I have no idea what to call this one.
It’s a Friday and I am alone at home. Besides having occasional contractions that I now find part of my day, I have been doing nothing else. Mohen is in Ipoh, Yam is out, Kakak would only be back tomorrow afternoon maybe and the rest of the family will return from Dungun the day after.
Being alone isn’t too bad. Of course unless you don’t mind being along. I guess I don’t mind that much but I could use a little company. Thank God for the little guy inside me kicking every half and hour to remind me that I am after all, not that alone.
I always get this feeling when it comes to the last week of December. It may be the fact that it’s the holidays where everyone go away to be with their family and the ones left behind felt as though the holidays aren’t something made in Heaven at all. Maybe it’s the month itself where you know that things are coming to an end, where a fresh new start will be in a few more days and why the heck this 5kg is still on me when I was supposed to lose it back in March or something?
So many things happened to me this year that I didn’t think it was my life at all.
I mean I’ve always known that my life isn’t one big Hollywood drama where tall tales are spun and occasional golden tinsel or a pot on ink spill on its white canvas, painting the year with every shade of color imaginable to men. But this year, a lot happened.
I can’t find a word to describe how I feel because at the moment, I am feeling a whole lot of things. I am the happiest, the saddest, the most down, the highest, the most colorful, the darkest, the brightest, the reddest, the most sweet smelling, the angriest, the crankiest, the one that smiles all the time – everything that I could think of, I was it this year.
And I know this is all because of what happened to me this year.
Last year I met someone that I don’t know I am going to spend the rest of my life with and this year I am having his baby and next year we are going to be parents. I figured out what living a life with someone that you love means, I figured out what I-can’t-live-without-you is all about, I learn to be someone who is another’s person’s confidante and pillar of strength, I felt what my mother feels when my father went away from home for a few nights, I taught myself to swallow what hurts the most so that a fight wouldn’t have to erupt, I found out feelings in my heart that I never thought existed.
And above all, this year, I learn to love. I know it sounds so crummy but that was what I actually learn this year. I could not have done this without Mohen and Eros. It’s the most the amazing thing that I ever learned in my life so far. I know that I thought I know how to love but these two men showed me so many things that I never knew and they taught me that I am as important to them as they are to me.
I don’t know what next year is going to bring. I mean, I never know before either but I used to have list of things that I want to do, places I want to go or see, people that I want to meet. I’ve always wanted to live the year gallantly or as flamboyantly as I could, encounter strange eccentric things, meet obscure people, do extraordinary things.
But next year, I am just going to open my heart and learn new things about it that I never thought I posses or could.