Posted in Motherhood, Parenting

I Thought I Was

It’s day 14 today.

I don’t feel any better about breastfeeding. I think there might be something wrong with my milk supply. I remembered distinctly when I was breastfeeding Sophia past year that my supply was a lot more than what it is right now for Damien. I have a feeling I have a low milk supply.

I remembered the time when Sophia was sleeping, my milk would “restock” itself and when I tried to squeeze it out, it would sometimes came out in spurts. This time around, when I squeeze my breasts, only a slow trickle will flow. I am so afraid because I really want to breastfeed Damien and I do not want to resort to formula just so he’ll have enough to eat.

I don’t even have much milk letdown this time. If I were to nurse Damien on one breast, I will only have a small amount of letdown on the other breast. I used to soak my nursing pad the last time I nursed Sophia.

I have no idea why this time around my milk supply is low. It seems to be so much when my milk came in last week and I was happy because I thought I’m the type blessed with abundant milk supply, the way I was with Eros and Sophia.

My mother said because I’m worried about my family and how Mohen needs to cope with all the family financial. Of course I can’t help but worry. I can’t make myself not to think about it. I know how hard it is for him to make ends meet so I can’t stop thinking about our situation. As much as I try to put the thought away while I breastfeed, it’s still hard to pretend like nothing is wrong.

I’ve been trying to correctly latch Damien for days. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I think I’ve read and seen videos on correct latch like a million times but still I can’t get him to properly suckle on my breasts. Instead I can feel him gumming my nipples and it’s so painful when he starts to nurse that sometimes I’m terrified when he’s awake for a feed.

My friends all tell me that both of us are learning and I shouldn’t beat myself up too hard over it.

But I can’t help but want to get it right because one, it’s mighty painful when he nurses and second, I feel like a complete failure for not being able to get it right even after 2 weeks and third, each time it hurts during nursing, I entertain the thought of feeding him with formula (yes, as much as I am resolved to not offer him any).

And it’s been two days now I feel pain on my cesarean incision.

It’s just at the beginning of the incision where there’s like a knot or something but it’s burning and feels like little electric shock pulses whenever I move in the wrong direction. I have to make sure that I press the spot and move in a right angle so the pain won’t send me reeling back onto bed.

I know the incision is not ripped or open because it’s absolutely clean and there’s no weird stuff coming out of it but I hate the pain because it limits my movement so much.

The thing is, I know I need to rest but with a 4 year old toddler and a 1 year old who is still in diapers, it’s hard to get as much rest as I needed.

I still have to look after them when my mom is occupied with something and sometimes I need bathe them and change Sophia’s diapers. I know that I’m not supposed to lift anything heavier than my newborn but it’s just crazy not to look after them when there’s no one else to help you.

I knew I was very apprehensive when we conceived Damien because I was afraid that I might not be able to cope.

I know that I can do this once the pain is over and my cesarean scar heals or when Damien finally knows how to latch.

But until then, I feel like a total failure.



As I’m writing this, Damien is breastfeeding. He has been cluster feeding today that I thought I would lose my mind.

Although there’s that bond everyone is talking about when it comes to breastfeeding, I feel cluster feeding really does push a mother’s sanity to the edge. I have not left the bed, much less left the room for the whole day except to go the bathroom to wash my face because I feel like if I breastfeed for a minute longer, I will probably gouge my eyes out.

Damien sleeps for long hours.

I know how newborns are not really supposed to be doing that but his max is about 4 hours so that’s sort of acceptable according to our doctor. Even so, I try to catch him during his REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and wake him up for a feed after 3 hours. Neither of my two kids slept as long as Damien does when they were newborns so I’m always anxious about letting Damien sleep.

It’s weird that I have to wake up a sleeping baby when everybody knows babies love to sleep. My mom doesn’t believe in waking up newborns to feed because she said they will wake up if they are hungry. But I know that if I don’t wake Damien up my breasts will swell because the milk is not drained and he is supposed to be doing that. I guess it really is about being cruel to be kind sort of situation when it comes to waking up a sleeping newborn for a feed.

