Posted in General, Motherhood

How I Lost 40kg In 7 Months

Okay so maybe not exactly 7 months.

I don’t really know how long it was for me to lose 40kg but I know it didn’t take me that long to do it. 7 months is the rough estimation because there were times that I lagged in my regime that instead of losing weight sooner, I extended the period.

Now that’s out of the way, I want to share what I did to lose 40kg.

Now most of the weight is gained during my first pregnancy so after I’ve delivered you can count on me automatically losing about 3 to 4kg from the baby and the placenta and all. Still, that is a small amount compared to the other remaining 35kg I had to lose.

Every time someone asked me what I did and how long I took to lose weight, my answer is always the same – I can share with you what I did but the time it takes to lose it will differ according to your body.

So some of my friends managed to lose weight during their desired time and some took slightly longer. But I’m happy to say that what I shared paid off and they know that I’m not just all talk.

Me at 90kg (225lbs)

This was me after I’ve delivered my first baby. I was 90kg at this point.

This was the heaviest I have been in my life. The reason I wanted to lose weight at this point was because it was getting hard for me to move about. No thanks to my cesarean scar, it was also hard to keep up with my baby’s needs then. I wanted to move faster so I can get things done faster and not keep my son waiting for too long. Also it was frustrating to go clothes shopping because I had to always find a bigger size. As a woman, I’m sure other women would understand, when I say that sometimes I want to get slim fitting clothes to make me feel sexy but it hurts to see myself in the fitting room mirror not being able to squeeze into the top that I like.

This was me after about 2 years.

I managed to maintain my weight once I achieved my desired weight. As I mentioned, it took about 7 months to get this figure and once I see that I was able to lose all the weight (after trying since high school!) I was even more encouraged to keep this figure.

To lose that much of weight in such little time, you would’ve imagine that I went to gym day and night and follow a super strict meal plans.

No one actually believed me when I say that I only did one type of exercise and stick to one diet plan throughout the time I was trying to lose weight.

Thanks to my uncle who managed to lose so much weight and therefore became my living proof, he introduced to me this book – Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type.

This is my bible now.

There isn’t any low-carb high-fiber or all vegie, no meat or other dieting plans that I’ve heard of before. The concept is the simplest to its core – you have to eat the food that is suitable to your blood type for it to burn correctly and boost your metabolism. Food that is not suitable to your blood type will store as fat even though it seems healthy.

For example, bread is good right? I mean with calcium and carbohydrates and all that. But for me, a Type O blood group, my metabolism do not digest the enzymes in bread for it to burn as energy. Instead it stores as fat and becomes saturated into my body, building those unsightly bulges.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

I admit, it was hard for me to the first few weeks because being of type O blood group, there is so much that I can’t eat that I love – dairy products like ice cream and cheese, bread and pasta. I have to stick to a lot of vegetables and red meat. But after several weeks, when the list of food that I can or can’t eat has pretty much stored in my brain, I find it easy for me to control what I eat.

The wonderful thing about this diet plan is that you can eat what is good for your as much as you want (as long as you don’t overdo it, of course!) and you can still eat the food that is not suitable for you but in a very small portion and every once in a while.

What I did was I will follow my blood group diet plan strictly until I start to see some weight loss. For me it took about 6 weeks for my metabolism to reset itself and recognized the food that it can tolerate and not suitable with. After these 6 weeks, I see my weight literally dropped off the scale. My metabolism now has become so efficient that so much so if I were to accidentally gain 1 or 2 kg because I wasn’t watching what I eat, I can simply follow the diet plan again and see that 2kg gone in a matter of days.

I know it sounds to good to be true but there it is.

Truly Dr Peter D’ Adamo‘s diet plan is the simplest yet most effective dieting plan I have ever come across with. I swear by it now that I introduce this book to anyone who talks to me about losing weight.

The book opens with the introduction on your blood type. The enzymes and other information that I will not even attempt to repeat for it is quite scientific and I’m the least bit scientific. But it is written in layman terms so you can understand it easily enough without having to bring out your medical encyclopedia. It explains how your blood system works and how food chemical reacts to your blood and the way food is broken down into energy etc etc etc.

