Maybe It’s Just Me

I don’t know if it really is just me who feels out of place when it comes to anything family related now.

Now, whatever they do, it seems as though I am no longer apart of it. It doesn’t bother me but it feels weird because we used to be such a close-knit family. I guess it really is me who breaks us apart because it was me who made the decision to move out and that sort of starts the chain reaction in everything.

It started out with me not bothering to wear the tudung, then of course the fact that I moved in with Mohen sort of puts the rotten cherry on the spoiled cake from hell. I mean, I don’t know. I have always come across to them as this person who doesn’t want to follow what others tell me or a person that does what she wants whether she has has the verbal beatings or not.

For me, they should’ve known me better and not expect me to be that person that they all wanted me to be. I take it that I simply grow up and do the things that I’ve always wanted to do. I didn’t change, I wasn’t influenced by anyone. I simply do the things that I’ve imagined myself to be doing when I am at a certain age.

Does that make me a lesser human?

Just because I didn’t grow up the way they wanted me to, just because I did what I wanted although it wrong by the laws of God, does that puts me lower in the rank of being a human?

I sure am aware of the things that I do and I know that I have to pay for it sooner or later but what I did was because I know what I wanted and yes, I do know, plainly, that some of the things that I want is wrong. But I still do it because that is what I feel who I am and I don’t think anything or anyone should stop me from being what I want, whether at the end of the day, it’s wrong or right.

I feel like the saying “Be yourself,” is a big joke. Because at the end of it all, you can never really be yourself when it comes to your family. They expect you to behave a certain way, they want you to do certain things in accordance to their belief and practice.

So what I don’t want to do what they are doing? So what if I choose to ignore their good intention of moulding me into a better person so that I wouldn’t receive eternal retribution from God on Judgment Day.

I want to make mistakes. Let me be. If I have to pay for it, I’m not dragging you into hell with me.

But at the end of the day, maybe it’s just me who realize that I don’t lie when it comes to being who you are; no matter what your parents’ or family’s background and believes are.

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