The things is, I’m afraid Damien might have jaundice because the whites of his eyes are tinged with yellow albeit barely noticeable. And I know jaundiced babies are sometimes too lethargic to wake themselves up for a feed thus missing the vital nutrients they need to combat the jaundice at this early stage of life.

I’m bringing Damien for a check up tomorrow. I just really hope he is okay.

Posted in Children, Motherhood, Parenting

Nipple Shield – Product Review

I haven’t done product review in a while so I would like to review something that I’m currently using.

Damien has been breastfeeding for a full week now and I’m so happy that we haven’t introduced to him a single drop of formula. Although I never feel that breastfed babies are superior to formula-fed babies, I’m just happy because I’ve always wanted to exclusively breastfeed since Sophia.

I attempted breastfeeding with all 3 children of mine and I used nipple shield at the earlier stages of breastfeeding.

I used nipple shield the first time with Eros because my nipples were rather short then and he couldn’t latch on properly. With Sophia was because she was nursing so often my nipples were sore and cracked and with Damien it is simply because I used it with Sophia and it made breastfeeding so much easier.

There is, of course,  a wide range of nipple shields sold but I’ve used only 3 brands so far and so my review will be based on these 3 only.

1. Pigeon Rubber Nipple Shield 

I used this when I was breastfeeding Sophia. What I like about this nipple shield is that the tip of the shield where the nipple should be isn’t hardened like some nipple shield. The texture is consistent all over so it’s very pliable and fits into the baby’s mouth perfectly. Because it’s made of rubber, it needs to be washed with soapy water immediately after use or otherwise milk deposits will gather and accumulate on the inside of the nipple shield. I ruined one because there were several occasions I forgot to wash it right after use during midnight feeding. Although it’s a little big and the color is not at all conspicuous (as it is the color of latex rubber), I used it for quite some time as Sophia adapted to it immediately.


2. Anakku Silicone Nipple Shield


I am currently using this when breastfeeding Damien. Unlike the Pigeon rubber nipple shield above, this one has its tips hardened so your baby may have a little difficulty at first in adapting it into his/her mouth. I like how the rest of the shield is and how it fits perfectly to your areola, giving it a firm grip and do not come off during breastfeeding. However because of the hardened tip, it may take some time before your teat can fully fill the nipple area. It can cause a little discomfort for the first few seconds but once steady suckling is established, you can hardly feel that you’re wearing a shield.


3. Avent Nipple Shield


I used this when I was trying to breastfeed Eros. Avent carries two types of nipple shield – a soft one and a hard one. We bought the soft one as it was our first time trying out a shield. For me, it is still hard for an infant’s mouth. Although the silicone is of a good grade, this is a shield that I liked least. I find that it slips off easily and my son had a hard time adjusting the hardened tip into his small mouth.

Using nipple shield is entirely up to the mother.

Some lactation consultants swear off nipple shield like the plague because it doesn’t help the baby to natural suckle and learn to breastfeed on his own. However, for breastfeeding mothers with sore, cracked or inverted nipples, nipple shields are a heaven sent.

For me, I find it useful in the early stages of breastfeeding, those first few days home from the hospital when your milk just coming in and your breasts are engorged to the size of melons. But once my child has gotten the hang of breastfeeding, I discontinue using them.

What do you think of nipple shield and have you ever used them? Share your experience and which one do you like best!


Posted in Motherhood

So Here’s The Truth

I try to be a good mother.

Motherhood is something I believe should come naturally to all women, whether you want to have a baby or not.

But it’s not. It’s an art that you have to learn, it’s a mystery you have to unravel and it’s a lifetime lesson that needs fine tuning every now and then. It’s ironic I know, because I think almost everyone would think that every women should know how to be a mother because isn’t that a woman’s job since the beginning of time?

When you have a baby for the second time, it should get easier with parenting. Yeah, it should. But it’s not necessarily true at all time. Sometimes maybe it’s harder, especially if your baby is born with a different condition than your first.