Then it gives specific information about the type of food each blood type can / can’t eat. There foods are grouped according to its composition ie meat & poultry, vegetables & fruits and so on. The tables in which the portions are explained are easy to understand and you can memorize them in no time. Some of the list of food you can / can’t eat is rather extensive but I do not find it to be any trouble because I simply look out for food that I usually eat and see if I can consume them.

The food list lists down all types of food and categorized them into 3 – suitable, neutral and avoid. Suitable, is of course the ones that are best processed by your body and therefore promotes weight loss, neutral doesn’t have any effect on you so you can choose to either take them or not and avoid is the food that will make you gain weight for it will not be broken down by your blood system.

Another great thing provided by the book is that it also lists down the exercises that is suitable according to your blood type. Apparently, not all exercise will help you burn fat effectively albeit still being a good work out for your body. As for me, there are about 20 suitable exercises that will promote the most efficient weight loss and most of them are simple and not rigorous.

I can do yoga, aerobics, cycling, hand combat, swimming or brisk walking. Remember I told you I only did one type of exercise? I choose swimming and I swim as often and for as long as I can. I noticed that I lost about 3 inches from my waist in 2 weeks while I was also on my Type O diet plan. For other blood types, there are some really physical exercises suggested like rock climbing and martial art but the great thing is, there are also other types of exercise that is suitable for you so you can pick and choose what you want to do or mix and match the types of exercises according to your schedule or preferences.

And that’s it.

I keep this up for about 7 months and I managed to be at 56kg.

And since I know how effective this diet plan is and also because my metabolism rate has increased and very efficient, I have my Cheat Day. Usually my Cheat Day is on weekend because that’s when I usually go out with Mohen so on that day I can eat whatever I want despite my diet plan. Because Monday onward, I will be back on the diet plan again. So once you have managed to get the weight that you want, you can afford to be slightly less strict with yourself because for me, I love my food so I still want to pig out sometimes!

I shall get back in shape soon enough!

Now I’m 75kg after my second pregnancy but I have no worry on how to lose all that weight because I know I have a diet plan that works.

So go get yourself the book and start to get the figure you’ve always wanted!

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Posted in Parenting

Bringing Home Sophia

When the doctor gave us Sophia’s due as 8th November, I was wondering if she could make it to 11.11.11 instead. I know it’s overdue but I was secretly hoping she would make it to that date. I read up on overdue pregnancies as much as possible just to know that there is no real harm in it and how naturally it occurs in majority of pregnancies.

When on November 10th I noticed reduced fetal movements, I told Mohen that we should go and check it out because Sophia has always been super active ever since I felt the first flutter. Sure enough the doctor said I had to be admitted and induced as soon as possible as the decrease in fetal movement is noticeable.

I didn’t panic but was getting very nervous because to be honest, whether or not I make it to 11.11.11 is not important anymore. I just want to make sure she is out and safe.

This time around, it was quite trying for me and Mohen because due to short of bed availability, I had to be transferred and referred to another hospital other than the one we chose to deliver in. We had to wait for almost 2 hours before any confirmation is given to us as to which hospital we can go to to have our baby. I was close to tears not because I was in pain, but because I didn’t want Sophia to be born under desperate or emergency situations.

We finally got admitted to the next available hospital at 5pm, 10th November.

The doctors went through all the necessary check ups again and sent me right up to the maternity ward. Sophia was put on CTG every other hour to monitor her heartbeat since it’s hard to track her movements. I know she is fine but I can’t help but feel the doctor is going to deliver me that night.

Finally one of the nurses said the doctor will induce labor on me the next morning for her heartbeat is doing fine and they can still detect normal fetal movement albeit reduced, but not dire enough to cause for an emergency labor.  I don’t think I’ve slept as well as I did that night after she told me that. So maybe after all we can get that 11.11.11.

First thing next morning the doctor induced me with prostaglandin at 8.15am. I had to be monitored for cervix dilation every 6 hours. It will introduce contractions and softens the cervix.

Okay.

The only thing that I should probably tell you is that I have no idea how contractions feels. Having a planned cesarean for the first delivery and being 2 weeks early from my due date, I had no experience in the real contractions. Sure those Braxton-Hicks dropped by every other day but that was nothing compared to the real contractions, I heard.

So I was very apprehensive about how should I feel. At 2pm, after lunch, that tell-tale abdomen cramps came. It started at the lower part of my abdomen, just right below the belly button. But I could still sit up and walk around. I noted the time and soon came to notice that those cramps were 10minutes apart.

