Posted in Parenting, Relationship

My Online Published Article

Okay, I know this is probably nothing but I got my first online published article last night!

I follow this blog on writing – Writing Hood; and one of the posts by the blogger was about blogging sites that pay and (most importantly) are not scams. He has a lot of sites recommended but there are only a few that I can sign up for being a non-US citizen.

One of the sites that I registered for is Helium. I like the site because it allows you to write on what you want to and gives you the platform to write about what you know.

Most of the articles are factual and categorized accordingly. You can choose to write in whichever category you know best. If your article is accepted by the publisher you will get paid but if it doesn’t, your article is still published online, therefore making it available for search results in the category you are writing.

For me, what I love about it is that, the more I write the more my articles get posted online, it increases the traffic to my profile as a Helium author and sooner or later I’ll get recognized in my own way. Whether I get paid or not is another point in terms of how ambitious I am in getting paid for writing but as for me and as for now, I love just seeing my name on a link on an online site.

Here’s what I wrote and do tell me what you think!

Helium – What Husbands Need To Know About Pregnancy

Posted in Marriage, Motherhood, Relationship

But You’re Pregnant…

If you’ve read my post about sex during pregnancy, then you would know how I feel about it.

If you haven’t, I suggest you read it first before continuing with this one. Your Mileage May Differ may give you an idea on how I feel about sex while being pregnant.

But what I have never really talked about is what happens to Mohen or what he is going through while I’m pregnant.

A pregnant woman

I don’t pretend to know because most of the times, well, he doesn’t tell me.

Unless I make him talk about it, then I would get a glimpse of what he’s thinking or feeling. As much as we are able to talk to each other about anything, it is sometimes hard to get Mohen to talk because he’s such a private person, even with me.

As it was with my other pregnancies, we are going through that stage where sex is getting far and between.

Now that I’ve been pregnant often enough to know what Mohen’s reactions are at this stage, I am more relaxed and tend not to overreact when he says no. I said in the post mentioned above that I expected him to understand how I behave sexually during pregnancy since we’ve gone through that stage several times.

But our relationship is so much better now that I know what to expect and respect his sexual behavior during the time I’m pregnant. I can’t believe it takes us 3 pregnancies to actually mutually understand each other’s sexual behavior. You would think sex is just sex and what’s so complicated about it.

However, there is another part of this stage that makes me really uncomfortable.

Because sex between us now is less often, Mohen sometimes, well, find another outlet to release his sexual urges.

I don’t think many men would be surprised to know if I say that Mohen sometimes masturbate instead of making love to me and I think many women would understand why it makes me uncomfortable.

I have read enough to understand that even though a man has a healthy and robust sex life, he still masturbates from time to time. It is a natural thing to do and there is nothing wrong with it at all.

But for a woman, to know that your partner masturbates when you are readily available for sex whenever he needs it, is almost as bad as being cheated on.

It’s ridiculous, of course. Even I can tell.

Because with cheating it would mean that they are sleeping with another person. And this is not even a person we’re talking about. It is still a body part that belongs to your partner so how on Earth can that be considered cheating?

We don’t know why or how and we can’t explain it either.

All we know is when we find out that our partner masturbates, especially when we are pregnant, it makes us feel ugly, unattractive, cheated and to some extend, maybe even betrayed.

As for me, I didn’t feel all that but it did make me feel useless.

Even when I’m not pregnant, I know that Mohen sometimes masturbate because well, simply put, he is a man.

In fact, we talked about it before and we both know that he does it sometimes.

I am completely fine with it and he is completely comfortable with the fact that I know he does it. And I have always been proud about us because we are able to know, understand and accept each other’s sexual behavior without being defensive or difficult about it.

It’s just that to know that it happens when I’m pregnant, is just, devastating.

I know that he does it because he has the urges while I’m going through one of many pregnancy woes and he doesn’t want to hurt me further.

In fact, I should be happy that he is sensitive to what I am going through and respects my pregnant body and understands the pain enough to not be selfish and make advances on me anyway.

And I know it’s ridiculous for me to feel useless when Mohen chooses to masturbate instead of making love to me because he is being considerate.

I know he knows he can make love to me whenever he wants because sex during pregnancy was never ruled out by our ob-gyn since both me and our baby are healthy but I don’t know why the thought of him masturbating when I’m pregnant just bothers me so much. You would think it should bother me more when I’m not pregnant because sex shouldn’t be a problem at all then but it really does bug me more during pregnancy.