I was lucky that it is easier for me. Although my second baby is fussier than my first – she wants to be held more, she wants to cuddle after she nursed, she will wake up at the slightest noise; but I was more prepared this time around to handle a baby than I was the first time.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I guess I want to share how I really feel about being a mother and even though I look happy being one on the outside, it’s always a struggle on the inside for me to appear the way I do to my friends. Some of them even see me as a new mother figure they look up too and respect. As much as this is very flattering, it also gives me a sense of guilt because I feel I’m not being honest with them about how motherhood really was and is for me.

Truth is, most of the times I don’t know why I want to be a mother.

I’d like to think that I’m now prepared to have a family and raise kids but by having doubts, though occasional; why I want to be a mother, I’m afraid that maybe there’s still this one part of me, deep inside, that I’m not really ready. I find myself thinking about the things I can do if I don’t have a baby, the money Mohen and I would have to spend if we don’t have to save for the children, I wish Mohen and I can still go out just the two of us. See, I don’t wish to do things a single person does, like go out on a girls’ night out or hit the latest club in town, I just want to spend time with Mohen.

It makes me think whether it is really the stress of motherhood that makes me feel this way or it’s just that I need more time with Mohen and still can be a mother just the same. Most of the time I suspect it’s the latter but sometimes I can’t help but wonder.

Sometimes when I change my baby or give my son a bath, I don’t find joy in them. I find those things to be chores and not something that I willingly do. Sure there are times when I’m excited to feed Eros, breastfeed Sophia and play with them and these are the good days, when I’m all up in the mood but when the days that I feel down or not up for it, I get tensed and snapped at everything. I know in my heart that it’s none of my kids’ fault and it’s mine, because I can’t manage my feelings better.

I had post-partum depression and although I feel like it has completely gone away, I can’t help but wonder if some of the brooding dark feelings still lurks about, waiting for a second chance to bloom into the malicious depression that it was 3 years ago. Each time I had a negative thought, I push them away, thinking how I was when I had PPD and determined not to be at that place again. Most of the times it worked because I believe I’m better at identifying my feelings but I’m just scared if it might take hold of me again.

When I imagine my life without my kids, I would be thinking about the things I can do. But then this overwhelming feeling would just rush in and I started crying because truthfully, I don’t know how I’d do without them now. As much as I want time for myself and daydream about the things I did before, I realized that they are so apart of me now that if they’re not around, my life wouldn’t make sense anymore. Obviously I can’t get rid of my children now now that they’re in this world but I imagine if I were to leave them and make a life of my own, I know my life will be meaningless.

Sure I can do all the things I want, go places I want to see, date people and all that but I will always have this dark cloud following me that says I abandon my children just to do this?

I don’t know… Maybe it’s because my children are still young and they need 150% attention right now. Maybe when they’re older and much more independent I would be able to do the things I want again. It’s just a matter of time and me having a lot of patience.

I know I love my kids because I’m always finding for ways to be a better mom, find out as much information about parenting, children’s nutrition and all that. I think if I don’t give two hoots about my children, I wouldn’t bother trying to be a good mother.

It’s just sometimes… It’s so hard and all I want is to do cry and not feel guilty for feeling this way towards my children.

Posted in Motherhood

Latch On, Latch Off

In 9 days time Sophia will be one month old.

I can’t for the life of me, imagine that time would fly so fast! With Eros, it seems to be a little slower. Maybe because he was my firstborn and there were many things that I have yet to learn. Now with Sophia, I can do most of the things without even realizing I was doing it.

Like the other day, I was breastfeeding her and Eros just got out from the toilet. He’s potty training, by the way. He wanted me to put his shorts on even though my sisters offered to help. So with one arm cradling Sophia to my breast, I helped Eros put on his short with the other while talking to him about his potty training so far. After I was done, I realized that I was able to do two things at once for two different child without even thinking how to do it.

Breastfeeding your child has got to be one of the best feelings in the world.

I felt good about myself and most importantly, I feel slightly more confident about raising two children on my own.

Speaking of breastfeeding, Sophia is getting better at it.

She has hit her first month growth spurt as her breastfeeding session grows longer as she nursed more now and sleeps for slightly shorter period. We’ve been breastfeeding for 20days now and it does seem to get easier each day.

