Posted in Marriage, Relationship

Facebook me your twitter so I can WhatsApp you my Instagram

I had to take a minute to let that sink in.

I don’t know about you, but that didn’t sound weird to me at all. But then again, these words are part of everyone’s conversation nowadays that they’re hardly alien or weird at all.

It starts with that, doesn’t it?

Conversations.

One person decided to text a person and they started to talk for hours, ignoring everything and everyone else around them.

This is not a big deal if you‘re not seeing anyone. But it can get pretty darn annoying when it’s your spouse who’s doing it. He or she might spend the whole day texting back and forth with whoever it is, and you can’t even get a minute of their time. When you ask them about it, they say it’s just a friend.

Okay, hang on. Let me backtrack a little because even I feel as though I’m jumping the gun here.

I feel, ever since we’re more savvy with technology, many things have gone wrong with the way we live our lives.

Our kids are more glued to their tablets and smartphones than they’re with books or board games, many of us are hooked on online games that we spend hours and hours trying to win the next level, and one of the most common problems I hear from my friends is how their spouse spends hours on the phone talking to friends.

Isn’t this weird? I mean, you have your wife there, she’s watching TV with you and there you are on the couch, alternating between looking at the screen of your phone and the TV. Or your husband is watching the TV and you’re the one who’s playing Candy Crush.

Not a single word is spoken between the two of you.

Is it just me or I find there is something very wrong with this picture?

1 in 5 divorce cases in America was caused by Facebook and instant messaging. Arguments and fights between husbands and wives are most of the times caused by WhatsApp or some other instant messaging services. I’ve personally known 4 friends who were divorced because of affairs that started from instant messaging.

A friend, who recently went through a divorce not 6 months ago, bitterly said to me that nowadays relationships are just messed up – You can know everything about me there is to know but don’t ever touch my phone.

I don’t have to go far. I experienced it myself before. You just know that your partner is not talking to just “some” friends (read: guy friends) because

1. He’s on the phone from morning and checking it every 5-10 minutes and,

2. There’s that sometimes playful smile when he reads the text.

I can’t tell you how it drives me crazy while I pretended not to care. I don’t want to ask because I feel that it’s his space to talk to whoever he wants. But I feel like an idiot hanging around him trying to get his attention focused on me instead. Me. His wife.

Almost every other woman that I met has experienced this with their husbands. And when asked, they said he would almost always say, It’s a friend and we’re just talking.

I’m not just talking about guys. I know women do this thing too. I’ve done it as well. But just to see what it feels like to spite my husband by me doing the exact same thing he’s doing.

Of course, all hell breaks loose. I guess it’s all right if he does it, but not me.

But then again, thank God I hated it. It made me feel weird to be texting a guy at 2am in the morning and started flirting, because I know he knows that I’m married and I don’t want him to think that I’m being available that way.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe in changing the way I am once I’m married.

I might be too available, or too promiscuous or too easy before I was someone’s wife, but now that I’m married, I feel I can’t be that way anymore. Especially now I have 3 kids. I believe in women being liberal and open about who they are or their sexuality, but I draw my own line about how I need to behave now that I’m someone’s wife.

My mother taught me to take care of my actions and my words, especially around other men, because I’m now a married woman. I have an obligation to my husband and I can’t be embarrassing him by being flirty with other men. My mother said it’s okay if people think I’ve changed drastically or that I’ve become boring, as long as I don’t do anything to jeopardize my marriage.

To be honest, I personally feel all this secret texting and late night Facebook chats can jeopardize a marriage even though a lot of people that I talk to say that it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the intention to cheat.

I mean, I find it disturbing that your partner is sleeping alone in the bed and you’re talking away to someone until the wee hours of the morning. When asked, It’s just a friend. It’s not like it’s anything. Can you just trust me?

Ah, “Trust me”. That’s another phrase I feel it’s being overused in marriages and relationships.

With trust, I’m supposed to be okay if you’re talking to someone on FB chats at 4am. With trust, I’m supposed to be okay with all the comments you make on someone’s Instagram photos that are rather provoking. With trust, I’m supposed to ignore how I feel and agree with you that I’m overthinking.

You know what, maybe I am. Maybe because I’m a woman so I distrust my whole species for talking to my man. Maybe because I’m a woman, I feel that my man can easily fall for some other women that he spends hours talking to every day.

But before you think I’m on a men-bashing crusade because of my experience, I know for a fact women do it too.

My guy friend, also just went through another divorce, because his wife was always on the phone with a long lost schoolmate (who also happened to be an old flame) and ended up falling in love with her old friend all over again. My friend was devastated because they had a daughter and he thought he was being nice to her, letting her talk to her old friend. *Yes, I read his message with my husband next to me so there’s no secret messaging there, mind you.*

See where trust gets him?