Still I gritted my teeth and waited for the pain to come because if this is bearable, it shouldn’t be the real ones since the labor contractions will make me feel like putting my fist through a wall.

2.30pm the doctor came to check my cervix. Now, I’m quite all right with doctors putting things into my vagina for I’m not that squeamish about it but I don’t know if it was because I was already in pain or because this doctor is rough but when his fingers touched my cervix, I actually let out a scream. My buttocks were lifted off the bed and my fingers clenched.

Then what was waiting for me dawned on me almost cruelly.

As the day progressed, the contractions were getting more intense and soon by 7pm I was having 2 contractions every five minutes. Previously, I asked my mother what contractions feel like and she said she could not describe it because it had to be felt to be understood.

She cannot be more right.

As much as I would like to think that I am good with words, I can’t describe it here how contractions feel. I can’t put it words and I have been thinking and rewriting the sentence for almost 8 times before I realized I can’t put it into words.

But I can tell you how I was.

I started crying for I can’t believe how painful it was. I didn’t even realized that I managed to doze off to sleep in between contractions for when it comes, it drained so much of my energy. It was like I’ve been woken up with a hard kick when the next contraction hit. I woke up moaning and tossing and curling into a ball over the pain.

I called Mohen when the doctor said it’s about time he was with me. He had to go to work because earlier on, the doctor said if I didn’t dilate any further, they will insert another dose of prostaglandin the next day. My second VE (vagina effacement) check was at 6.20pm and I was only at 1cm but the pain was already getting unbearable. I could barely speak on the phone when I asked Mohen to come.

I think I managed to breathe out 4 words to him – doctor, you, come, now. The next thing I know Mohen was right with me. Now, the hospital and his office is about 50 minutes away (it was that far we got to be transferred due to beds availability) and the speed in which he arrived at the hospital made me shudder now to think about how fast he must’ve drove to get to me.

To be honest, the next few hours seem to be a blur to me.

I remember few nurses came and went, checking here, probing there. I heard voices telling me to be patient, fingers being inserted inside my vagina, needles into my vein and yet nothing made sense. All I wanted was the pain to be over. As much as I wanted a normal delivery (refer post Try Next Exit), I finally begin to realize that I might not be strong enough to endure the pain.

I think at 11pm the nurses finally told me that they are going to bring me to the labor room because I have dilated about 5cm. Even so I think I remembered one of them said that they have to wait for me to dilate more before I can really go for the big push. I swore to God that had it not been for Mohen holding my hands, I would’ve reached over and gave her a slap. I don’t know why they would want me to wait longer when the doctor specifically told me earlier this morning during my VE check that they would’ve to operate me if I was in excruciating pain. Well, I think I was in excruciating pain at that time, thank you very much.

I kept asking the doctor to just operate me because I really truly couldn’t take the pain anymore. He said something about doing some assessment and some other nonsense I can’t make out. Then I heard he said he was going to rupture my waterbag. To be honest I couldn’t care less if he said he was going to cut off my leg because I thought my stomach was going to explode in pain and my previous cesarean cut was pulsating with extreme pain that I thought it might just tear open and let my guts out.

When the warm feeling of amniotic liquid flowed after my waterbag was ruptured, I felt this sudden need to push. Like my stomach was contracting on its own without me having to do anything. I lifted my head and gave one of the hardest thrusts in my life. I think I could’ve broken one of Mohen’s fingers had I not let go after a few seconds. It was amazing because every part of my lower body hurt except my vagina. I felt it opened as wide as a tunnel but it did not hurt. I don’t even know how was it possible but my stomach, my arms, my legs felt like they were ran over by a truck.

The doctor was telling me not to push because he didn’t want me to tear anything before I was ready but I kept telling him that it wasn’t as if I purposely push the baby out. It was my body telling me to. I think I gave about 6 pushes altogether before the doctor finally said he was going to go for an emergency cesarean.

At this point, as much I felt relieved because I know I will not feel the contractions anymore, I felt extremely disappointed in myself. Like I have failed as a woman to endure birthing pain. I went through 9 months of mental and physical preparation for a vaginal birth only to give up at the end. I can’t believe how weak I was and I can’t believe that I would give up. When they wheeled me to the operation room, they might’ve mistaken my slightly calm demeanor due to me knowing that I will be operated and not because of how disappointed and embarrassed I was.

