I think for the first time in my life, I can truly understand what it is to be in a dilemma.
I mean, I know what the word means but never before I have truly felt the effect that it has upon people who are well, in dilemma.
I can’t stop thinking about Natasha. I mean I know her from Mohen to be this childish, clingy and even to some extent, psychotic girl who wants nothing else but to have Mohen in her life.
But from he has been telling me about her life and what she is going through, I can see that she is actually almost depending on Mohen to go on with her life. And this makes me feel as though I want to bring her into the family so she feels like the world isn’t such a bad place after all and that there are people who can care for her the way she wanted to be taken care of.
I imagine us to be friends where we can talk about boys and paint each other’s nails and straighten our hair as the other talk about how the other guy made our heart jump.
But what makes her heart jump is Mohen.
And that is the only risk that I do not dare take.
I mean, what if she is able to momentarily forget about her affectuation towards Mohen and really did become like our sister, and start to entertain her feelings for him. And what if she decided to make a move on him and try to take him away from me?
I know that I should trust Mohen to not be so easily coaxed by her but what if, just, what freaking if, he responds to her and started to develop feelings as well because they sure as hell did have a past together.
I will definitely walk out because I wouldn’t want to stay in that kind of relationship but I would be haunted by my own inner demon saying that I was the one who brought this onto myself by inviting her into our little world.
Perhaps she may not be too psychotic to disrupt the peace that we brought her in but if she is the child that Mohen always says she is and decided to do what she want, wouldn’t I be the one left crying in the corner.
Someone told me that I was trying to save the world.
More like, I am trying to save her world by giving her a world that she wanted. But I must know as well that the world that she wanted is a world with Mohen and her and no one else.
The little world that I want to bring her in has Eros and me, also striving for Mohen’s attention and affection. I wouldn’t want her to rob me off that after what I do to her. My intention was for her to feel that the world isn’t such a bad place by giving her the peace and love that she yearns.
She yearns for Mohen’s world and his attention, his time, heart and perhaps even his soul.
Do I dare to take the risk of her destroying everything we built just so she would feel loved?
It’s a gamble. More like I am gambling Mohen’s feelings on this.
I knew him better. I know that he wouldn’t leave us for the world. And whatmore he wouldn’t leave us for her. But what if, just, what freaking if, he does?
Do I dare face the consequences of my own gamble?
I have no idea why I am feeling like this towards a person that I don’t even know from Adam, a person that I have never even spoken to whatmore meet. I don’t know where does this overwhelming feeling of protection is borne from and most of all – above all in the name of God, why.
Did our path cross in our past life?
I may soon be a believer in past life rendezvous.
Was there something that happen between my past life and hers that now I feel such a strong fundamental (note that I say fundamental – that is how strong this feeling is) feeling to be there for her? Did I wrong her in some way in my past life that I am now struggling to correct?
I try to hate this feeling. All the logic being in me saying that I am being insanely irrational. All the ego in me is saying that I should not even spent a fleeting second of my thoughts on her.
Yet, this is all that fills my mind.
I don’t know why this is happening. It is scaring me beyond words because I am thinking of putting at risk what is most dear to me and I would disfunction without Mohen and Eros both with me.
It eats me up like a bacteria, it fills my mind like the annoying song that keeps repeating itself over and over and over again until I can figure what’s the name of the song.
I guess it is scaring Mohen to some extent as well.
I don’t know what I should do. If I were to pretend to ignore this feeling and idea, I would only be tormenting myself because I would still be thinking about it relentlessly. If I were to make this thing a reality, I am afraid of the outcome it might present in the future.
Oh, dear God…