I know it’s probably the wife’s fault that she abused his trust, but he did wonder if things would’ve been different if he told her not to text her friend too much.

This kind of things takes two to tango. If one person keeps on sending messages, but the other person never replied or replied curtly with one word replies, I don’t think it would’ve gone too far. People that I spoke to tend to say that, Oh, I can control myself. I know what’s the limit and I don’t flirt. It’s nothing.

But can the other person have as much control?

Say if I were to flirt with another man on the phone, then he would probably see it as an open invitation. Suppose he doesn’t flirt back (because he knows I’m married with kids), but never fail to reply me anyway, I would feel encouraged to continue texting him. And it goes from there.

People probably get thrills or something from this kind of thing. It’s exciting to know we’re texting someone that our spouse doesn’t know. Or that person says something your husband or your wife doesn’t say to you. We start to see other people as more interesting than the one we married.

My friend (the one who said modern relationships are messed up) told me that when she asked her husband what was wrong with her that he had to find someone else to talk to, she said he told her that she has started to bore him. That she’s no longer interesting.

In my heart, I felt this unreasonable anger toward her husband. Was it so hard for him to tell his wife this? Was it so hard to tell his wife that he wanted her to try something new? Or that she’s become so tied up with work and their kids that she’s no longer the woman he remembered her?

When a married couple starts to feel that other people is more interesting, more exciting than his or her own spouse, this is when the cracks start to happen.

One of the things that I’m really terrified of is how I might be boring to my husband.

How I wontbe able to excite him the way I did when we first went out. How he won’t get the butterflies anymore while thinking about me at work. This paranoia is worse when I’m running around the house with 3 kids while trying to squeeze in my writing projects, because I know when I’m this hectic person, I become snappy, sarcastic and spiteful toward anyone. I’m afraid this behavior might drive my husband away because he sees me as this annoying housewife that blabbers and bickers all the time.

My mom always says, When we start to feel our spouse is boring and no longer attractive, even the slightest temptation is enough to drive us away from them.

I can’t stop technology any more than I can stop the Sun from rising. But I honestly feel a lot of couples are affected by this and it’s completely unhealthy. I bet things were greater when technology wasn’t that advanced for married coupled now who were going out then. Couples actually talk and spend time together. They actually look into each other’s eyes and laugh while they share stories.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s the kind of relationship that I want for me and for almost anybody who’s going through hell fighting over text messaging.

But then, maybe I’m just overthinking and being absurdly jealous.

I guess I’ll just text a guy friend to pour my heart out to, eh?

 

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Posted in Marriage, Relationship

Dear Some Women

Dear some women,
Give your man a break.

So much stereotype and expectations are put on them that it’s no wonder they feel like letting you down sometimes. He’s only human. Just as the way you complained that you’re only human when you feel like you have to do everything around the house.

Women always talk about how men need to please her and do things to make her happy, but most of the times, many of us are not doing half of the same effort we expect men to do for us. We want men to appreciate us, see us for the women that we are and notice little things that we do for them.

For all you know, men want the same thing too.

He too wants you to appreciate him, he too wants you to see him for the man that he is and maybe he too wants you to notice the little things he does for you, like buying that extra loaf of bread even though you didn’t ask him to.

Women don’t have the pressure to keep things inside because we can blabber to our men, or we can talk to our girlfriends. Men don’t usually have that luxury so don’t you think it’s more pressuring for them to keep it all in while at the same time try to be the man of your dream?

I’m not a man.

But I believe they need equal attention, equal affection and equal passion from us. I believe they want to talk to you, but too conscious to do something like that. I believe men are actually more sensitive than women, but certain things don’t allow them to show it.

So dear some women, when your man is not being all that you want him to, give him a break once in a while.

I would like to think that at least he’s trying.

Posted in Marriage, Relationship

Dear Some Men,

Dear some men,

 

I know you work hard to provide for the family. I know you have millions of things on your mind about where the money goes and you worry about how much you have left at the end of the month.

 

But take some time to look at your wife.

 

Look at her as a person that’s busting her chops to keep the house clean, look at her as a person that’s running around sending kids to school and going to the market to get groceries and hope she will be back home on time to cook lunch. Look at your wife as the person that wakes up before everyone else and sleeps only after everyone has gone to bed.

 

She looks to you as her support, but do you feel that you’re there for her as much as you expected her to be there for you? She looks to you as her rock, but do you anchor her to her feet so she doesn’t lose her mind or are you only weighing her down?