When I first started to breastfeed Sophia, there were so many challenges that I had to go through to make sure she can breastfeed well. As much as she can latch on since the first day she was born, it was crazy the first week that I felt like giving up each time I had to bring her to my breast.

Even before she could latch on, my body recoiled in pain because my nipples were sore and my breasts were so engorged with milk that it was painful to even touch it what more to have a baby suckling from it. But because I regretted for not breastfeeding Eros, I tried to breathe and clenched my teeth as the pain seethe through my body from Sophia’s powerful suckling motion.

I can’t remember how many times I cried while she breastfed the first few days because it was almost too painful to bear. I remembered latching her off to find my nipple bloody and cracked. But still I tried to breastfeed her for the next session. Even Mohen asked me to stop and just let Sophia have formula so I can rest but I insisted on breastfeeding for I know the only way for the breasts to get better and for my nipples to heal is to breastfeed and breastfeed some more.

I don’t know where my determination comes from and secretly I applaud myself for trying so hard not to give up. I gave up after 3 days of trying to breastfeed Eros and we fall back to formula feed him. I can’t imagine the energy I sacrificed for Sophia just so she can get my breast milk even though I feel like dropping to the floor each time she’s done breastfeeding. I’m proud that I’m breastfeeding her and each time I do, I only wished I could turn back time and be as resilient for Eros as I had with her.

So now after 20 days, my nipples have completely healed and the milk flow seems to come more naturally and faster now. Sophia can seem to be full on just my breast milk sometimes although I had to supplement her with about 3oz of formula to help her sleep. Maybe my milk supply is still slightly low to meet her demand but since she’s breastfeeding 90% of her feeding session, I know it’s just a matter of time before the milk supply really kicked in for her.

Eros and Sophia having their morning feed.

I remembered during the first few days when I cried while breastfeeding Sophia and my mom told me that it’s just going to be a few more weeks before everything is okay. I remembered crying harder when she told me that because then, few more weeks sounded like a year.

Well, it has been few weeks now after that first few days and yeah, it didn’t seem too bad. It was the pain I was in that made it seemed longer.

Now I’m enjoying breastfeeding Sophia. As a matter of fact, I just put her down in her crib because she feel asleep at my breast while I typed this post.

Sophia laughing herself to sleep after breastfeeding.


Posted in General, Motherhood

How I Lost 40kg In 7 Months

Okay so maybe not exactly 7 months.

I don’t really know how long it was for me to lose 40kg but I know it didn’t take me that long to do it. 7 months is the rough estimation because there were times that I lagged in my regime that instead of losing weight sooner, I extended the period.

Now that’s out of the way, I want to share what I did to lose 40kg.

Now most of the weight is gained during my first pregnancy so after I’ve delivered you can count on me automatically losing about 3 to 4kg from the baby and the placenta and all. Still, that is a small amount compared to the other remaining 35kg I had to lose.

Every time someone asked me what I did and how long I took to lose weight, my answer is always the same – I can share with you what I did but the time it takes to lose it will differ according to your body.

So some of my friends managed to lose weight during their desired time and some took slightly longer. But I’m happy to say that what I shared paid off and they know that I’m not just all talk.

Me at 90kg (225lbs)

This was me after I’ve delivered my first baby. I was 90kg at this point.

This was the heaviest I have been in my life. The reason I wanted to lose weight at this point was because it was getting hard for me to move about. No thanks to my cesarean scar, it was also hard to keep up with my baby’s needs then. I wanted to move faster so I can get things done faster and not keep my son waiting for too long. Also it was frustrating to go clothes shopping because I had to always find a bigger size. As a woman, I’m sure other women would understand, when I say that sometimes I want to get slim fitting clothes to make me feel sexy but it hurts to see myself in the fitting room mirror not being able to squeeze into the top that I like.

This was me after about 2 years.

I managed to maintain my weight once I achieved my desired weight. As I mentioned, it took about 7 months to get this figure and once I see that I was able to lose all the weight (after trying since high school!) I was even more encouraged to keep this figure.

