather let my own son cries and cries than calm him.
The feelings that I am feeling are so wrong as mother but why aren’t allowed to have that feeling? Why do my mother has to make it sound so wrong each time I want to have time for myself. Just because she didn’t get to have her own time when she brought us up, it doesn’t mean I have to be like that too.
I feel like everyone is making me feel guilty for wanting to be alone and do what I want to do. I know now that I am a mother, my life has changed and it took more than one 360 degree turn and I can’t pretend like it hasn’t changed a bit.
My priorities have changed, the axis of where I stand has shifted, my parallel world now seemed so twisted and I don’t know which way I should be going because everywhere I turn, things seemed to be blocked and I don’t know if I should go that way.
Maybe I was being overly negative without actually affecting anything. Perhaps I should change by now. Do I still pretend like I am a person without a baby? Am I still pretending as though all of this isn’t happening?
I still feel like I am outside of myself, hovering over this person who is typing feverishly on the keyboard, just watching and wondering whether all of this is really happening because I certainly do feel like someone just watching the whole thing without really understanding what actually goes on.
Maybe I am pretending to pretend so that I won’t have to face reality although I know how real and close it is. Maybe I am trying to act as if things were still like before because deep inside me, I wish things were like before when it was just me and Mohen and no one else in this world except the two of us.
I am not trying to say that I regretted Eros. I know that he is the best thing that ever happened to me after Mohen and I love him with all my heart and beyond. But I feel as though he doesn’t deserve me as his mother because I am not doing all that is expected of me and I don’t seem like I am trying hard enough to be that person.
Do I not want to be that person? Am I actually really afraid to be that person because I feel like if I do, I will lose this person that I knew as Jaja before?
It has been nearly 4 months and I am still as lost and confused and in denial as I was on the very first day that I delivered Eros.
For the first time, I am afraid of the real world.