 

There are so many wives who are depressed because her husband don’t lift a finger around the house. There are so many wives that filed for divorce because she can’t take doing everything on her own when that one person she counts on doesn’t even say thank you for what she does.

 

If you ask her, she doesn’t really care if you make RM1000 per month or RM10,000 at that.

 

She works at the office just as you do too. She gets stressed out over a dumb colleague as well. She gets pissed off at her boss too. She gets caught up in the traffic jam just as you’re making your way home from the office as well.

 

She wants you to see her as a person, as a woman who dedicated her life to serve you and make you happy. She doesn’t want to be made to feel like a maid in her own house. She does the cleaning and the cooking out of love. She understands that’s her job and she understands that you expected her to do all that.

 

She understands what you have to go through and she expects you to understand her as well. She never complains she has to cook, she never complains she has to fold a mountain of laundry, although if you ask her, she would rather sit and do nothing. Of course she would not tell you this because she knows your expectations of her.

 

Just as she expected you to appreciate her. Just as she expected you to hug her and say thank you. Just as she expected you to give her 10 minute break once in a while.

 

Wives know that their husbands can change a diaper, wives know their husbands know where the broom and mop are kept, wives know their husbands can take care of the children and the house without them despite people always degrading men as caretakers.

 

She just wants to know that she’s not alone in this thing because marriage is about working together as a team. Not a one (wo)man show.

 

Just a thank you and a hug will do. And yes, please take out the garbage too, while you’re at it.

 

Posted in Motherhood, Parenting, Relationship

Just Us

We will be 5 years together this May. Or at least 5 years in a full committed relationship.

I think I knew Mohen close to 7 years now. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s 7 years. It’s amazing how things turned out for the both of us.

Our first photo together during our office annual dinner.
We weren’t even each other’s date that night but somehow we ended up hanging out with each other a lot that night!

When we met, we never thought we would be where we are right now; in a relationship serious enough to have 3 kids out of. Although there were several pretty rough patch that we went through, I would say that I’m having an amazing time with him.

I met Mohen when I wasn’t looking for anything serious. In fact I wasn’t looking for anything at all. We just happened to meet at the smoking area of our previous office and, well, as cliche as this may sound, there rest is just history.

People always say familiarity breeds contempt.

I don’t really know what that means. I mean, I know what it means. But I don’t think I really know what it implies. I suppose when you’re too familiar with a person and you’ve let your guards down or, in the words of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting – we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. His imperfections are just apart of him that I accepted and my eccentricities are probably part of my charm.

We’ve sort of drifted apart these few weeks. Nothing serious but we both know it’s because we have another baby and that keeps me busy and occupied a large part of my time and he’s as always occupied with work. We still talk and laugh and poke fun at each other but we can tell it’s a little different from what we usually have.

It’s not hard being young parents with small kids. There’s just so much that we need to learn and get used to that sometimes we feel as though we have nothing in common anymore. The parenting duties in our household sometimes seems to be so distinctly divided – him working and me doing pretty much everything else at home. Mohen does help around a lot during weekends and even though that eases my job a little as a mom, I would like to have more time with him the way I used to.

We used to go out a lot before we are seriously attached.

I believe in date nights and thank God, so does Mohen.

We’re overdue for our date night for months now. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time we went out just the two of us. That’s how long ago it was!

I know we’re so in love and are still crazy about each other. I just hope things get settled pretty soon because I can’t wait to go dancing with him again.

Posted in Marriage, Motherhood, Relationship

But You’re Pregnant…

If you’ve read my post about sex during pregnancy, then you would know how I feel about it.

If you haven’t, I suggest you read it first before continuing with this one. Your Mileage May Differ may give you an idea on how I feel about sex while being pregnant.

But what I have never really talked about is what happens to Mohen or what he is going through while I’m pregnant.

A pregnant woman

I don’t pretend to know because most of the times, well, he doesn’t tell me.

Unless I make him talk about it, then I would get a glimpse of what he’s thinking or feeling. As much as we are able to talk to each other about anything, it is sometimes hard to get Mohen to talk because he’s such a private person, even with me.

As it was with my other pregnancies, we are going through that stage where sex is getting far and between.

Now that I’ve been pregnant often enough to know what Mohen’s reactions are at this stage, I am more relaxed and tend not to overreact when he says no. I said in the post mentioned above that I expected him to understand how I behave sexually during pregnancy since we’ve gone through that stage several times.

But our relationship is so much better now that I know what to expect and respect his sexual behavior during the time I’m pregnant. I can’t believe it takes us 3 pregnancies to actually mutually understand each other’s sexual behavior. You would think sex is just sex and what’s so complicated about it.

