No Baby, No Talk

I would never ever buy that thing.

Said the pre-relationship pre-mother me 5 years ago.

Now, every time I’m out with Eros, all I can think is one of them baby leashes.

Even now I think some of you might already snickered or raised an eyebrow. How can she even think of using such an inhuman thing on her child? Doesn’t she know the basics of parenting that she needs a leash to hold on to her kid?

Right.

So I’ve read on what people has to say about these baby leashes and generally they’re divided into two groups:

• A – Those with kids
• B – Those without kids

Those who are from group A would not jump into any conclusion without first considering the behavior of their child before getting the leash.

Those who are from group B will use profanities on the parents that decided to use the leash on their children. This group’s sole belief is that we are responsible adults who should be able to control our little ones with verbal cues and instructions.

Oh, did I mention that this behavior is exclusive to those from Group B until they have kids and they too become apart of Group A?

A blog written by a 16 year-old girl is riddled with profanities, open accusations on parents’ bad parenting and human rights about the usage of baby leashes. All the while I was reading her blog, I wasn’t even mad that she called us names and many other colorful words. The only thing that was running through my mind was, Girl, you can’t even look after your own mouth, how do I expect you to know how to take care of a kid?

Many of the blog emphasizes on the most basic and natural thing to do if you want to go out with your children – simply hold their hands.

I can only sigh.

It’s sad to see someone who is not a parent giving advice to parents about how to be a parent. When you have an active child who squirms and writhes when you hold their hands, you would know how a simple thing as “simply hold their hands” is not so simple after all. You wouldn’t want to clamp on their wrist with your adult strength lest you hurt the child but you can’t hold it like you’re holding a flimsy, lifeless garden hose.

Verbal cues and instructions?

Don’t make me laugh but let me tell you one thing, sweetheart, they don’t always work.

I don’t want to always tell my kid to sit down when we’re at a restaurant. Sooner or later I’m going to lose my patience and start to raise my voice. I wouldn’t want to be yelling at my kid when we’re about to sit down for a meal together.

I should have practice more patience say you?

Let me put it to you in simpler terms – when you have a crying infant in your arms, an electric toddler jumping on the chair and the whole of the restaurant staring at you while the waitress stands there with one hand on her hip and rolling her eyes each time you tell her what you want between telling your child to sit down and coos at the other one then you can tell me what patience really means.

Read this and you'd know how unpredictable and tough a toddler can be.

My own child has ran right into a wall, smacked into other pedestrians, scraped his knees, ran right across an alley where a car just passed by, missing him by just seconds, and almost tore his arm right clean off from jerking and writhing away from me when I tried to hold his hand.

You think I’m leashing my son like a dog? I say, please do have kids first and then share your opinion. You may still think it’s inhuman to use leash on toddlers even after you had kids.

At least I would respect your views more than I did when you’re just 16 and barely out of your training bras.

Related articles

• Kids on a Leash? (boymomblog.com)
• Let your children off the leash! (islandmonkeys.wordpress.com)
• The Baby Leash Controversy
• Child Leash: Life Saver or Horrid Invention? (averageparent.com)

What Wo(Man) Wants

So I decided to be less of a sexist.

People always talk about what women want but I don’t think I’ve seen a movie or as much fuss about what men want.

Maybe because people tend to assume everyone knows what men want. As a matter of fact, I can bet a couple of dollars on what you’re thinking right now about what men want and chances are I’ll make a clean sweep tonight.

So chocolate, roses, and teddy bears are typically the things men think women want.

But honestly, how many of us girls out there that really want that all the time. I mean, sure it’s nice getting flowers and roses and cuddly stuffed toys sometimes but most of the times we just want someone to take us to a football game and to a dinner of steak and beer after that.

Now I don’t know if men prefer their girl to be all girly and cute and smooshie poopsie or they like someone they can share their manly interests with. Like maybe a girl who wouldn’t be grossed out at watching wrestling no matter how fake we know it is, or a girl who likes to get down and dirty (no, not that one) in a jungle to go camping with them.

But what I know is, most men want their girl to understand them like a man would.

If a man is quiet while he’s thinking and not in the mood of sharing, he expects his girl to understand if he doesn’t come back home because he’s out having a beer on his own while he thinks things out. Or accept it wholeheartedly when he’s out with his friends drinking their wits away because he wants to forget about his worries for a while before he thinks of a way out.