I guess it’s just the hormones and the bulging belly and the constant back pain and the frequent toilet trips that makes me feel bothered.

He always says that I might feel fine for sex before the sex but I might feel the pain after it and then he would feel guilty for going ahead with it and it will stressed him out. I know he is right but at the same time I hate that we’re not taking the risk to give a sex a go because for all we know, I might still feel fine after it. And Mohen’s argument will always be, What if you won’t?

Sometimes I think I’m just being selfish about my own need without considering that Mohen is saying no not to me, but to the situation that I’m going through. Just because we always have sex like a bunch of college kids doesn’t mean we can’t hang in there for a few weeks until we get through this pregnancy. Especially now I’m already at 35 weeks.

I don’t even know why I’m talking about this.

Maybe it’s more about me wanting to get over this pregnancy rather than being bothered about what Mohen does when he can’t make love to me.

But I am after all 35 weeks pregnant. I tend to get emotional and snappy about everything.

Posted in Motherhood

The Science of Poo

When I left blogging, I just had a baby and couldn’t really find the time to write.

Now I’m pregnant. Again. 6 months to be precise.

Of course no one expected me to be expecting this soon but yeah, with all the contraceptive pills you can take and all the rubber you can put on, those things don’t always work.

I didn’t really freak out when I knew I was pregnant as much as I freaked out when I found out I was with child when I had my second baby. I guess because I’m still in that baby mode where my daughter is still little so everything is still in its momentum. Mohen didn’t freak out either. Well, if he is or did, he didn’t show it enough for me to notice.

This time when I was pregnant with my second, I was already hyperventilating about how on earth would I handle two kids? A toddler and a newborn no less (I think you might be able to find a post on this somewhere on my page). And now we’re actually talking about a toddler, a one year old AND a newborn.

I mean, how is that going to ever work?

To be honest, I don’t feel so nervous or scared about handling 3 small kids at one time. What I’m actually worried about is how my obsession for perfection will sometimes get in the way and ruin the whole thing.

In the past 3 years, I have learnt to put aside my perfectionist side and be more lax when handling kids. I know when to get angry, I know when to laugh, I know when to roll my eyes when my son spilled the milk onto the floor, I know when to pull my hair when my daughter started tugging on my skirt while I try to set the table for dinner.

It’s pretty much like how you know your kids.

Sure, there’re still a lot more of them I need and will learn. I mean, we’re only talking about the first 3 years of their lives. What about when they go to school or hit puberty? What about when they started talking about having boyfriends and girlfriends? What about the time when they started to suppose hate me for everything I do? There’s a heck of a lot more to come, but so far, let’s just talk about the toddler years.

I’m not sure about all mothers, but I believe by the time your kid hit their first birthday, we can pretty much tell a lot about them having spent so many hours with them. I wouldn’t say this is exclusive for SHAMs (Stay At Home Moms) just because, well, they’re at home. I know some FTWMs (Full Time Working Moms) who are close and understand their kids just as well as SHAMs do.

It’s what my mother calls The Science of Poo – if you can tell your kid’s health by the smell and color of their poo, you’re all right.

Yes, yes, squirm or gag all you want but being a mother taught me to not be disgusted by the usual disgusting things that grossed out anyone with the average tolerance of foul smell and all things eww.

It is a good thing that I’m not squirmish to start with and I don’t get that turned off by gross things. So when having a baby and having to be up to my elbows in soiled diapers and spit up and puke don’t stressed me out. I’m not like some people that recoil at the mention of the word vomit or poo.

Having majored in, well if you may, The Science of Poop, I’m more relaxed in knowing that I am again pregnant and soon will be with a newborn again, just as I was 12 months ago.

Am I tired? Sure. Will I not do this if I have it the other way? I can’t honestly say.

I was after all on birth control. So I wasn’t looking forward to have another baby so soon but there you go. I did get knocked up again and to be honest, I am happy with this third surprise pregnancy. I realized and understand now that pregnancy, although it’s something that you can try to plan, it’ll always takes your breath away and when it does, it’s a great feeling.

As for the poo, let’s just say I graduated with flying colors.

Someone told me that happy kids are testimonies to how well the mommy is doing. I couldn’t agree more.
Look at how contented my kids are.
Posted in General, Motherhood

How I Lost 40kg In 7 Months

Okay so maybe not exactly 7 months.