To lose that much of weight in such little time, you would’ve imagine that I went to gym day and night and follow a super strict meal plans.

No one actually believed me when I say that I only did one type of exercise and stick to one diet plan throughout the time I was trying to lose weight.

Thanks to my uncle who managed to lose so much weight and therefore became my living proof, he introduced to me this book – Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type.

This is my bible now.

There isn’t any low-carb high-fiber or all vegie, no meat or other dieting plans that I’ve heard of before. The concept is the simplest to its core – you have to eat the food that is suitable to your blood type for it to burn correctly and boost your metabolism. Food that is not suitable to your blood type will store as fat even though it seems healthy.

For example, bread is good right? I mean with calcium and carbohydrates and all that. But for me, a Type O blood group, my metabolism do not digest the enzymes in bread for it to burn as energy. Instead it stores as fat and becomes saturated into my body, building those unsightly bulges.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

I admit, it was hard for me to the first few weeks because being of type O blood group, there is so much that I can’t eat that I love – dairy products like ice cream and cheese, bread and pasta. I have to stick to a lot of vegetables and red meat. But after several weeks, when the list of food that I can or can’t eat has pretty much stored in my brain, I find it easy for me to control what I eat.

The wonderful thing about this diet plan is that you can eat what is good for your as much as you want (as long as you don’t overdo it, of course!) and you can still eat the food that is not suitable for you but in a very small portion and every once in a while.

What I did was I will follow my blood group diet plan strictly until I start to see some weight loss. For me it took about 6 weeks for my metabolism to reset itself and recognized the food that it can tolerate and not suitable with. After these 6 weeks, I see my weight literally dropped off the scale. My metabolism now has become so efficient that so much so if I were to accidentally gain 1 or 2 kg because I wasn’t watching what I eat, I can simply follow the diet plan again and see that 2kg gone in a matter of days.

I know it sounds to good to be true but there it is.

Truly Dr Peter D’ Adamo‘s diet plan is the simplest yet most effective dieting plan I have ever come across with. I swear by it now that I introduce this book to anyone who talks to me about losing weight.

The book opens with the introduction on your blood type. The enzymes and other information that I will not even attempt to repeat for it is quite scientific and I’m the least bit scientific. But it is written in layman terms so you can understand it easily enough without having to bring out your medical encyclopedia. It explains how your blood system works and how food chemical reacts to your blood and the way food is broken down into energy etc etc etc.

Then it gives specific information about the type of food each blood type can / can’t eat. There foods are grouped according to its composition ie meat & poultry, vegetables & fruits and so on. The tables in which the portions are explained are easy to understand and you can memorize them in no time. Some of the list of food you can / can’t eat is rather extensive but I do not find it to be any trouble because I simply look out for food that I usually eat and see if I can consume them.

The food list lists down all types of food and categorized them into 3 – suitable, neutral and avoid. Suitable, is of course the ones that are best processed by your body and therefore promotes weight loss, neutral doesn’t have any effect on you so you can choose to either take them or not and avoid is the food that will make you gain weight for it will not be broken down by your blood system.

Another great thing provided by the book is that it also lists down the exercises that is suitable according to your blood type. Apparently, not all exercise will help you burn fat effectively albeit still being a good work out for your body. As for me, there are about 20 suitable exercises that will promote the most efficient weight loss and most of them are simple and not rigorous.

I can do yoga, aerobics, cycling, hand combat, swimming or brisk walking. Remember I told you I only did one type of exercise? I choose swimming and I swim as often and for as long as I can. I noticed that I lost about 3 inches from my waist in 2 weeks while I was also on my Type O diet plan. For other blood types, there are some really physical exercises suggested like rock climbing and martial art but the great thing is, there are also other types of exercise that is suitable for you so you can pick and choose what you want to do or mix and match the types of exercises according to your schedule or preferences.

And that’s it.

I keep this up for about 7 months and I managed to be at 56kg.