I’m pretty sure this is a very hard thing to do for us girls. I mean, we even share random trivial problems like nail polish color for the day or our blog site’s theme to our men, so we are unable to fathom why you wouldn’t want to share with us when there’s a big issue that’s bothering you.

When a woman cares about a man, she really does care.

Sometimes too much for her own good and the good of the relationship. Calling their men every other hour to know if they’re okay are perceived as clingy behavior that reeks of mistrust. Asking for a text message just so we know everything is okay and that we can sleep is often interpreted as bossing.

This more often than not leads to arguments and hence, the term “irreconcilable differences” comes about.

It’s not that couples are not able to reconcile their differences. It is because they do not understand their differences and expect the other partner to simply accept the situation that leads to bitter ending in an otherwise great relationship.

Women is no different than men when it comes to wanting to be understood.

We expect our men to be able to read minds, read the subtlest face expression, the slightest change in our sighs and scoffs, interpret the secret language of our eyebrow movements and be a master of our encrypted language.

Ask any woman what “I’m fine” means and I can bet she will ask how is the word said before she can give you an answer.

Mohen always say that he wish he can get a straight answer from me rather than going on in explaining a whole plethora of things. I operate on sounds, visuals, feels, and vibes. Mohen operates on facts. I’m not saying that men are insensitive because I have learnt more than once that men can be more sensitive than a girl when they’re really comfortable with that one woman.

But that sensitivity is usually overpowered by their compartmentalized thinking. Women’s is honeycombed, riddled with endless grottoes and niches that can hold more twists and turns in it than a man’s could.

Men expect. Women want.

Men expect their women to be there for them by understanding how he handles his problems. Women want men to know they’re there for them by wanting to talk about his problems.

It’s such an opposite demand from each sex that it’s a wonder how men and women can live with each other at all.

Most women I know would grin and bear with what their men expect because they’re tired of arguing and being accused of not understanding. So far I’ve not met a man who would grin and bear with what his woman want when she wants to know and talk about his problems.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe men would traditionally stay men and still subconsciously think women is of a lesser sex so she needs to know her place in a relationship. I don’t think I can honestly say I know what men want from their women. For all I know, they want the same thing as women do but perhaps a little less complicated.

But then again, that’s what I want. Not men.

Well, Hello There!

Finally, I get the time to write!

New year has started off busy for me! Either that or I’m getting more occupied with the children.

We’re going to move into a new place in about a month’s time or so. I’m getting used to doing things on my own with two kids around. Although I’m still at my mom’s house until the new house is done and still get a lot of help from her with Eros, I’m doing more things myself to slowly ease things into doing it all on my own. Once we move into our own place, it’s just going to be me and the kids and God help me, I wonder if I’m able to do it!

So 2012 looks good so far.

I’ve received great news from my publisher, we got a nice quaint house that’ s really near to Mohen’s office, Eros is being just how he is (he’s going to be three in February! My, how time flies!) and Sophia seems to be growing up just great. She spends more time awake now and has longer sleeping period when she finally dozes off to sleep.

The only thing is, I don’t know why I’m getting mental block when I sit down to write my book. I’ve been working on the materials for quite some time now and I need to get started in completing it since everything is ready with my publisher. But I just can’t write!

It’s not a good thing, I know. Or I don’t know. Ha, ha.

But I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me that she’s having a stage fright, now that we’re finally on our way to get our book published after years and years of writing and countless rejection. Although I didn’t get any dateline from my publisher, I would like to get started at least on a few chapters just to get the ball rolling.

Oh, well, maybe I’ll write better once we’re in our own place.

Things are looking good for Mohen’s work too. If everything goes well, he’s looking at a promotion in a few month’s time. With that, things will be a lot easier for our family since we’ve been living on a tight financial run and had not been able to bring out the kids that often. I hope we’re finally able to go on a vacation because ever since we’re together and now with kids, we’ve not been able to go on a vacation just yet.

So a few good things to kick off the new year is not bad. I’m pretty optimistic about this year, despite all the buzzard about it ending. I admit I do feel just a tad edgy because hey, you’ll never know if those Mayans were right! But I’m taking things as they come, as I’ve always done before.

Even if the world ends this year, at least I’ll make sure I go out with my family around me and we’ll go out with a bang!

Spam Comments??

I just wanted to ask those that follow my blog.