However, there is another part of this stage that makes me really uncomfortable.

Because sex between us now is less often, Mohen sometimes, well, find another outlet to release his sexual urges.

I don’t think many men would be surprised to know if I say that Mohen sometimes masturbate instead of making love to me and I think many women would understand why it makes me uncomfortable.

I have read enough to understand that even though a man has a healthy and robust sex life, he still masturbates from time to time. It is a natural thing to do and there is nothing wrong with it at all.

But for a woman, to know that your partner masturbates when you are readily available for sex whenever he needs it, is almost as bad as being cheated on.

It’s ridiculous, of course. Even I can tell.

Because with cheating it would mean that they are sleeping with another person. And this is not even a person we’re talking about. It is still a body part that belongs to your partner so how on Earth can that be considered cheating?

We don’t know why or how and we can’t explain it either.

All we know is when we find out that our partner masturbates, especially when we are pregnant, it makes us feel ugly, unattractive, cheated and to some extend, maybe even betrayed.

As for me, I didn’t feel all that but it did make me feel useless.

Even when I’m not pregnant, I know that Mohen sometimes masturbate because well, simply put, he is a man.

In fact, we talked about it before and we both know that he does it sometimes.

I am completely fine with it and he is completely comfortable with the fact that I know he does it. And I have always been proud about us because we are able to know, understand and accept each other’s sexual behavior without being defensive or difficult about it.

It’s just that to know that it happens when I’m pregnant, is just, devastating.

I know that he does it because he has the urges while I’m going through one of many pregnancy woes and he doesn’t want to hurt me further.

In fact, I should be happy that he is sensitive to what I am going through and respects my pregnant body and understands the pain enough to not be selfish and make advances on me anyway.

And I know it’s ridiculous for me to feel useless when Mohen chooses to masturbate instead of making love to me because he is being considerate.

I know he knows he can make love to me whenever he wants because sex during pregnancy was never ruled out by our ob-gyn since both me and our baby are healthy but I don’t know why the thought of him masturbating when I’m pregnant just bothers me so much. You would think it should bother me more when I’m not pregnant because sex shouldn’t be a problem at all then but it really does bug me more during pregnancy.

I guess it’s just the hormones and the bulging belly and the constant back pain and the frequent toilet trips that makes me feel bothered.

He always says that I might feel fine for sex before the sex but I might feel the pain after it and then he would feel guilty for going ahead with it and it will stressed him out. I know he is right but at the same time I hate that we’re not taking the risk to give a sex a go because for all we know, I might still feel fine after it. And Mohen’s argument will always be, What if you won’t?

Sometimes I think I’m just being selfish about my own need without considering that Mohen is saying no not to me, but to the situation that I’m going through. Just because we always have sex like a bunch of college kids doesn’t mean we can’t hang in there for a few weeks until we get through this pregnancy. Especially now I’m already at 35 weeks.

I don’t even know why I’m talking about this.

Maybe it’s more about me wanting to get over this pregnancy rather than being bothered about what Mohen does when he can’t make love to me.

But I am after all 35 weeks pregnant. I tend to get emotional and snappy about everything.

Posted in Relationship

Ways to A Healthy and Lasting Relationship

How many of you clicked on the link to read my blog because of the title?

It’s weird how human needs help on basic human needs, is it not?

And I am no different. I was browsing through top blogs in my blogging website and come across 9 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Healthy At Any Age at http://yhoo.it/dtVmsm. So I read the whole article, thinking that I might stumble across something that might actually help my relationship. Not that it is in trouble but you can always get tips.

What amazes me is that all the things that was written are the things that I already know about. Makes me wonder if I should start writing a self-help book. And also made me think that self-help books are not books to help yourself but books written on the things that author did to self-help him/herself. Shouldn’t be a problem for me because there are thousand of things that I’ve done in my life that I’ve self-helped my self, if lack for a better word.

I wouldn’t say that Mohen and I have the most perfect relationship but I secretly applaud us because we get people say things like, “You guys look so cute together!” or “I love to see the way you guys are with each other!” or “You guys make such great couple!”. Although for most part I do feel like saying, We know, I smiled and felt proud that we seem that way to others.

Of course we do not pretend to be happy with each other because I believe that Mohen and I make each other very happy. Even when we have our ugliest arguments, we know deep down that we make each other happy. We know that given the circumstances, we will not walk away from each other not because we have a son together, but we truly do care and love each other.

For me, I have always feared relationship because childhood histories caused me to have no faith in the purity of relationship. This was why I have never taken any relationship seriously until I am with Mohen. It’s cheesy but I guess we really do complete each other. It’s our imperfection that makes us perfect. It’s our flaw that make us faultless.