I know that I could’ve probably given normal birth if I wait for another dose of prostaglandin and for my cervix to dilate further but still, I can’t be sure. I could still not dilate, I could still be in extreme pain for more hours and then still be operated for emergency cesarean.

It’s just that I can’t help but feel that I should’ve held on longer.

Sophia came out perfect and fine. She weighed 2.765kg. I looked at her now and feel that whatever pain that I went through was worth it. Just sometimes I feel that I should’ve fought for her more.

Sophia Erana Mohen, born 11.11.11 at 11.57pm

The doctor told us that because I already went through 2 cesarean, we would’ve to wait at least 5 years before having our next child. And if we do plan to have another one, I would’ve to go through cesarean again.

To be honest, it’s not that I don’t like the prospect of another child. I don’t think I’ve recovered enough from the disappointment I put myself through to even consider conceiving again. It would be great to feel pregnant again. But I know when I’m about to deliver that next one, I would remember how I felt with Sophia and I don’t think I can forgive myself for failing myself that way.

Still, it’s something too early to think about. I might change how I feel and become stronger and have all this behind me but I can’t be sure.

The only thing I’m sure now is that Sophia is healthy and I will have a great time seeing her grow and turn into a lady and woman herself.

Posted in Parenting

Try Next Exit

Even with my first baby, I have prepared myself for a normal delivery.

I’ve done as much as I could to ease and promote normal delivery, like Kegel exercise and perineum massage. I know that normal delivery is painful (now, that is probably an understatement) and most mothers now opt for cesarean but it’s something that I want to feel and I feel very strongly about this.

Some of my friends opt for cesarean because they don’t want the vaginal area to get roomier after a normal delivery. Some do not want to go through the pain and couldn’t imagine having to feel such excruciating pain known to (wo)men. And mostly because emergency cesarean had to be performed.

My water broke about 2 weeks before my due. And even after inducing labor, my cervix didn’t dilate at all since it’s still not mature for delivery. Since I’ve been induced for almost 8 hours, the doctor decided to perform an emergency cesarean for me. I was really disappointed because I have set my mind for a normal delivery even though we find out that I had Group B-Strep (GBS) during my 32nd week of pregnancy. With this, my practitioner already advised that he’s not going to risk normal delivery if situation doesn’t allow it. I took this openly enough, hoping to all hopes that I will be able to deliver normally.

So now with my second baby due any time, I still want to go for a normal delivery. Somehow, I feel that with normal delivery, I will feel like a complete woman.

I don’t know if this makes sense but it’s a sense primal instinct that I feel when I’m pregnant. It’s as though it will complete this cycle of me as a woman.

Having a baby is a wonderful experience for a woman.

There used to be a time where the adage “once a cesarean, always a cesarean” applied to women who has had cesarean. This was also one of the things that prevent me from wanting a cesarean because although I do not plan to breed a soccer team, I would like to think that I will have at least one chance of normal delivery with the children I’m going to bear Mohen.

Naturally, this time around, I read as much as I can on VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).

During my prenatal visits, I discussed with my practitioner about having normal delivery. She explained to me in detail the risk of VBAC and why it’s risky for those who has had cesarean. Although it sound harmless enough (1% of rupture risk), she was serious and stressed on the point that I need to thoroughly understand the risk.

I don’t know much about medical but 1% can’t be that bad, can it?

Apparently it can.

Since my uterine muscles have been cut before, it creates a point of weakness, even though it was proven to fully heal. These muscles, during contractions, can stretch and distort and this is the cause of the rupture. As much, or as little, as 1% sounds, muscle rupture is never something to take lightly about. It can be messy to repair and the pain will probably last me for years.

Again, I don’t know how I feel about this.

Of course at the end of the day, the most important thing is to deliver Sophia safe and sound and to have her healthy, no matter which method of delivery it is. My practitioner advised me that I shouldn’t let my personal feelings get in the way of the baby’s condition. I know this already but at the back of my mind, I feel scared if one cesarean follows another, wouldn’t that keep my uterine muscles always at it’s weakest and ruin the chance of me having a normal delivery?

