what do i call this?

I don’t know if ever I am going to admit that I don’t deserve to have a baby.

There were times that I feel it’s so hard to be a mom and there are times I feel it in my bones that I can do this after all.

Should I be scared? Should I be embarrassed with myself? Should I tell someone? And if I do, what are they going to think of me?

I know that I have never really cared about what others say about me but this time it’s different because it involves Eros and I don’t want to screw up anything that has got to do with him.

I can’t help but feel there are a lot of others who are worse moms than I am but I can’t and shouldn’t be comparing myself to them. But why? Just because they are bad moms, they are a bad example? I may be a bad mom too and I feel like I have my reasons for not being a good mom. And I bet they do too.

I bet no one really wanted to be a bad mom, unless they are so heartless and care not even an ounce of their babies. I know I care about Eros a lot. Maybe I have problems showing him that.

Maybe I feel like being a trophy mom where Eros is just there as baby that doesn’t cry, doesn’t need to be fed or needs to be changed. If he were that way, then I wouldn’t be having a baby – I would be having a doll instead.

I’m still not sure of what am I doing. I still don’t know how far I can push myself and whether I can really do this or not.

I feel like I can, but I feel lost within myself that I find myself reluctant to be that good mother.

Is this bad? Should I be ashamed of myself?

I know I should change. But why don’t I want to even though I know it in my bones that all I want is the best for Eros.

Obviously what I am doing, probably won’t contribute to his best.

What else do I need to do?

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