I don’t really know how long it was for me to lose 40kg but I know it didn’t take me that long to do it. 7 months is the rough estimation because there were times that I lagged in my regime that instead of losing weight sooner, I extended the period.

Now that’s out of the way, I want to share what I did to lose 40kg.

Now most of the weight is gained during my first pregnancy so after I’ve delivered you can count on me automatically losing about 3 to 4kg from the baby and the placenta and all. Still, that is a small amount compared to the other remaining 35kg I had to lose.

Every time someone asked me what I did and how long I took to lose weight, my answer is always the same – I can share with you what I did but the time it takes to lose it will differ according to your body.

So some of my friends managed to lose weight during their desired time and some took slightly longer. But I’m happy to say that what I shared paid off and they know that I’m not just all talk.

Me at 90kg (225lbs)

This was me after I’ve delivered my first baby. I was 90kg at this point.

This was the heaviest I have been in my life. The reason I wanted to lose weight at this point was because it was getting hard for me to move about. No thanks to my cesarean scar, it was also hard to keep up with my baby’s needs then. I wanted to move faster so I can get things done faster and not keep my son waiting for too long. Also it was frustrating to go clothes shopping because I had to always find a bigger size. As a woman, I’m sure other women would understand, when I say that sometimes I want to get slim fitting clothes to make me feel sexy but it hurts to see myself in the fitting room mirror not being able to squeeze into the top that I like.

This was me after about 2 years.

I managed to maintain my weight once I achieved my desired weight. As I mentioned, it took about 7 months to get this figure and once I see that I was able to lose all the weight (after trying since high school!) I was even more encouraged to keep this figure.

To lose that much of weight in such little time, you would’ve imagine that I went to gym day and night and follow a super strict meal plans.

No one actually believed me when I say that I only did one type of exercise and stick to one diet plan throughout the time I was trying to lose weight.

Thanks to my uncle who managed to lose so much weight and therefore became my living proof, he introduced to me this book – Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type.

This is my bible now.

There isn’t any low-carb high-fiber or all vegie, no meat or other dieting plans that I’ve heard of before. The concept is the simplest to its core – you have to eat the food that is suitable to your blood type for it to burn correctly and boost your metabolism. Food that is not suitable to your blood type will store as fat even though it seems healthy.

For example, bread is good right? I mean with calcium and carbohydrates and all that. But for me, a Type O blood group, my metabolism do not digest the enzymes in bread for it to burn as energy. Instead it stores as fat and becomes saturated into my body, building those unsightly bulges.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

I admit, it was hard for me to the first few weeks because being of type O blood group, there is so much that I can’t eat that I love – dairy products like ice cream and cheese, bread and pasta. I have to stick to a lot of vegetables and red meat. But after several weeks, when the list of food that I can or can’t eat has pretty much stored in my brain, I find it easy for me to control what I eat.

The wonderful thing about this diet plan is that you can eat what is good for your as much as you want (as long as you don’t overdo it, of course!) and you can still eat the food that is not suitable for you but in a very small portion and every once in a while.

What I did was I will follow my blood group diet plan strictly until I start to see some weight loss. For me it took about 6 weeks for my metabolism to reset itself and recognized the food that it can tolerate and not suitable with. After these 6 weeks, I see my weight literally dropped off the scale. My metabolism now has become so efficient that so much so if I were to accidentally gain 1 or 2 kg because I wasn’t watching what I eat, I can simply follow the diet plan again and see that 2kg gone in a matter of days.

I know it sounds to good to be true but there it is.

Truly Dr Peter D’ Adamo‘s diet plan is the simplest yet most effective dieting plan I have ever come across with. I swear by it now that I introduce this book to anyone who talks to me about losing weight.

The book opens with the introduction on your blood type. The enzymes and other information that I will not even attempt to repeat for it is quite scientific and I’m the least bit scientific. But it is written in layman terms so you can understand it easily enough without having to bring out your medical encyclopedia. It explains how your blood system works and how food chemical reacts to your blood and the way food is broken down into energy etc etc etc.

Then it gives specific information about the type of food each blood type can / can’t eat. There foods are grouped according to its composition ie meat & poultry, vegetables & fruits and so on. The tables in which the portions are explained are easy to understand and you can memorize them in no time. Some of the list of food you can / can’t eat is rather extensive but I do not find it to be any trouble because I simply look out for food that I usually eat and see if I can consume them.