My mother had a normal delivery exactly 2 years after her first cesarean.

It’s almost 3 years after my cesarean and I should be fine. Still, my current practitioner will not push for me to be in labor for too long for fear of scar rupture. She said 8 hours is all she’s giving me and if I exceed that, it will be another cesarean for me.

8 hours sounds like too short a time for me to be in labor before being wheeled into the operation room. I thought labor lasts for hours on end and sometimes more than a day. I know that every labor and birth is different even for the same woman but I can’t help but worry.

I know I shouldn’t worry.

It’s not in my hands to finally decide how I give birth.

But I just really hope I will be able to feel what normal delivery is like, even for just this one time.

Posted in Motherhood

The Last Lap. Again.

Runners will run their last lap with any last ounce of energy and speed they have in them to win the race.

That, is of course, easier said than done in my case. Not that I have any intention of doing any running at this stage. I can hardly get out of bed without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes, thank you very much.

But with less than 2 weeks to go, it does feel like running the last lap where the finishing line is just there at the end of the horizon that you can almost feel yourself collapsing after you’ve crossed it. I can see the labor room, the bustling nurses and sound of electronic beeping coming from machines and whatnot and the highly anticipated shrill cry of the prize after the race – the baby.

Sophia is doing well and progressing as she should during her gestation. There weren’t as many complications as Eros’ was and there were less false alarm scares with her.

But then I think it’s because it’s the second time around for me, I don’t know.

Other than knowing pretty much what to expect, I don’t freak out that often when a stomachache spell lasted more than 20minutes or that my back feel like someone just put a sledgehammer right through it or that I feel drowsy all of a sudden and there’s this burning itch in my chest that just won’t go away.

Eros on the day he was born.

My previous last lap was nerve-wrecking with every other slight cramp is timed and recorded. I tread each step with care and watch out for any sign at all that indicate the baby is ready. At the point, no matter how much I’ve read on being prepared, I have no idea what to expect.

Sure the book explain which part of your body will feel the pain and how the pain is like but it didn’t and couldn’t possible make you feel the pain. So I can only imagine what it would be like. So nervous I was at that time, I was even scared to go to the toilet just in case I mistake my bowel movement for labor.

It’s a heck a lot more relaxed this time around, I’m glad to say.

Even Mohen is not a bundle of nerves. He was calm enough during our first time and when my water broke, he didn’t panic and took me to the hospital serenely enough. I don’t know if he was going wild inside to keep himself from freaking out as well but thanks to him, I was relaxed and didn’t panic.

I think he did that for me, even if he was panicking. I mean, he must’ve felt something as well. He can’t be all that cool and composed over the birth of his first child, can he? Either he wants to jump for joy or pace the floor incessantly, he kept it under wraps. He was there for me the way he was expected to and handled everything else other than the birth for me like how he was meant to.

As I write this, I have never really thought about it then.

Eros is a natural with the camera even at 2 days old.

I was so wrapped up in delivering and having Eros that I think I didn’t really thank Mohen for being there for me. We were together at every step of the way but I didn’t take the time to really say how glad I was to have him around.

I know he gave without asking anything in return but I must remember to thank him when I see him tonight when he comes back from work. We are going through this again very soon and I don’t want him to think that I don’t appreciate him being around or doing anything he can to make me feel better.

We have yet to get much of Sophia’s things ready, to be honest. Other than the things that are still very usable from Eros’ time, we’re only going to get more items for her next week.

And I don’t feel bad about it. Hang on – I mean, I feel bad to some extent, thinking that we don’t go all out to get everything new for Sophia the way we did for Eros but with so many things still can be used and knowing what to expect and get for a newborn, I’m surprised at how relaxed we are this time around.

I think this is what my mother meant when she says you get better with each children. You make all the mistakes you can with the first, you do a couple more with the next and correct yourself as more children comes along and finally get the idea of what the hell is going on with the last one.

Our first glimpse of Sophia.

For me, with Sophia, I would like to think that we are more prepared and mature to receive her.

I feel that she would be in better hands now that I know what breastfeeding is, how much a baby can poop, how to make a newborn feel better if she is colicky or understand the tone of her voice when she cries or whimpers.