I guess if I were to write a self-help book on relationship (and humor me for a second, thank you), these are the things I will definitely have in my book:

1. Respect – It is overrated but it’s the most important thing. He wants to be alone? Respect it. He wants to watch football on TV until 3am? Respect it but made it clear you don’t approve. Sulk if you may, clean the dishes loudly if you want but let him watch the game. You want to wear an electric pink skirt with a  lime green top? He should respect it. You want to be alone in the bath while Josh Groban plays on and he has to look after the kid. He should respect it and he can knock on the door asking when are you going to be done.

2. Accept that change is nature – One thing that I fear most is that the moment a person you like becomes your significant other, they turn into someone else. Let’s face it, we all change. But do not use that as your argument when you quarrel. “I liked you better when were dating,” or “I liked your old self compared to how you are now.” It is painful and insulting. It makes the other partner feels like you don’t like being with them anymore. If the change doesn’t hurt you, then roll with the punches. It’s not wrong he is more possessive now because you’re his to protect and care compared to when you were dating. Just tell him if he crosses the line from being to possessive to obsessive.

3. Your partner is your friend – I never see Mohen as my partner or spouse or consort or whatever it is the term for life partner. He is my friend, he is my confidante and under certain circumstances he is my punching bag. You laugh with your mates over dirty jokes, you make fun of the hilarious guy on a rickety bicycle and you tell your friend she gained weight. Do the same thing with your partner. If they love you truly for who you are, they won’t be hurt. You might end up being each other consultant in almost everything. And for free too.

4. Remind them you love them – People forget and people remember through repetition. Tell him you love him 7 times a day if you have to. Send text messages, post on his Facebook wall, call just to say you love him (Stevie Wonder nailed this ages ago) – whatever you feel like doing, no matter how busy you are. You don’t exactly have to send a barbershop quarter to his office because trust me, you don’t want to overdo it. Even he or she never replies,do not reduce or stop doing it. Do not feel obligated and that you need or look forward for a reply because otherwise he or she will just respond to your text just to shut you up. Make him or her remember you always love them and think of them throughout the whole day.

5. Tell me what you don’t like – Ask him or her from time to time what they don’t like about you. They will be very hesitant because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings but make them understand that you want to know. You might not know that your subconscious habit of hanging the shirt facing the other way from him annoys him or that his gym socks left in the sneakers bothers you. Listen with open mind and do not promise to change. It’s a habit and it will probably take years to get rid of. But when you know what he or she don’t like, you will slowly catch yourself before you do it. It’s amazing how little things can improve so many things.

Well, these are the 5 things I always do and everyday I feel that Mohen and I are growing stronger and stronger with and for each other. You may want to try and see if it works. After all, it is a self-help for me and if it works for you, I might consider writing a book after all.

And oh, if it did help you, I will charge you for it.

Posted in Relationship

I Get This Buzz In My Head

Sometimes when I’m not really thinking about anything in particular, I get this  buzz in my head when I think of Mohen.

It has been almost 3 years that we’re together and yet it did sometimes feel like we just got together a few months back. Of course when Eros is around the reality hits harder than I imagine. But when it’s just me and him, it makes me feel like it’s just the two of us. That is why I love being with Mohen all the time. And I like spending time alone with him, just talking about silly things that don’t make any sense.

Although sometimes I wonder if he still feels the same way when he was first with me. I don’t know if he change but I think when it comes to certain things, he did. I would like to think that I don’t change but I think I would be lying if I say I didn’t. But I think I didn’t change the way I feel about him or treat him compared to the first time we got together.

I know that now when we argue, I tend to be more angry and vocal and rude to him compared to the last time. I wasn’t the type that argue much in a relationship because, honestly, I never really did care much about it back then. Whenever I had some rough time with whoever it was I was with, I took the easy way out and walked away either from the fight or the whole thing altogether.

But I don’t change the way I feel. I don’t change the way I show to him how  much I love him. And these are the things that I think he changed from. It just feels different. And for a woman who can even notice if he blinks his eyes differently, I sure as hell noticed many things that were different from last time.

When I think of this things it squeezes my heart and give me that buzz in my head. I don’t know what it is but it’s not something that I like very much. I can’t tell what it is that is bothering me. When I asked, of course he would say that I am being ridiculous.

It’s great sometimes not to have him around because I get my space. But I miss him too easily and wishes him near me again. But I think he loves his space too much still for me to be around him all the time.

I don’t want us to fall into this routine where we simply tolerated each other’s presence.

I want us to want to be with each other and not just have the other person to be stuck with.

I don’t know. I can’t think because of this buzz in  my head.