The food list lists down all types of food and categorized them into 3 – suitable, neutral and avoid. Suitable, is of course the ones that are best processed by your body and therefore promotes weight loss, neutral doesn’t have any effect on you so you can choose to either take them or not and avoid is the food that will make you gain weight for it will not be broken down by your blood system.

Another great thing provided by the book is that it also lists down the exercises that is suitable according to your blood type. Apparently, not all exercise will help you burn fat effectively albeit still being a good work out for your body. As for me, there are about 20 suitable exercises that will promote the most efficient weight loss and most of them are simple and not rigorous.

I can do yoga, aerobics, cycling, hand combat, swimming or brisk walking. Remember I told you I only did one type of exercise? I choose swimming and I swim as often and for as long as I can. I noticed that I lost about 3 inches from my waist in 2 weeks while I was also on my Type O diet plan. For other blood types, there are some really physical exercises suggested like rock climbing and martial art but the great thing is, there are also other types of exercise that is suitable for you so you can pick and choose what you want to do or mix and match the types of exercises according to your schedule or preferences.

And that’s it.

I keep this up for about 7 months and I managed to be at 56kg.

And since I know how effective this diet plan is and also because my metabolism rate has increased and very efficient, I have my Cheat Day. Usually my Cheat Day is on weekend because that’s when I usually go out with Mohen so on that day I can eat whatever I want despite my diet plan. Because Monday onward, I will be back on the diet plan again. So once you have managed to get the weight that you want, you can afford to be slightly less strict with yourself because for me, I love my food so I still want to pig out sometimes!

I shall get back in shape soon enough!

Now I’m 75kg after my second pregnancy but I have no worry on how to lose all that weight because I know I have a diet plan that works.

So go get yourself the book and start to get the figure you’ve always wanted!

Posted in Parenting

Bringing Home Sophia

When the doctor gave us Sophia’s due as 8th November, I was wondering if she could make it to 11.11.11 instead. I know it’s overdue but I was secretly hoping she would make it to that date. I read up on overdue pregnancies as much as possible just to know that there is no real harm in it and how naturally it occurs in majority of pregnancies.

When on November 10th I noticed reduced fetal movements, I told Mohen that we should go and check it out because Sophia has always been super active ever since I felt the first flutter. Sure enough the doctor said I had to be admitted and induced as soon as possible as the decrease in fetal movement is noticeable.

I didn’t panic but was getting very nervous because to be honest, whether or not I make it to 11.11.11 is not important anymore. I just want to make sure she is out and safe.

This time around, it was quite trying for me and Mohen because due to short of bed availability, I had to be transferred and referred to another hospital other than the one we chose to deliver in. We had to wait for almost 2 hours before any confirmation is given to us as to which hospital we can go to to have our baby. I was close to tears not because I was in pain, but because I didn’t want Sophia to be born under desperate or emergency situations.

We finally got admitted to the next available hospital at 5pm, 10th November.

The doctors went through all the necessary check ups again and sent me right up to the maternity ward. Sophia was put on CTG every other hour to monitor her heartbeat since it’s hard to track her movements. I know she is fine but I can’t help but feel the doctor is going to deliver me that night.

Finally one of the nurses said the doctor will induce labor on me the next morning for her heartbeat is doing fine and they can still detect normal fetal movement albeit reduced, but not dire enough to cause for an emergency labor.  I don’t think I’ve slept as well as I did that night after she told me that. So maybe after all we can get that 11.11.11.

First thing next morning the doctor induced me with prostaglandin at 8.15am. I had to be monitored for cervix dilation every 6 hours. It will introduce contractions and softens the cervix.


The only thing that I should probably tell you is that I have no idea how contractions feels. Having a planned cesarean for the first delivery and being 2 weeks early from my due date, I had no experience in the real contractions. Sure those Braxton-Hicks dropped by every other day but that was nothing compared to the real contractions, I heard.

So I was very apprehensive about how should I feel. At 2pm, after lunch, that tell-tale abdomen cramps came. It started at the lower part of my abdomen, just right below the belly button. But I could still sit up and walk around. I noted the time and soon came to notice that those cramps were 10minutes apart.

Still I gritted my teeth and waited for the pain to come because if this is bearable, it shouldn’t be the real ones since the labor contractions will make me feel like putting my fist through a wall.