Do you guys get spam comments? I’ve been getting like 20-40 comments EACH time I check my WP blog. And I check my blog like every other hour.

It’s so annoying. It has never happened before when I first used WP like years ago. I think it’s started about few weeks back.

Just wanted to ask.

Why The Hell Am I Still Up?

So I didn’t think much about this until I realized I had not been able to sleep for at least a week now.

It was nothing new for me, not being able to sleep. Since Mohen always come home late at night, I sometimes stay up to wait for him so we could chat over his supper and catch up a little after that.

Now I realized that I can’t get myself to sleep even though I lay my head and try to relax so the sleep will come. And Mohen is fast asleep next to me so I had no one to wait up for. I mean, of course I was sort of waiting for my daughter to wake up for her late night feeds but I wasn’t exactly counting each minute.

Perhaps that’s what put me on the edge. I keep glancing at her in her crib, to see if she stirs or if she will toss and turn and then started to cry a little before she’s fully awake. Even though my eyelids are heavy and I do feel drowsy, I just can’t sleep.

It’s 2.30am now and I’m getting sleepier by the minute. I know I want to sleep, heck, my body is telling me to sleep. I’ve been doing nothing else lately but breastfeed so God knows it’s draining almost every ounce of my energy. But I know if I try to sleep, my daughter will probably wake up just as I’m drifting off to sleep.

I really should get some sleep. In a few hours time I have to wake up and make breakfast. There’s laundry too. And I have some errands to run as well.

It’s making me nauseated too. Is that normal?

I probably should see my doctor.

So Here’s The Truth

I try to be a good mother.

Motherhood is something I believe should come naturally to all women, whether you want to have a baby or not.

But it’s not. It’s an art that you have to learn, it’s a mystery you have to unravel and it’s a lifetime lesson that needs fine tuning every now and then. It’s ironic I know, because I think almost everyone would think that every women should know how to be a mother because isn’t that a woman’s job since the beginning of time?

When you have a baby for the second time, it should get easier with parenting. Yeah, it should. But it’s not necessarily true at all time. Sometimes maybe it’s harder, especially if your baby is born with a different condition than your first.

I was lucky that it is easier for me. Although my second baby is fussier than my first – she wants to be held more, she wants to cuddle after she nursed, she will wake up at the slightest noise; but I was more prepared this time around to handle a baby than I was the first time.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I guess I want to share how I really feel about being a mother and even though I look happy being one on the outside, it’s always a struggle on the inside for me to appear the way I do to my friends. Some of them even see me as a new mother figure they look up too and respect. As much as this is very flattering, it also gives me a sense of guilt because I feel I’m not being honest with them about how motherhood really was and is for me.

Truth is, most of the times I don’t know why I want to be a mother.

I’d like to think that I’m now prepared to have a family and raise kids but by having doubts, though occasional; why I want to be a mother, I’m afraid that maybe there’s still this one part of me, deep inside, that I’m not really ready. I find myself thinking about the things I can do if I don’t have a baby, the money Mohen and I would have to spend if we don’t have to save for the children, I wish Mohen and I can still go out just the two of us. See, I don’t wish to do things a single person does, like go out on a girls’ night out or hit the latest club in town, I just want to spend time with Mohen.

It makes me think whether it is really the stress of motherhood that makes me feel this way or it’s just that I need more time with Mohen and still can be a mother just the same. Most of the time I suspect it’s the latter but sometimes I can’t help but wonder.

Sometimes when I change my baby or give my son a bath, I don’t find joy in them. I find those things to be chores and not something that I willingly do. Sure there are times when I’m excited to feed Eros, breastfeed Sophia and play with them and these are the good days, when I’m all up in the mood but when the days that I feel down or not up for it, I get tensed and snapped at everything. I know in my heart that it’s none of my kids’ fault and it’s mine, because I can’t manage my feelings better.

I had post-partum depression and although I feel like it has completely gone away, I can’t help but wonder if some of the brooding dark feelings still lurks about, waiting for a second chance to bloom into the malicious depression that it was 3 years ago. Each time I had a negative thought, I push them away, thinking how I was when I had PPD and determined not to be at that place again. Most of the times it worked because I believe I’m better at identifying my feelings but I’m just scared if it might take hold of me again.