And since I know how effective this diet plan is and also because my metabolism rate has increased and very efficient, I have my Cheat Day. Usually my Cheat Day is on weekend because that’s when I usually go out with Mohen so on that day I can eat whatever I want despite my diet plan. Because Monday onward, I will be back on the diet plan again. So once you have managed to get the weight that you want, you can afford to be slightly less strict with yourself because for me, I love my food so I still want to pig out sometimes!

I shall get back in shape soon enough!

Now I’m 75kg after my second pregnancy but I have no worry on how to lose all that weight because I know I have a diet plan that works.

So go get yourself the book and start to get the figure you’ve always wanted!

Posted in Motherhood

This Might Be Why

I think by now a lot of people know that I love to read. I mean, it’s one of the things that people notice about me. So naturally when I got pregnant and going through a phase as important as pregnancy, I read up on as much as I can. One of the books that has become my bible is the timeless What To Expect When You’re Expecting. My mom read it when she was carrying me, I read it when I was carrying Eros and I’ve told all my expecting friends to get this book and so far none has not send me a thank you note for introducing the great book to them.

So when I started feeling different, depressed or moody, I always read up on why these changes are happening to me. I can know that there is something different with me because I’ve always been attuned to my body and the way I feel. By reading up on them, I simply put a name to my condition so I know what I’m going through.

When I was carrying Eros, I didn’t have much pregnancy maladies except for occasional weepy episodes during the first trimester when my body was getting used to having a baby growing inside it. I was not moody but I sure was emotional over every little thing. I cried over someone voted out on American Idol, I cried reading a touching excerpt someone posted on the Internet, I cried when Mohen didn’t call me during his usual break time, I cried when he doesn’t talk to me before he goes to bed, I cried because he was talking to me because I felt so annoyed with voices – I cried over everything.

Me pregnant at 32weeks and 3days with my first.

But as soon as the first trimester was over, I was the epitome of beautiful pregnancy. I enjoyed every single bit of being pregnant with my first baby. Despite gaining so much weight, I felt every bit sexy and beautiful. I love how my skin was glowing and how glossy my hair is.

I thought if this is how great pregnancy is, I wouldn’t mind doing it at all! I was, of course, rather apprehensive when we knew we were pregnant but I thought if I don’t do it now, I would have to do it 5 years down the road. And during my first pregnancy, I was glad that I decide to stay pregnant.

At the time I was about to deliver Eros, I was 245lbs (98kg), which means I gained about 95lbs (38kg) throughout the 9months. I know it was way too much but my appetite was blooming when I was carrying Eros and I ate nothing but dairy, sandwiches, fresh cut fruits, yogurts, ice creams, muesli bars and fruit juices.

Even with my body as large as a Hindenburg I wasn’t feeling fat at all. I felt

36weeks pregnant. Minutes before going into operation room.

fabulous. I felt how I feel pregnant moms supposed to be, what more with me being a first-time mother. Sure people thought I gained a tremendous amount of weight but mostly put it on me being pregnant so I don’t feel anything wrong with it either.

After all the fuss of delivering and welcoming a newborn, I started telling myself that I need to lose weight. I need to seriously shed this pounds that I’ve gained so much during pregnancy.

It wasn’t hard for me because I really wanted to do it. So unlike my previous stints in dieting, I stuck to this routine and manage to slowly lose weight. It was great to see how I can finally fit into my old jeans again and feeling how the ones I bought right after delivery was starting to slip off my waist.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

One of the main reasons I wanted to lose all those weight was because I can literally feel how hard it was for me to move about swiftly. Especially when I have a baby to take care of. Although I didn’t drop to my old size overnight, it didn’t affect my confidence at all.

I was still very happy over being a new mom, having a great partner in taking care both me and our son and I still feel beautiful if not sexier.

The acme of my weight-loss regime was when I was able to bring down my weight lower than I was before I was pregnant with Eros. It has always been my proudest achievement when friends asked me how much weight I lost because it was so obvious I was much skinnier than I ever was.

I mean, ever since a little girl, I’ve always been that chubby one. Skinny and me is like water and oil. Everyone who knows me will describe me as “that bubbly and loud chubby girl” when they talk about me to others.