2.30pm the doctor came to check my cervix. Now, I’m quite all right with doctors putting things into my vagina for I’m not that squeamish about it but I don’t know if it was because I was already in pain or because this doctor is rough but when his fingers touched my cervix, I actually let out a scream. My buttocks were lifted off the bed and my fingers clenched.

Then what was waiting for me dawned on me almost cruelly.

As the day progressed, the contractions were getting more intense and soon by 7pm I was having 2 contractions every five minutes. Previously, I asked my mother what contractions feel like and she said she could not describe it because it had to be felt to be understood.

She cannot be more right.

As much as I would like to think that I am good with words, I can’t describe it here how contractions feel. I can’t put it words and I have been thinking and rewriting the sentence for almost 8 times before I realized I can’t put it into words.

But I can tell you how I was.

I started crying for I can’t believe how painful it was. I didn’t even realized that I managed to doze off to sleep in between contractions for when it comes, it drained so much of my energy. It was like I’ve been woken up with a hard kick when the next contraction hit. I woke up moaning and tossing and curling into a ball over the pain.

I called Mohen when the doctor said it’s about time he was with me. He had to go to work because earlier on, the doctor said if I didn’t dilate any further, they will insert another dose of prostaglandin the next day. My second VE (vagina effacement) check was at 6.20pm and I was only at 1cm but the pain was already getting unbearable. I could barely speak on the phone when I asked Mohen to come.

I think I managed to breathe out 4 words to him – doctor, you, come, now. The next thing I know Mohen was right with me. Now, the hospital and his office is about 50 minutes away (it was that far we got to be transferred due to beds availability) and the speed in which he arrived at the hospital made me shudder now to think about how fast he must’ve drove to get to me.

To be honest, the next few hours seem to be a blur to me.

I remember few nurses came and went, checking here, probing there. I heard voices telling me to be patient, fingers being inserted inside my vagina, needles into my vein and yet nothing made sense. All I wanted was the pain to be over. As much as I wanted a normal delivery (refer post Try Next Exit), I finally begin to realize that I might not be strong enough to endure the pain.

I think at 11pm the nurses finally told me that they are going to bring me to the labor room because I have dilated about 5cm. Even so I think I remembered one of them said that they have to wait for me to dilate more before I can really go for the big push. I swore to God that had it not been for Mohen holding my hands, I would’ve reached over and gave her a slap. I don’t know why they would want me to wait longer when the doctor specifically told me earlier this morning during my VE check that they would’ve to operate me if I was in excruciating pain. Well, I think I was in excruciating pain at that time, thank you very much.

I kept asking the doctor to just operate me because I really truly couldn’t take the pain anymore. He said something about doing some assessment and some other nonsense I can’t make out. Then I heard he said he was going to rupture my waterbag. To be honest I couldn’t care less if he said he was going to cut off my leg because I thought my stomach was going to explode in pain and my previous cesarean cut was pulsating with extreme pain that I thought it might just tear open and let my guts out.

When the warm feeling of amniotic liquid flowed after my waterbag was ruptured, I felt this sudden need to push. Like my stomach was contracting on its own without me having to do anything. I lifted my head and gave one of the hardest thrusts in my life. I think I could’ve broken one of Mohen’s fingers had I not let go after a few seconds. It was amazing because every part of my lower body hurt except my vagina. I felt it opened as wide as a tunnel but it did not hurt. I don’t even know how was it possible but my stomach, my arms, my legs felt like they were ran over by a truck.

The doctor was telling me not to push because he didn’t want me to tear anything before I was ready but I kept telling him that it wasn’t as if I purposely push the baby out. It was my body telling me to. I think I gave about 6 pushes altogether before the doctor finally said he was going to go for an emergency cesarean.

At this point, as much I felt relieved because I know I will not feel the contractions anymore, I felt extremely disappointed in myself. Like I have failed as a woman to endure birthing pain. I went through 9 months of mental and physical preparation for a vaginal birth only to give up at the end. I can’t believe how weak I was and I can’t believe that I would give up. When they wheeled me to the operation room, they might’ve mistaken my slightly calm demeanor due to me knowing that I will be operated and not because of how disappointed and embarrassed I was.

I know that I could’ve probably given normal birth if I wait for another dose of prostaglandin and for my cervix to dilate further but still, I can’t be sure. I could still not dilate, I could still be in extreme pain for more hours and then still be operated for emergency cesarean.