When I imagine my life without my kids, I would be thinking about the things I can do. But then this overwhelming feeling would just rush in and I started crying because truthfully, I don’t know how I’d do without them now. As much as I want time for myself and daydream about the things I did before, I realized that they are so apart of me now that if they’re not around, my life wouldn’t make sense anymore. Obviously I can’t get rid of my children now now that they’re in this world but I imagine if I were to leave them and make a life of my own, I know my life will be meaningless.

Sure I can do all the things I want, go places I want to see, date people and all that but I will always have this dark cloud following me that says I abandon my children just to do this?

I don’t know… Maybe it’s because my children are still young and they need 150% attention right now. Maybe when they’re older and much more independent I would be able to do the things I want again. It’s just a matter of time and me having a lot of patience.

I know I love my kids because I’m always finding for ways to be a better mom, find out as much information about parenting, children’s nutrition and all that. I think if I don’t give two hoots about my children, I wouldn’t bother trying to be a good mother.

It’s just sometimes… It’s so hard and all I want is to do cry and not feel guilty for feeling this way towards my children.

Dear Sophia,

To be honest I don’t know if I’m writing this to you for you or because I needed to talk to myself.

Sometimes it feels better talking to yourself as though from a different person’s point of view. Although it’s probably not a good idea to tell your friends that your mommy talks to herself sometimes.

I don’t really know what I want to tell you but I feel that you would understand me so much more. Maybe because you’re a girl too, or maybe because you’re my daughter or maybe because I simply believe you would understand me.

I’m going through a very rough phase at the moment in my life.

And all I can think of is how I don’t want you to feel the way I’m feeling right now. Even though it makes me cry every night and each time I think about it, which is all the time so technically I’m crying all the time, I cry harder thinking that you might one day feel how I’m feeling.

I know I can’t stop you from making your own mistakes.

As a matter of fact, I would prefer if you make them because you would know how much pain your heart can take and how people can really hurt you if they want to. But then again, at the same time, I wouldn’t want you to feel that kind of pain because I think, not only you as my daughter, but any girl shouldn’t be feeling the way I feel.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, the things that I went through made me who I am today. Sure I wished some of the things didn’t happen but when in retrospect, I’m glad they happened. I can’t put a stop to my life and neither can I put a stop to yours and what you would feel when you grow older.

Your father and I didn’t plan to have a second child but when you happened, we were excited to know that we’re going to have a little girl. And I thank God that I’m blessed with a daughter for without even you knowing it, you changed so much of my life from today onward.

I want to protect you from the men that are going to hurt you. I want to shield you from the pain you will feel when you got your heart broken for the first time. I want to hear your story when you told me about the first heart you broke. I want to be there for you, for all time.

I want to be there for you because I know how much it hurts to go through the pain alone. I don’t ever want you to feel like you don’t have someone to talk to or no one can understand you. Maybe I can’t truly understand you but it means so much for us when someone is there to just listen.

The world is beautiful as it is painful. It’s silly, I know but that’s how it is. I can’t wait for you to see the world so you can taste the sweetness of falling in love, the bitterness when you’re missing him (or her), the pain of heartache, the joy of laughing with someone you love – everything.

But I am so scared of the pain and hurt the world can cause you.

I realized there is nothing I can do to stop them from knocking on your doors and there is no spell to rid of them from you.

I just want you to know that no matter what you choose to do, or who you choose to be, I will always be here to listen to you even though I may not always agree with you.

Because I love you. And that’s what you do when you love someone.

Grow up strong, grow up wise, Sophia. Make the mistakes I made but keep your chin up and remember I’m always around.

Love,
Mommy ~ 

You can't believe how much I love you.

They Say You Lose 90%

Mohen got this book call The Power of Giving.

This post is not about the book though. I did however, read 2 chapters of it and recommend you to get it if you like self-help / motivational book because the style of writing is easy and natural. I literally felt light when I was reading it.

The chapter that I chose to read was about love (naturally).

It talks about how to give more in order to receive more love. I’m pretty sure if you’ve heard this one before you’d be rolling your eyes by now but the book talked about it from quite a different angle that I find myself reading the whole chapter on giving love. Anyway, I’m not much of a self-help / motivational book so I only read that one topic.

One sentence brought tears to my eyes the moment I finished the last word.
” – But after children arrive, a couple’s ability to spend quality one-on-one time is reduced by 90%.”