I feel good to know that I am not as scared now as I was with Eros. I’m happy to realize that this time around I can look for signs of post-partum depression, having to go through one with my first baby. I’m glad now that I don’t feel awkward being up to my elbows with diapers and vomit and enjoy to be doing it at that for I realized those things didn’t matter when you’re bringing up a person into this world.

Deep inside, I think Mohen feels the same way about being a parent. Sure he has less domestic worries like I do because he has to think about finances now that there are more mouths to feed but I’m certain he’s looking forward to feel like a father to a newborn again.

I may not be running to my finishing line but I’m sure as hell getting there fast.

Bringing Eros into this world was one of the best things Mohen and I have ever done.
Posted in Parenting, Relationship

Your Mileage May Differ

Surprisingly this topic is the one I least read about throughout both my pregnancies. I don’t know whether because I’m comfortable enough about it to know that everything is all right or that I’m not that curious about it.

Sex during pregnancy.

As with my first pregnancy as well as this second one, I do not experience any decrease in my sex drive, even though many of the pregnancy books I’ve read never fail to mention this much-discussed yet very delicate topic.

Photo courtesy of Parenthood and Kids

Most women’s libido take a nosedive in the first trimester, thanks to the 3-month long morning sickness and hormonal changes. Most women gets stressed, feel unattractive due to the nausea they’re feeling and some just feel turned off completely even by the mention of sex.

Although sex was what brought us here in the first place, the idea of sex when your breasts are tender and you have to pee every 5 minutes puts you off from your partner faster than you can say candle-lit room and soft music.

It has always been a difficult subject between me and Mohen because since my libido didn’t decrease, it decides to increase instead. The longer I’ve been pregnant, the more, well, easily turned on I get.

No matter how much I assure him that there is no way he will hurt the baby inside by making love to me, I can see that he finds it awkward to be caressing me with the bulging belly between us. We managed to laugh it off once in a while because it’s like trying to make out with a basketball balanced on our stomachs but I don’t think he would want to be laughing each time we try to make love.

Photo courtesy of Google

There were times he would find my new pregnant body irresistible thanks to the curves and roundness of the belly and bosoms but as the pregnancy progresses, he feels uncomfortable to be straddling such a huge belly, what more with my suddenly limited agility in bed.

As much as communication between us has been the strongest aspect in our relationship, it is always been hard for me to really explain to him why sex has suddenly become so important to me during pregnancy. When he subtly rejects my advances, it makes me feel unwanted and most of the times to some extent, ugly.

It feels as though he has lost all interest in me as a woman and only see me now as a mother to his child. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me and his rejection is more on his concern for my physical wellness rather than lost sexual desire but I feel that with our second pregnancy he would understand the way I behave sexually more than he did the first time around.

Photo courtesy of Pregnancy - Max Updates

Being together for almost 4 years, I think I know him enough to know that there is no change in his sexual drive. And despite that, he never made any advances towards me and I feel bad to not be able to treat or pleasure him the way I used to when I wasn’t pregnant.

Sure I know there are several restrictions now that I’m 37weeks pregnant but I don’t want him to think that just because I’m pregnant, he has to forego his own desire for sex and wait for the baby to arrive before thinking of approaching me for sex again.

Both of us are very close sexually and emotionally. So when our sex life took a major dip during pregnancy, I feel cut off from him in ways I couldn’t explain. I want to feel just as close to him when I wasn’t pregnant, I want to know that he still desires me no matter how I look like and most importantly, it makes me feel like I’m not going through this pregnancy alone.

Photo courtesy of craigsfindr.com

It’s not about lust when it comes to sex during pregnancy. It’s the closeness it provides and the comfort of your partner holding you tight and sharing that moment of love, with the little one kicking inside you.

At times I feel like he is afraid to touch me, as though he doesn’t want to get turn on because if he does, he would want to make love to me and if he does, his actions might hurt my belly or my back or even our baby. I can’t get him to relax as much no matter how much I show him the articles about sex during pregnancy, the do’s and don’ts and everything else in between.

Our sex life is always the first thing that came to my mind each time I think about my pregnancy or getting pregnant. Because of it, we’ve had arguments, we’ve slept in separate beds, we’ve not kissed or hold each other’s hands for weeks.

It’s ironic how I feel sexy when I’m pregnant and yet I feel ugly when I’m bed with him. Oh, well. I only have another 3 more weeks to go before things get back to normal.