It’s just that I can’t help but feel that I should’ve held on longer.

Sophia came out perfect and fine. She weighed 2.765kg. I looked at her now and feel that whatever pain that I went through was worth it. Just sometimes I feel that I should’ve fought for her more.

Sophia Erana Mohen, born 11.11.11 at 11.57pm

The doctor told us that because I already went through 2 cesarean, we would’ve to wait at least 5 years before having our next child. And if we do plan to have another one, I would’ve to go through cesarean again.

To be honest, it’s not that I don’t like the prospect of another child. I don’t think I’ve recovered enough from the disappointment I put myself through to even consider conceiving again. It would be great to feel pregnant again. But I know when I’m about to deliver that next one, I would remember how I felt with Sophia and I don’t think I can forgive myself for failing myself that way.

Still, it’s something too early to think about. I might change how I feel and become stronger and have all this behind me but I can’t be sure.

The only thing I’m sure now is that Sophia is healthy and I will have a great time seeing her grow and turn into a lady and woman herself.

Posted in Parenting

Try Next Exit

Even with my first baby, I have prepared myself for a normal delivery.

I’ve done as much as I could to ease and promote normal delivery, like Kegel exercise and perineum massage. I know that normal delivery is painful (now, that is probably an understatement) and most mothers now opt for cesarean but it’s something that I want to feel and I feel very strongly about this.

Some of my friends opt for cesarean because they don’t want the vaginal area to get roomier after a normal delivery. Some do not want to go through the pain and couldn’t imagine having to feel such excruciating pain known to (wo)men. And mostly because emergency cesarean had to be performed.

My water broke about 2 weeks before my due. And even after inducing labor, my cervix didn’t dilate at all since it’s still not mature for delivery. Since I’ve been induced for almost 8 hours, the doctor decided to perform an emergency cesarean for me. I was really disappointed because I have set my mind for a normal delivery even though we find out that I had Group B-Strep (GBS) during my 32nd week of pregnancy. With this, my practitioner already advised that he’s not going to risk normal delivery if situation doesn’t allow it. I took this openly enough, hoping to all hopes that I will be able to deliver normally.

So now with my second baby due any time, I still want to go for a normal delivery. Somehow, I feel that with normal delivery, I will feel like a complete woman.

I don’t know if this makes sense but it’s a sense primal instinct that I feel when I’m pregnant. It’s as though it will complete this cycle of me as a woman.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience for a woman.

There used to be a time where the adage “once a cesarean, always a cesarean” applied to women who has had cesarean. This was also one of the things that prevent me from wanting a cesarean because although I do not plan to breed a soccer team, I would like to think that I will have at least one chance of normal delivery with the children I’m going to bear Mohen.

Naturally, this time around, I read as much as I can on VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

During my prenatal visits, I discussed with my practitioner about having normal delivery. She explained to me in detail the risk of VBAC and why it’s risky for those who has had cesarean. Although it sound harmless enough (1% of rupture risk), she was serious and stressed on the point that I need to thoroughly understand the risk.

I don’t know much about medical but 1% can’t be that bad, can it?

Apparently it can.

Since my uterine muscles have been cut before, it creates a point of weakness, even though it was proven to fully heal. These muscles, during contractions, can stretch and distort and this is the cause of the rupture. As much, or as little, as 1% sounds, muscle rupture is never something to take lightly about. It can be messy to repair and the pain will probably last me for years.

Again, I don’t know how I feel about this.

Of course at the end of the day, the most important thing is to deliver Sophia safe and sound and to have her healthy, no matter which method of delivery it is. My practitioner advised me that I shouldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way of the baby’s condition. I know this already but at the back of my mind, I feel scared if one cesarean follows another, wouldn’t that keep my uterine muscles always at it’s weakest and ruin the chance of me having a normal delivery?

My mother had a normal delivery exactly 2 years after her first cesarean.

It’s almost 3 years after my cesarean and I should be fine. Still, my current practitioner will not push for me to be in labor for too long for fear of scar rupture. She said 8 hours is all she’s giving me and if I exceed that, it will be another cesarean for me.

8 hours sounds like too short a time for me to be in labor before being wheeled into the operation room. I thought labor lasts for hours on end and sometimes more than a day. I know that every labor and birth is different even for the same woman but I can’t help but worry.