Because to be honest, that was exactly how I felt ever since Eros was born. In fact, I feel that we might be losing more than 90% because Mohen and I were that close. See, even now I used past tense to describe how close we were. And that is just really painful.

I know that we really love each other.

We both know that we sort of drifted apart despite of ourselves. It wasn’t as if we wanted to but domestic things come between us more than anything else. Sure we try to connect after the children are in bed. We still have our late night talks over coffee and cigarette but somehow it doesn’t feel the same.

The heat of the moment is no longer as fierce. Mainly because we have sleep on both our minds. As mundane as that sounds, sleep has been deprived from us since our first baby. What more now with Mohen’s crazy work hours and me with my midnight (read all night through to morning) feed with our daughter.

I miss Mohen with every vein in my body.

He sleeps next to me every night. He kisses me before he goes to work everyday. He calls me during his break time each time. Just as he has since we were first together but it doesn’t feel the same and it hurts me not to know why.

I know that children are supposed to bring the parents together but I can’t help but feel somehow for us, it drives us apart. Not in a bad way because we both love our children with all our hearts but perhaps we love them both with all our hearts, we left little room for each other now.

We're both crazy about our son, Eros.

So when we’ve drifted apart this way, the arguments become more often. Sometimes over stupid little things, sometimes over something that both of us have kept buried for so long. Either way, no matter how big or small the argument was, it hurts each time because it makes me feel as though we do nothing now but argue.

Mohen is your typical Mars male where he goes to his cave to brood when he has a problem. And I’m your typical Venus female where I want to talk if there’s anything that’s bothering either of us. I tried to understand him this way but sometimes it’s really hard. I told him many times that if he talks to me or when I want to talk, it doesn’t mean that I need a solution. I just want to talk so someone would listen or that he knows I’m here for him to listen to him.

When things were simpler.

I would like to think when our kids are a little older and a little more independent than they are now, we would have time for each other again. We would be back to how we were before. But to wait for that day and go through this feeling each day until that day comes, is just too torturing for me.

Relationships have its up and down, I know. Relationships can last a long time despite all the problems it went through, I know.

But I want mine to always have the same fire we had few years back. I tried to bring it back most of the times but Mohen seems so far away that it makes me feel rejected to even try. I want him to remember what we had, I want him to remember how we were with each other.

Maybe he does remember but patriarchal responsibility has probably made him the way he is today. I can never blame him for wanting to be a good dad and a good partner. And I can never blame him if he can’t be both because I don’t think I can be both either.

Do we lose 90%? It feels a whole lot more than that…

Latch On, Latch Off

In 9 days time Sophia will be one month old.

I can’t for the life of me, imagine that time would fly so fast! With Eros, it seems to be a little slower. Maybe because he was my firstborn and there were many things that I have yet to learn. Now with Sophia, I can do most of the things without even realizing I was doing it.

Like the other day, I was breastfeeding her and Eros just got out from the toilet. He’s potty training, by the way. He wanted me to put his shorts on even though my sisters offered to help. So with one arm cradling Sophia to my breast, I helped Eros put on his short with the other while talking to him about his potty training so far. After I was done, I realized that I was able to do two things at once for two different child without even thinking how to do it.

Breastfeeding your child has got to be one of the best feelings in the world.

I felt good about myself and most importantly, I feel slightly more confident about raising two children on my own.

Speaking of breastfeeding, Sophia is getting better at it.

She has hit her first month growth spurt as her breastfeeding session grows longer as she nursed more now and sleeps for slightly shorter period. We’ve been breastfeeding for 20days now and it does seem to get easier each day.

When I first started to breastfeed Sophia, there were so many challenges that I had to go through to make sure she can breastfeed well. As much as she can latch on since the first day she was born, it was crazy the first week that I felt like giving up each time I had to bring her to my breast.

Even before she could latch on, my body recoiled in pain because my nipples were sore and my breasts were so engorged with milk that it was painful to even touch it what more to have a baby suckling from it. But because I regretted for not breastfeeding Eros, I tried to breathe and clenched my teeth as the pain seethe through my body from Sophia’s powerful suckling motion.

I can’t remember how many times I cried while she breastfed the first few days because it was almost too painful to bear. I remembered latching her off to find my nipple bloody and cracked. But still I tried to breastfeed her for the next session. Even Mohen asked me to stop and just let Sophia have formula so I can rest but I insisted on breastfeeding for I know the only way for the breasts to get better and for my nipples to heal is to breastfeed and breastfeed some more.