I hope.

Photo courtesy of spaestethic.com
Posted in Motherhood

This Might Be Why

I think by now a lot of people know that I love to read. I mean, it’s one of the things that people notice about me. So naturally when I got pregnant and going through a phase as important as pregnancy, I read up on as much as I can. One of the books that has become my bible is the timeless What To Expect When You’re Expecting. My mom read it when she was carrying me, I read it when I was carrying Eros and I’ve told all my expecting friends to get this book and so far none has not send me a thank you note for introducing the great book to them.

So when I started feeling different, depressed or moody, I always read up on why these changes are happening to me. I can know that there is something different with me because I’ve always been attuned to my body and the way I feel. By reading up on them, I simply put a name to my condition so I know what I’m going through.

When I was carrying Eros, I didn’t have much pregnancy maladies except for occasional weepy episodes during the first trimester when my body was getting used to having a baby growing inside it. I was not moody but I sure was emotional over every little thing. I cried over someone voted out on American Idol, I cried reading a touching excerpt someone posted on the Internet, I cried when Mohen didn’t call me during his usual break time, I cried when he doesn’t talk to me before he goes to bed, I cried because he was talking to me because I felt so annoyed with voices – I cried over everything.

Me pregnant at 32weeks and 3days with my first.

But as soon as the first trimester was over, I was the epitome of beautiful pregnancy. I enjoyed every single bit of being pregnant with my first baby. Despite gaining so much weight, I felt every bit sexy and beautiful. I love how my skin was glowing and how glossy my hair is.

I thought if this is how great pregnancy is, I wouldn’t mind doing it at all! I was, of course, rather apprehensive when we knew we were pregnant but I thought if I don’t do it now, I would have to do it 5 years down the road. And during my first pregnancy, I was glad that I decide to stay pregnant.

At the time I was about to deliver Eros, I was 245lbs (98kg), which means I gained about 95lbs (38kg) throughout the 9months. I know it was way too much but my appetite was blooming when I was carrying Eros and I ate nothing but dairy, sandwiches, fresh cut fruits, yogurts, ice creams, muesli bars and fruit juices.

Even with my body as large as a Hindenburg I wasn’t feeling fat at all. I felt

36weeks pregnant. Minutes before going into operation room.

fabulous. I felt how I feel pregnant moms supposed to be, what more with me being a first-time mother. Sure people thought I gained a tremendous amount of weight but mostly put it on me being pregnant so I don’t feel anything wrong with it either.

After all the fuss of delivering and welcoming a newborn, I started telling myself that I need to lose weight. I need to seriously shed this pounds that I’ve gained so much during pregnancy.

It wasn’t hard for me because I really wanted to do it. So unlike my previous stints in dieting, I stuck to this routine and manage to slowly lose weight. It was great to see how I can finally fit into my old jeans again and feeling how the ones I bought right after delivery was starting to slip off my waist.

Slowly trying to shed all those pounds. Started to see the result of my dieting plan.

One of the main reasons I wanted to lose all those weight was because I can literally feel how hard it was for me to move about swiftly. Especially when I have a baby to take care of. Although I didn’t drop to my old size overnight, it didn’t affect my confidence at all.

I was still very happy over being a new mom, having a great partner in taking care both me and our son and I still feel beautiful if not sexier.

The acme of my weight-loss regime was when I was able to bring down my weight lower than I was before I was pregnant with Eros. It has always been my proudest achievement when friends asked me how much weight I lost because it was so obvious I was much skinnier than I ever was.

I mean, ever since a little girl, I’ve always been that chubby one. Skinny and me is like water and oil. Everyone who knows me will describe me as “that bubbly and loud chubby girl” when they talk about me to others.

But not anymore. During my adult life (pre-pregnancy), the “lowest” weight I’ve ever been at was at 150lbs (60kg). After having my first baby, I was so into losing weight and enjoyed seeing my body getting smaller, I managed to bring myself to 140lbs (56kg).

Proud of my new figure!

Now being pregnant for the second time, I learnt the hard way that it wasn’t as rainbows and butterflies as it was with my first one.