I know I shouldn’t worry.

It’s not in my hands to finally decide how I give birth.

But I just really hope I will be able to feel what normal delivery is like, even for just this one time.

Posted in Motherhood

The Last Lap. Again.

Runners will run their last lap with any last ounce of energy and speed they have in them to win the race.

That, is of course, easier said than done in my case. Not that I have any intention of doing any running at this stage. I can hardly get out of bed without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes, thank you very much.

But with less than 2 weeks to go, it does feel like running the last lap where the finishing line is just there at the end of the horizon that you can almost feel yourself collapsing after you’ve crossed it. I can see the labor room, the bustling nurses and sound of electronic beeping coming from machines and whatnot and the highly anticipated shrill cry of the prize after the race – the baby.

Sophia is doing well and progressing as she should during her gestation. There weren’t as many complications as Eros’ was and there were less false alarm scares with her.

But then I think it’s because it’s the second time around for me, I don’t know.

Other than knowing pretty much what to expect, I don’t freak out that often when a stomachache spell lasted more than 20minutes or that my back feel like someone just put a sledgehammer right through it or that I feel drowsy all of a sudden and there’s this burning itch in my chest that just won’t go away.

Eros on the day he was born.

My previous last lap was nerve-wrecking with every other slight cramp is timed and recorded. I tread each step with care and watch out for any sign at all that indicate the baby is ready. At the point, no matter how much I’ve read on being prepared, I have no idea what to expect.

Sure the book explain which part of your body will feel the pain and how the pain is like but it didn’t and couldn’t possible make you feel the pain. So I can only imagine what it would be like. So nervous I was at that time, I was even scared to go to the toilet just in case I mistake my bowel movement for labor.

It’s a heck a lot more relaxed this time around, I’m glad to say.

Even Mohen is not a bundle of nerves. He was calm enough during our first time and when my water broke, he didn’t panic and took me to the hospital serenely enough. I don’t know if he was going wild inside to keep himself from freaking out as well but thanks to him, I was relaxed and didn’t panic.

I think he did that for me, even if he was panicking. I mean, he must’ve felt something as well. He can’t be all that cool and composed over the birth of his first child, can he? Either he wants to jump for joy or pace the floor incessantly, he kept it under wraps. He was there for me the way he was expected to and handled everything else other than the birth for me like how he was meant to.

As I write this, I have never really thought about it then.

Eros is a natural with the camera even at 2 days old.

I was so wrapped up in delivering and having Eros that I think I didn’t really thank Mohen for being there for me. We were together at every step of the way but I didn’t take the time to really say how glad I was to have him around.

I know he gave without asking anything in return but I must remember to thank him when I see him tonight when he comes back from work. We are going through this again very soon and I don’t want him to think that I don’t appreciate him being around or doing anything he can to make me feel better.

We have yet to get much of Sophia’s things ready, to be honest. Other than the things that are still very usable from Eros’ time, we’re only going to get more items for her next week.

And I don’t feel bad about it. Hang on – I mean, I feel bad to some extent, thinking that we don’t go all out to get everything new for Sophia the way we did for Eros but with so many things still can be used and knowing what to expect and get for a newborn, I’m surprised at how relaxed we are this time around.

I think this is what my mother meant when she says you get better with each children. You make all the mistakes you can with the first, you do a couple more with the next and correct yourself as more children comes along and finally get the idea of what the hell is going on with the last one.

Our first glimpse of Sophia.

For me, with Sophia, I would like to think that we are more prepared and mature to receive her.

I feel that she would be in better hands now that I know what breastfeeding is, how much a baby can poop, how to make a newborn feel better if she is colicky or understand the tone of her voice when she cries or whimpers.

I feel good to know that I am not as scared now as I was with Eros. I’m happy to realize that this time around I can look for signs of post-partum depression, having to go through one with my first baby. I’m glad now that I don’t feel awkward being up to my elbows with diapers and vomit and enjoy to be doing it at that for I realized those things didn’t matter when you’re bringing up a person into this world.

Deep inside, I think Mohen feels the same way about being a parent. Sure he has less domestic worries like I do because he has to think about finances now that there are more mouths to feed but I’m certain he’s looking forward to feel like a father to a newborn again.

I may not be running to my finishing line but I’m sure as hell getting there fast.

Bringing Eros into this world was one of the best things Mohen and I have ever done.