But not anymore. During my adult life (pre-pregnancy), the “lowest” weight I’ve ever been at was at 150lbs (60kg). After having my first baby, I was so into losing weight and enjoyed seeing my body getting smaller, I managed to bring myself to 140lbs (56kg).

Proud of my new figure!

Now being pregnant for the second time, I learnt the hard way that it wasn’t as rainbows and butterflies as it was with my first one.

We were pregnant the second time after I’ve resigned from my job. I decided it was about time I focus on my family’s well-being and Eros’ development as I was doing 17hours daily at the office and hardly get to be with my son except on weekends. I think we conceived Sophia about 4 months after I’ve resigned and since I’m at home and Mohen is doing pretty well, we decided to keep the baby.

I was excited to feel all glowing and beautiful again after almost 3 years not being pregnant. What I wasn’t prepared for, or even thought of was that when I was pregnant with Eros, there wasn’t any other child to take care of, there wasn’t much laundry to be done, there wasn’t much meals need to be prepared, there wasn’t any spilled milk to clean up or breadcrumbs to dust.

Sadly, with this second pregnancy, I am feeling anything but pretty.

To be honest, I feel fat, ugly, unattractive and sometimes I think I smell.

I don’t know if it’s the feeling of now being domesticated at home has left me feeling as such but the sunshine and happiness of pregnancy that was so abundant in my first one was sure absent with this second one. I mean, sure there were times when I feel absolutely great and to some extent pretty but it wasn’t as often as I did with my first pregnancy.

I was really proud with how much weight I lost.

Most of the times I’m stressful and perhaps bordering on depression. I felt so alone, that I had to do everything on my own. Especially with Mohen at work, I felt like I had to be pregnant and take care of Eros as well. I know it’s not an onus job because every mother of a second child does it so I know I wouldn’t die doing it. There was once or twice in which I thought I felt suicidal but of course I brushed the thought off immediately because I couldn’t possibly imagine leaving Eros behind just because I was depressed.

It’s all probably hormonal imbalance, especially with so many things to do at home while I’m pregnant and me feeling unattractive. And I think the reason why I feel unattractive is that I don’t go out as much as I did when I was working, there is not much need for me to do my hair up all the time and wear make up from morning to night.

Although I do dress up sometimes just to make me feel pretty and look good when Mohen comes home, I don’t need to be doing it everyday. I just make sure that I always look presentable, clean and smell good when he’s home. Other than that all my power suits and mini skirts and satin blouses are just hanging there in the closet.

You may think it’s shallow for me to feel this way but as a woman, especially one that gained so much weight and then managed to lose it into a figure that she wanted and was happy with and then gained weight again no matter what the reason is, I feel it’s a big enough reason for me to feel depressed. Sure I’m aware of all the bodily changes in the third trimester but somehow I felt like I wasn’t quite satisfied having a figure I worked hard for long enough before I was pregnant again.

I don't feel attractive at all with this second pregnancy. And I think it shows on my face how I feel.

Most of the times I’m just sad that my body changed so much so rapidly when it took me long to lose all the weight I’ve gain in my first pregnancy. Perhaps it teaches me now not to gain so much weight when pregnant but I can’t help how much I put on. Although I can control what I eat but I’ve always love to eat and I love to eat more when I’m pregnant. Sigh..

I’m not in anyway regretting being pregnant but I wished it didn’t bug me so much about gaining weight again. My mom feels I’m superficial for letting such trivial thing to bug me and cause me all these frustration but I can’t say that I can be as indifferent to it as she can. Her argument is always that I should be grateful that at least I’m pregnant where there’s a lot of people who wants to be pregnant but can’t. I know this but to hear it and feel as low as I am, it just makes me feel worse.

I’m annoyed that I get more stretchmarks now than I did before, I’m frustrated that my hair isn’t as glossy as it was when I was pregnant the first time.

I know I have a chance to lose weight again after this but you can’t blame me for thinking that these might be why I’m so easily frustrated and feeling depressed with this pregnancy.

Then again, maybe my mom is right. I shouldn’t let such thing bother me so much and concentrate on the baby instead.

I shall get back in shape soon enough!