We were pregnant the second time after I’ve resigned from my job. I decided it was about time I focus on my family’s well-being and Eros’ development as I was doing 17hours daily at the office and hardly get to be with my son except on weekends. I think we conceived Sophia about 4 months after I’ve resigned and since I’m at home and Mohen is doing pretty well, we decided to keep the baby.

I was excited to feel all glowing and beautiful again after almost 3 years not being pregnant. What I wasn’t prepared for, or even thought of was that when I was pregnant with Eros, there wasn’t any other child to take care of, there wasn’t much laundry to be done, there wasn’t much meals need to be prepared, there wasn’t any spilled milk to clean up or breadcrumbs to dust.

Sadly, with this second pregnancy, I am feeling anything but pretty.

To be honest, I feel fat, ugly, unattractive and sometimes I think I smell.

I don’t know if it’s the feeling of now being domesticated at home has left me feeling as such but the sunshine and happiness of pregnancy that was so abundant in my first one was sure absent with this second one. I mean, sure there were times when I feel absolutely great and to some extent pretty but it wasn’t as often as I did with my first pregnancy.

I was really proud with how much weight I lost.

Most of the times I’m stressful and perhaps bordering on depression. I felt so alone, that I had to do everything on my own. Especially with Mohen at work, I felt like I had to be pregnant and take care of Eros as well. I know it’s not an onus job because every mother of a second child does it so I know I wouldn’t die doing it. There was once or twice in which I thought I felt suicidal but of course I brushed the thought off immediately because I couldn’t possibly imagine leaving Eros behind just because I was depressed.

It’s all probably hormonal imbalance, especially with so many things to do at home while I’m pregnant and me feeling unattractive. And I think the reason why I feel unattractive is that I don’t go out as much as I did when I was working, there is not much need for me to do my hair up all the time and wear make up from morning to night.

Although I do dress up sometimes just to make me feel pretty and look good when Mohen comes home, I don’t need to be doing it everyday. I just make sure that I always look presentable, clean and smell good when he’s home. Other than that all my power suits and mini skirts and satin blouses are just hanging there in the closet.

You may think it’s shallow for me to feel this way but as a woman, especially one that gained so much weight and then managed to lose it into a figure that she wanted and was happy with and then gained weight again no matter what the reason is, I feel it’s a big enough reason for me to feel depressed. Sure I’m aware of all the bodily changes in the third trimester but somehow I felt like I wasn’t quite satisfied having a figure I worked hard for long enough before I was pregnant again.

I don't feel attractive at all with this second pregnancy. And I think it shows on my face how I feel.

Most of the times I’m just sad that my body changed so much so rapidly when it took me long to lose all the weight I’ve gain in my first pregnancy. Perhaps it teaches me now not to gain so much weight when pregnant but I can’t help how much I put on. Although I can control what I eat but I’ve always love to eat and I love to eat more when I’m pregnant. Sigh..

I’m not in anyway regretting being pregnant but I wished it didn’t bug me so much about gaining weight again. My mom feels I’m superficial for letting such trivial thing to bug me and cause me all these frustration but I can’t say that I can be as indifferent to it as she can. Her argument is always that I should be grateful that at least I’m pregnant where there’s a lot of people who wants to be pregnant but can’t. I know this but to hear it and feel as low as I am, it just makes me feel worse.

I’m annoyed that I get more stretchmarks now than I did before, I’m frustrated that my hair isn’t as glossy as it was when I was pregnant the first time.

I know I have a chance to lose weight again after this but you can’t blame me for thinking that these might be why I’m so easily frustrated and feeling depressed with this pregnancy.

Then again, maybe my mom is right. I shouldn’t let such thing bother me so much and concentrate on the baby instead.

I shall get back in shape soon enough!
Posted in Motherhood

Keep Telling Myself That

Oh, wow. I don’t think I have ever been this sad before.

There are so many things running through my head right now and above all, I feel so alone. I mean, at a stage where I shouldn’t feel alone or ignored, I’m feeling exactly that.

It’s probably nothing more than my over-wild imagination that keeps imaging the worst things and things that aren’t there but it sure is depressing.

I don’t know if I will continue to feel this way even though I try not to think about it everyday. Or it’s because I’m so imbalance in so many things lately.

Whatever it is, I don’t think I should be feeling this way. I should feel amazing and loved and cherished and appreciated and cared for.

All I’m feeling right now is lost and abandoned.