Maybe I Am Being Indifferent

I wouldn’t really say that things are different between us these days. But something is definitely going on.

I don’t know if it’s really me who is changing or I am being ignorant to the things that he is going through that it came across as though I can’t seem to understand a single thing that he is going through.

Is it so difficult to understand that I too am going through. Just because I don’t have to think about how to come up with 20k in 2 months, doesn’t mean I don’t have my personal demons haunting me as well.

We hardly laugh together nowadays, do you know that?

That was all we used to do when we first started going out. I don’t feel like there is anything to laugh about now. And my heart aches for that because that was what our relationship was built on. We knew each other through our laughter. We talked about silly things together.

Now it’s just work, the baby, money and debts.

And it has only been over a year that we are together.

I can’t imagine if this was to go on for the next ten years or something.

I hate to think about the past. I don’t teach myself to hate the past but whenever I can, I try not to think about them because I already learned what I need to from them so I place them in a safe place where it is ignored but not forgotten. Lately I find myself thinking about the way we started out more often than not.

I think about the times we had, the laugh we had, the times when we just sit and hold hands or look at each other. That time seemed so very far away.

I don’t think we forget about each other.

I don’t think we forget to remember that we love each other.

Maybe really it’s just me who is not paying attention. I mean, I’ve admitted it more than once that I can really be selfish and I think there have been more than one occasion where I am being selfish in our relationship. He gives in all the time, if I were to think about it.

I can’t possibly have everything to myself now, can I? Eros needs his father but why do I feel like I have to compete for his attention just so I would feel loved? I mean, there is no way that he is loving me and Eros at the same level although I know he loves the two of us very much.

I always say that I am tired and sick of all the misunderstandings and arguments and tears that I go through. Maybe it is time for me to realize that it is me who needs to stop and look around to see that not everything is about me.

I can’t wait for things to happen. I can’t want them to be there for me every time I turn and look.

I need to be someone. I need to be someone that he can need.

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