I don’t know where my determination comes from and secretly I applaud myself for trying so hard not to give up. I gave up after 3 days of trying to breastfeed Eros and we fall back to formula feed him. I can’t imagine the energy I sacrificed for Sophia just so she can get my breast milk even though I feel like dropping to the floor each time she’s done breastfeeding. I’m proud that I’m breastfeeding her and each time I do, I only wished I could turn back time and be as resilient for Eros as I had with her.

So now after 20 days, my nipples have completely healed and the milk flow seems to come more naturally and faster now. Sophia can seem to be full on just my breast milk sometimes although I had to supplement her with about 3oz of formula to help her sleep. Maybe my milk supply is still slightly low to meet her demand but since she’s breastfeeding 90% of her feeding session, I know it’s just a matter of time before the milk supply really kicked in for her.

Eros and Sophia having their morning feed.

I remembered during the first few days when I cried while breastfeeding Sophia and my mom told me that it’s just going to be a few more weeks before everything is okay. I remembered crying harder when she told me that because then, few more weeks sounded like a year.

Well, it has been few weeks now after that first few days and yeah, it didn’t seem too bad. It was the pain I was in that made it seemed longer.

Now I’m enjoying breastfeeding Sophia. As a matter of fact, I just put her down in her crib because she feel asleep at my breast while I typed this post.

Sophia laughing herself to sleep after breastfeeding.

 

Two’s A Company

Since I’ve had two cesareans, the doctors told me that if I ever want to get pregnant again, I can do it on 2 conditions. One, I have to wait for Sophia to be at least 5 years old and two, my third baby would have to be delivered through cesarean as well.

So no chance of normal delivery. Ever.

My Little Princess.

I don’t know how this makes me feel.

I mean, if you have been reading my posts, then you know that I really do want a normal delivery. That was why I stick it out with Sophia because I want to see how far can I go in order to have a normal delivery. Of course at the end because I was in too much pain and I didn’t dilate enough, I had to go through cesarean. See Bringing Home Sophia for my birth story.

I have not really talk this out with Mohen yet but I was thinking to myself that maybe 2 children isn’t that bad after all.

Playing with his Lego keeps him occupied longer than any other toys can.

By the time Sophia is 5 years old, Eros will be almost 8 and I will be 31. Sure it is still a very young age but I was thinking in terms of how things will be in the future.

Eros will be in school and Sophia will be entering school so I may need to run around a lot so I’m not sure how I will be lugging around another pregnant belly when I need to be on my feet most of the times.

Sure I’m predicting something that could be easily done because after all, there are many other women who are able to do just what I describe without even huffing or puffing, figuratively speaking, of course. So there is no excuse that I can’t do it as well.

This time around, my mother helps me a lot with Eros while I recover from the birth. I literally didn’t attend to Eros at all except for occasional bedtime reading or changing his diapers and other light tasks. So if I were to be pregnant and have a baby by the time I’m 31 or 32, my mom would be close to 60 and I can’t expect her to look after Eros and Sophia, even though they will be at an age that’s more or less capable of taking care of themselves.

If Mohen and I were to decide to have only 2 children, we both will be at an age where it’s still convenient for us to go for a holiday or backpacking with the kids. We can concentrate on raising our children into teenagers without having to go back to being up to our elbows with diapers and midnight feeds.

Not only that, the cost of living will definitely go up in about 5 years time and if babies are expensive to have now, they sure will be in 2016. It’s probably better to concentrate on the ones that we already have and work with them rather than get tangled up again with newborns.

Of course babies are great to have and Mohen once told me that he thought it would be nice to have many kids. But I guess he would have to agree with me when we need to talk about being practical. In fact both of us romanticized about being a Von Trapp family but at the end of the day, how much is that going to cost and how I’m going to manage is another thing.

I’m very happy and contented with my two children. Mainly because I’ve never really wanted to have many of them, one or two the most. So it seems that I got my wish. I just hope Mohen would be willing to listen and see my point.

It’s not that I’m done in wanting to get pregnant or having babies. I just don’t feel like I want to go down that road again. I don’t know if that makes me sound like a horrible woman without any real maternal instincts, but I really do want to concentrate on just Eros and Sophia.

I’m pretty sure my mind’s made up. Let’s just hope Mohen can agree.